# I would like to leave this city # This old town don’t smell too pretty and # I can feel the warning signs # Running around my mind # So what do you say? # You can’t give me the dreams that are mine anyway # You’re half the world away # Half the world away # Half the world away # – (Jim) Where’s mine, Barb? – I’ve only got one pair of hands.
You know him from t’flats? Who? There’s loads of people there.
You know which one.
Him who always wears that string for a belt.
Bloody Worzel Gummidge.
Too tight to buy a belt but I tell you what, he can always afford a bloody pint.
– He came in the baker’s today.
– Hm? He bought a sliced loaf.
Well, what are you telling me that for? You can’t say anything in this house without having your head bitten off.
– (Woman) For real family fun – It’s only me! – Family Fortunes.
– We should go on Family Fortunes.
– I’d go to pieces, me.
– Most of them are thick as pig shit.
Les Dennis is no bloody better.
If you put his brain in a bloody hazelnut shell, it’d still rattle.
I tell you what.
Once, they asked 100 members of the public to name something green, and the old woman who was the contestant, she said her cardigan.
– Eh-uh! – (Jim) Ee-or! (Barbara) What’s wrong with that? It was green.
How would the members of the bloody public know? They’d never seen her before! Don’t bother writing in.
She’d make a bloody show of us.
What’s the matter? You’ve got a face like a smacked arse.
– I didn’t want beans.
– (Barbara) There’s hardly any there.
– Give ’em here.
I’ll have ’em.
– They’re touching me chop.
Who do you think you are, girl, bloody Lady Muck? I’ve got bean juice on me chop now.
You’ve got bean juice on your beard.
I was saving that for after.
Mary next door’s got a microwave.
Me and Dave’s getting a microwave.
– Should I get a food processor? – Ooh.
What for? Just stick to the old chip pan, love.
– Not gonna have chips every night.
– What you gonna have? I don’t know.
Pasta, stuff like that.
– Pasta, my arse.
– Does Dave know about this? – Yeah.
– And he still wants to marry you? Not for what I’m like in the kitchen.
(Antony) It’s what you’re like in the bedroom.
Cut it out, you, Lurch.
Who threw you nuts? What I’m gonna do is, I’m gonna make, like, a lasagne, freeze it and then he can heat it up in the microwave when he gets home.
Look at you, Denise, you’ve got it all mapped out.
I wish I was like you.
Do you know, when I was your age, we knew nothing.
Only stuff I’ve read in magazines.
Who’s getting you a freezer, then? I’ve put it on the wedding list, with the microwave.
And I’m gonna put a food processor on.
Is there nowt cheaper on this bloody wedding list? I’m gonna get a dishwasher and all.
If Dave thinks I’m doing pots every night, he’s got another think coming.
They’re going right in that dishwasher.
– You gonna eat the fat off your chop? – No.
Just give it to your old dad.
I’ll look after that for you, love.
I’ll go to that butcher’s again.
That’s the one where Dave’s mate Gary works.
– What, him who smells of mince? – (Denise) Yeah, him.
You should have got him to serve you, he’d have given you extra.
He were out the back, mincing.
I hope he’s not gonna come round all the time when we’re married.
He’s a right knobhead, him.
I just wish he’d get himself a girlfriend.
Didrt he go with that Sandra Beswick? She couldn’t stand him.
She said he had blood under his fingernails.
– Did I tell you she’s gone mobile now? – Who, Sandra Beswick? Yeah.
She’s calling herself Sandy Scissors.
I’m still calling her Sandra.
Everyone’s gone mobile nowadays.
She only needs to do four clients a day to cover costs, she reckons.
And how many does she do? – About seven a day.
– Bloody hell, she must be raking it in.
Hey, how much does she charge for a perm? About 22 quid, but don’t forget she’s using your electricity, your water – and supping your brews.
– Oh, that’s a dear do.
Don’t think I can afford to get done mobile.
Bloody hell, you should get a trade like that.
I don’t wanna go round doing scabby old womers hair.
Our Antony’s the one who should do hairdressing, the time he spends on his own.
– Dave goes to Unicut.
– (Antony scoffs) – Only weighing up the local talent.
– What do you mean? – Loads of dolly birds in there.
– Get out.
Dave’s not like that.
(Barbara) All men are like that.
Hey, Dave don’t look at any other women when he’s with me.
– Don’t he? – No.
I’d knock his bloody block off.
(Chuckles) Hey, when you’re married, what night are you coming for your tea? Hey, it’s took us 26 years to get bloody rid of her.
I was thinking Tuesday and Thursday.
And maybe Saturday and Sunday.
– I’ll have to check with Dave.
– I’ll do you some of that pasta stuff.
– Oh, yeah.
(Jim) Pasta, my arse.
We’ll have to go to his mam and dad’s one night.
You wanna pack some sandwiches, then.
Has Dave’s dad ever worked or has he always been on this disability allowance? I told you, he worked at Duggars.
Duggars? They’ve been shut for at least 12 bloody years.
Can he get me on this disability allowance? – (Denise) He’s got a bone disease.
– It’s called bone idleness.
(Denise) Give it a rest.
I’ve gotta sweat bloody blood to pay for this wedding.
Old lazy arse is paying for bugger all.
Why don’t you just not bother giving a speech? Why not just copy a list of the costs and hand it round? I’d give a copy to bloody peg leg, for a start, if I did.
– Put another record on, Dad.
– Be a record if he bloody bought a drink.
How are you getting on with Dave? – Fine.
Eh, he’ll be having his tea now, won’t he? Mm.
He’s a lovely lad.
– You could have done worse.
– (Denise) Ah.
You could have married his bloody father.
There’s absolutely nothing left on that chop now, Dad.
Have you finished, Antony? Take it off him before he wipes the bloody pattern off it.
– Right, who wants apple pie? – Oh, yeah! – Did you make it, Barb? – No.
– Go on, I’ll have some, then.
– Cheeky so-and-so.
– I’ll have some.
– Keep hers away from the beans.
Dad, can you do us a borrow? Borrow my arse.
I tell you what, I should be entitled to disability allowance.
Because this wedding’s bloody crippling me.
What gets me, right, on the wedding night, you’ll be there, right, getting everyone drinks, showing off, like as if you’re Mr Generous Head.
I can’t do right for doing bloody wrong.
I feel bad, not being able to dance with him.
– With who? – Dave’s dad.
You can do Knee Up Mother Brown.
I love squirty cream.
(Sighs) Ooh, eh, I’m going to Marks’s tomorrow to get Mary a long cardigan.
Why are you buying Mary’s clothes? It’s a birthday present from Joe.
Why are you buying presents for Joe? – He don’t know what she wants.
– How do you know what she wants? – I’ve asked her.
– Why didn’t he bloody ask her? It’s a surprise.
Anyway, I can’t see Joe in Marks, can you? Just make sure you get the bloody money off him.
What are you getting her, Mam? I thought I’d give her that bubble bath I got from Auntie Margaret.
– Is there any more of that pie? – You’ve had the lot.
Have you got worms? – Give us one of them ciggies, Mam.
– It’s bad for you.
You shouldn’t smoke.
I only want one.
Are you gonna get them pots done? No, it’s Denise’s turn.
– Go on, then.
– Go on, take one.
You shouldn’t be bribing him.
He lives here bloody rent-free.
They’re dead strict about smoking at the baker’s.
No way can you light up.
It’s health and safety.
We have to take it in turns to nip to the toilet.
You can’t do anything nowadays.
Them health and safety, they won’t let you wipe your arse.
Some places are only taking on nonsmokers.
– So don’t smoke in the interview.
– What places? Flat-nosed Alan went for a job at the petrol station on the roundabout.
(Bob Monkhouse) No trip to Hollywood is complete without a visit to Manrs Chinese Theater, used to be Graumars Chinese Theater.
– It was the Mecca for all the stars trainers She’s a big girl, that Vanessa, isn’t she? (Barbara) Mm.
Tell me if I get like that, won’t you? Yeah.
Were you and Dave arguing last night? Yeah.
He was doing me head in.
He won’t talk proper about the wedding.
What’s there to talk about? I’m paying for the bloody lot.
His dad’s paying for nothing.
You gonna make a brew or what? I’ve got a throat here like Gandhi’s bloody flip-flop.
Mash the tea, Antony.
– (Clattering) – M&S running shoes So how did you leave it with Dave? I was telling him what we wanted for the wedding.
He was more interested in his kebab and watching the telly.
(Vanessa Feltz) These Pumas seem more like it.
Better-Iooking with more support.
I wanted to come down and see what was happening, – but he wouldn’t let me.
– These are more my style.
Dave’d have liked to go abroad, like Karen and Gareth.
They got married in the Seychelles, had the ceremony on the beach.
Ooh, I wouldn’t like that.
It’s a day for your family.
– Next, Adidas (Antony) Pamela Anderson got married in a white bikini.
– What’s that got to do with it? – Nothing.
(Jim) He wouldn’t have too much to take off on the wedding night.
It’s not as if he hasn’t seen it all before.
We all have.
– Hey, Dad, would you? – (Jim) What? – Pamela Anderson.
– Would I! No, I’ve got everything I want there in your mother.
You gonna make that cup of tea, Barb, or what? (Antony) Dad, how come Charlie Liddell from the Feathers always wears a suit? Some fellas are like that, aren’t they? Especially old fellas.
– What do you mean? – Your grandad, my dad, wore a suit.
Collar, shirt and a bloody tie and that.
Well, why don’t you, then? Me? I’m with it.
(# Hums) Garth Crooks, the frontrunner Here you are.
– Ta, love.
– (Barbara) Denise.
– (Denise) Ta.
(Slurping) Mam, will you tell Antony to stop slurping his tea? Antony, stop slurping your tea.
Dave eats like a pig and you never say owt to him.
He does not eat like a pig.
That’s asthma, thanks very much.
The two of you could eat for bloody England.
Dad! Stop fiddling with yourself.
I’m not! I paid a quid for these underpants.
Got 50 pence won’th stuck up me arse.
– Mam, tell him.
– She’s right.
Not picking your arse, you’re picking your teeth.
I’ll pick what I like in me own house.
In her house, she can pick what she likes.
Her nose, her arse, her teeth.
Just treat yourself.
Ooh, I’m ashamed of this family.
I am, really.
Ben Elton and Hollywood star Robin Williams have gone before.
Oh, you know that Donna that works with me? Well, she only works half days.
Her mam usually picks the kids up for her.
Her mam’s going into hospital, so she won’t be able to pick the kids up.
So Donna wants to swap to mornings, so she has to see Pauline.
She goes to see Pauline and says, “Can I swap to mornings?” She tells her about her mam and the hospital and all that.
Pauline’s not having any of it.
She’s got herself in a right pickle.
What’s she going to do? What you on about? – Donna.
– (Jim) What’s the matter with her? Well, her mam, you see, usually picks the kids up for her in the afternoons after school, but she’s going in hospital, so she won’t be able to pick the kids up from school, will she? So Donna wanted to swap, Pauline won’t let her, so she’s stuck for someone to pick the kids up.
What’s that got to do with you? It’s not your bloody problem.
– I’m just telling you.
– I’ve got enough to worry about.
(Barbara sighs) You’ve no interest in anybody but yourself, Jim.
(TV) The writing team needs hundreds of new lines.
Ah, eh, your nana’s coming for the day on Sunday.
Who’s gonna pick her up? Your dad can get her on the bus.
– Why can’t she get the bus herself? – She’s 82.
– She should know the way by now.
– You’re going.
– She gets the bus to the bingo.
– You’d go if it was your mother.
I’d have a bloody job.
She’s been dead 15 years.
(Man) This, I think, is quite original.
This Christmas, have a drink on me.
You open it Ah.
She’ll be looking forward to coming all week.
– All she does here is watch the telly.
Well, it’s nice for her to watch the telly in somebody else’s house.
It’s company for her.
– If I ever get like that, shoot me.
Who’s got a gun? Hey, mallet head, have you done the pots? She was asking what you wanted for your wedding.
I said money.
She’s gonna put a fiver in an envelope for you.
– Bless her, my arse.
It’s costing £5.
50 a head for the bloody meal, so she’s 50p up before she gets there.
What time does she want me to go for her? Make it about 11.
30, so she’s got time to sort herself out in t’morning.
Find her teeth, you mean.
– I think I’ll do chicken.
– (Antony) Bagsy me breast.
– (Jim) Is there any tea left? – It’ll be stewed by now, love.
Well, as long as it’s wet and warm.
Action Man, do the honours.
Right, let’s have a look what’s on this old telly.
Oh, not him.
I’m sick of that bloody Columbo.
– Who’s that one in the wheelchair? – That’s Dave’s dad.
That’s Ironside, actually, I think you’ll find, Dad.
I saw him in another telly programme once, walking.
– Well, it wasrt Ironside, then, was it? – No, but it was him.
(Jim) What was his name? Raymond Burr, that’s his name.
I’ll never forget that as long as I live.
You just did.
He only done two series of Ironside, you know.
He was sick of getting pushed around.
Do you get it? – I wonder if he was on disability – Don’t start.
(Snorts) Oh, dear me.
Do you remember our Frank? Goes in the Feathers, sits under the dartboard.
Tell you what, he’s the spitting image of that Karl Malden from The Streets Of San Francisco, isn’t he? He’s got like a little arse on the end of his nose.
Ah, he’s had a hard life, old Frank.
He’s not making it any easier sitting under the bloody dartboard.
He’s a stubborn old bugger.
He says he was there before that dartboard.
– I saw him yesterday.
– Where, in the eye hospital? Ah, no.
He was asleep in a bus shelter.
– Oh, was he? (Barbara) Poor Frank.
(Jim) Take a biscuit, Antony.
– (Doorbell) – Get that, Antony.
I have to do everything round here.
Might be Snow White looking for you, Grumpy! – (Denise laughs) – God.
– It’s all right.
It’s only Dave.
– You all right? – (Denise) Hiya, Dave.
– Hiya, kiddo.
– (Barbara) You all right? – Yeah, smashing, thanks, Barbara.
– Have you had your tea, Dave? – Yeah.
– What’d you have? – Sausage and chips.
– Any gravy? – No, me mam couldn’t be arsed.
Oh, I don’t blame her.
It’s nearly summer.
– You all right, Dave? – Yeah.
How’s your dad? – He’s all right, thanks, Jim.
– How’s his leg? – It’s OK.
– Oh, good.
– Tell him I was asking.
– I will, yeah.
Have I given you one of my business cards, James? What’s this, soft lad? “You’ve heard the rest.
Now hear the Best.
” “Dave Best and Denise Royle.
” You won’t pull any birds with her bloody name on it.
Shut it, Dad.
Hey, Dave, these are brilliant.
– How much were they? – Three notes.
– Each? – No, for 50.
Knutsford service station.
I’ll give Tony Macca one, Duckers, Gary.
You give ’em people you don’t know.
They’re your mates.
I want them to know I’m doing well, don’t I? Don’t just go wasting ’em, Dave.
– Do you want one, Mam? – Yeah.
One for me and I’ll have another for the baker’s.
– Antony, you’re not having one.
– Well, hey, I’m bothered.
– Give us a couple for me mam.
– Wort be any left.
Richard Branson must be quaking in his boots, with businessmen like you about, eh, Dave? Well, get the old paper.
– Go for an Eartha Kitt.
– Dad! Good old Eartha! (Party blower on TV) I’ve never met a child who didn’t have a great time at McDonald’s, where they kicked off the craze for restaurant parties Hey, Cheryl got a gorgeous top off the market today.
Did she? What’s it like? – Blue.
Gorgeous, it is.
– Oh, sounds lovely.
– Are you getting one? – Yeah.
– Get me one as well, then.
Hey, do you know my suede boots out of the catalogue? Yeah.
I don’t want them any more.
Do you want ’em? Ooh, yeah.
You haven’t finished paying for them, have you? – No.
– Shall I pay the rest, then? Yeah, all right.
Hey, you, what we doing? Shall we go down the Feathers for the last hour? – No, I’m knackered.
I’m not mithered, anyway.
We can always stop in and watch the telly.
Is there owt on? – (Denise) No.
We might as well go down the Feathers, then.
You were too knackered to go a minute ago.
– Let him go for a drink if he wants.
– I just asked him.
– He said he was too knackered.
– Do you wanna go or what? I wanted to go in the first place.
I’m not going now anyway.
You’ve annoyed me.
(Footsteps on stairs) (Jim chuckles) If you lot take my advice, you won’t go near that lavatory for at least half an hour.
And whatever you do, don’t strike a bloody match.
– Dad, we’ve got company.
– It’s only Dave.
He’s as bad.
Why do you have to announce it every time you go to the toilet? I’m only making polite conversation.
– What’s it to do with her? – We could do without it, thanks.
And why do you buy that cheap toilet paper? It’s cutting my arse to ribbons.
Mam, tell him.
He’s doing it on purpose now.
When I was buying the dear stuff you complained.
– I didn’t.
– You did.
Said you may as well wipe your arse on pound notes.
Oh, yeah, I did, yeah.
I did, yeah.
Plus, the birthday child gets a rucksack and a photograph.
(Car horn) Are we going down the Feathers or what? – You said you werert going.
– He’s doing my head in now.
– Who stunk that toilet out? – Who do you think? Well, where do you expect me to shit? You’d have something to complain about if I crapped in the kitchen.
Hey, Jacko’s got a new motor.
What? Let’s have a look.
(Dave) That’s not new.
That’s L reg, that.
(Denise) Hey, look at Lorraine coming out to have a look at it in her leggings.
She never has them leggings off, her.
Mam, come and look at Lorraine looking at Jacko’s car in her leggings.
She never wears nowt but them leggings, her.
– That’s how they can afford a car.
– (Barbara) Hey, hey.
Look at Carol across the road gawping through t’window.
(Laughter) She’s a nosy devil, her.
You’d think she’d never seen a car before.
(Denise) Oh, no.
Lorraine isn’t gonna drive it in her slippers, is she? (Dave) He’s not gonna let her drive that.
She’s always bladdered.
(Denise) How much more can they look at that car? Look at her getting the manual out.
As if she knows what she’s looking at.
What sort is it? – (Antony) A Sierra.
– An estate? – (Antony) No, it’s a saloon.
– Hatchback? – Come and look yourself! – You’re one lazy little sod, you.
(Barbara) It’s a red one, Jim.
– What’s the bodywork like? – I’ve just told you.
Thank you very much, Jeremy bloody Clarkson.
I’m winding him up, telling him he’s been ripped off big style.
You don’t know how much he paid for it.
I’m only winding him up.
Whatever it is, it’s too much, innit? – Hey, I’m going watching this.
– (Dave) Hey, Jacko! Ooh, look at these windows.
When did they last come, Jim? Ah, look at Dave.
He’s got no absolutely no arse, has he? No.
– Hey, irt our Antony gangly? – Yeah.
I’m not gangly and Jim’s definitely not gangly.
I don’t know where that comes from.
– I’m not gangly, am I, Mam? – You’re never gangly, you, love.
I’m gonna have a bath.
Mam, will you check the toilet and see if it still stinks from him? There’s a chance it’ll be all right now.
I’m not breathing in.
(David Attenborough) The sentinel has seen another team of meerkats in the distance.
Just the glimpse of another gang Me dad’ll be dead 20 years come tomorrow.
He was only the same age as me when he died, you know.
Shut up, Jim.
Don’t be so maudlin.
Mind you, he was a right little shithouse to me mam.
You shouldn’t speak ill of the dead.
I don’t think your mam’s got too long to go, has she? – Jim! – Well, she’s had a bloody good innings.
You’re a miserable sod, you are, sometimes.
What kind of a thing is that to say to anybody? I think I’ve cheered meself up a bit.
Any Penguins left? No.
The away team stares back and then push forward.
Is there owt on, Jim? No.
Food and shelter are of paramount importance to every individual Jim.
The opponents withdraw.
Do you fancy an early night? There must be bloody something on, mustrt there? responsible for disasters # So what do you say? # You can’t give me the dreams that are mine anyway # Half the world away # Half the world away # Half the world away # I’ve been lost, I’ve been found but I don’t feel down # No, I don’t feel down # No, I don’t feel down #