# I would like to leave this city # This old town don’t smell too pretty and # I could feel the warning signs # Running around my mind # So what do you say? # You can’t give me the dreams that are mine anyway # You’re half the world away # Half the world away # Half the world away # (Sobbing) Oh.
(Sniffs and sobs) (Barbara) Sh.
(Norma) Oh, Barbara.
I’ve always thought I’d be the first one to go, you know.
Oh, Mam, come on now.
It’ll be all right.
(Man on TV) I thought it would be brilliant practice.
You promised that we’d be alone tonight.
I’ve waited all day.
Werert they lovely, Barbara, them vol-au-vents? What was in them? It was a sort of a mushroomy thing, werert it? – Mushrooms, Mam.
– Was it? – Yeah.
– I thought it was.
Hey, can I have them when I go, Barbara? Oh.
I thought you wanted melon boats like we had at Denise’s wedding.
Oh, yes, I do, I do, but can I have them as well, do you think? – Yeah, course you can.
Oh, do you know? I just feel like I’m all on my own now without Elsie next door.
God rest her soul.
I used to let myself into her place with a key, you know, and perhaps just wipe her mouth with a cloth or summat.
– Well, it was contact, werert it? – Yeah.
I wonder what will happen to Elsie’s telly now.
Her telly was two inches bigger than mine, you know.
And the reds were redder.
– Want a brandy, Mam? – Oh, no, thank you, Barbara.
I can’t drink during the day now, you know.
You just had three at Mariors.
Just the one, then, just for medicinal reasons.
Bloody hell, bloody medicinal reasons.
You better get me one as well, Barb, otherwise there’ll be two deaths in one day.
‘Ey, Barbara, did you like that outfit her daughter was wearing? – Werert it lovely? – Yeah.
She’s very high up in Northwest Water, you know, her daughter Marion.
– You know her husband Mickey? – Yeah.
He’s got a withered hand.
Elsie couldn’t bear him touching food.
(Man on TV) What does he know anyway? There’s quite a lot you can get for 300 quid.
I always thought I’d be the first to go, you know, Barbara.
– Life is short, irt it? – Yeah.
Not short enough for my liking.
Elsie were only 88, you know.
She got all her life ahead of her.
Never wanted for anything, did Elsie.
So long as she had Countdown and 15 To 1, then that was all right.
(Sniffs) She had a very quizzical mind, you know, had Elsie.
Not on the big questions of life, but more like the capital of France, or currencies, or that sort of thing.
(Sobs) Oh, Mam.
Oh, I don’t know how I’ll be able to sleep tonight without Elsie.
God rest her soul.
Being next door.
(Sobs) Don’t worry, Mam.
There’s always Denise’s bedroom there for you, you know.
(Mouths) Oh, Denise was going to come today, Mam, right up till the last minute.
Yeah, right until she found out you can’t bloody lie down in the crematorium.
I did take one or two perishable things out of the fridge, Barbara.
– She’d have liked that, you know.
It was just a packet of fish fingers, two chops and er six bottles of Guinness.
That’s not bloody perishable stuff, that.
– You’re a bloody old vulture, you.
– Jim! (Tuts) ‘Ey, it’s funny, irt it, Barbara, when you weigh up, in every cloud there’s a silver lining, isn’t there? You know, I didn’t think I’d get that much wear out of this black cardie.
Did um Did Marion say what they were going to do with Elsie’s clothes, Barbara? No, I’m sure she’ll let you have them, Nan.
Oh, no, no, no.
I wouldn’t dream of it.
Mind you, there were one or two nice bits there from Marks and Spencer’s.
And what would Marion want with them up at Northwest Water? All right, Dave, lad.
What took you so bloody long? Oh, I was putting baby David down.
And then I went on er on the the toilet.
Oh, good lad.
Warming the seat for your old father-in-law, eh? Jim, Elsie’s not even cold.
Elsie had a cupboard full of medicines, you know.
– May she rest in peace.
Do you think I could have her senna pods? Yeah.
– Mm? Do you think they’ll have a collection for Elsie at the flats? Oh, yeah, I expect so.
They usually do when somebody passes away.
Oh, I hope it’s tonight while I’m here.
(Doorbell) Get that, love.
Are you all right? – Hiya, Cheryl.
It’s our Denise and Cheryl.
(Jim) That’s all we bloody need, Cagney and Lacey.
– Hiya, Cheggers.
– Oh, hello, love.
Nana, I’m really sorry that your friend Elsie snuffed it.
It was like losing a limb, love.
Sorry about Elsie.
It was like losing a limb, Cheryl.
Oh, Denise, did you buy anything in the precinct? Erm No.
Did you buy anything in the precinct? Just a pound of fudge from Thorntons.
Show me love, Chloe, show me love.
Show me love.
Show me You sad little man.
Don’t “Come on, Tone” me.
Will you run me home in a minute? I thought you were staying here tonight, Mam.
I am, but I just want to pop into Elsie’s and pick some things up before Marion comes tomorrow morning.
She hasn’t got more bottles of Guinness perishing away, has she? Nana, did Elsie have a copy of the Radio Times, a recent one? I don’t know.
I’ll have a look, but I don’t like to root, you know.
Mam, I really like that set of pans that Elsie had.
– Oh, I know.
– Oh, are they? – Aye.
Shall I bring them back here? – Oh, yeah.
Marion will be awash with pans.
It will help her when she’s sorting out.
She’s very high up in Northwest Water, you know.
Did Elsie say you could have all them things, Norma? Well, she got very confused in the end, but I don’t think she’d mind.
It’s not the place to ask, in a hospice, is it? (Gasps) Oh, David.
There might be one or two things for baby David’s farmyard there.
Mm? There’s a couple of drawers I haven’t had time to look in yet.
How is baby David? Oh, yeah.
How is baby David? – Oh, he’s all right, yeah.
(TV) So I hope you have as much pleasure looking Denise.
‘Ey, Denise, you know Elsie’s daughter, Marion, that’s where the do was after the funeral, well, she’s got a whole corner unit full of Capodimonte figurines.
– Really, Nana? – Yeah.
‘Ey, Jim, you know where they live? In them private houses just near Gatley.
It were a gorgeous home, gorgeous it was.
You know them lovely curtains? They were fully lined, Barbara.
– Yeah? – Denise.
– Mariors curtains were fully lined.
– Really, Nana? And she’s got an en suite bathroom with a bidet.
Bidet, my arse.
(Baby cries) (Baby chatters) (Baby continues crying) (TV) So what’s it all about, then? No, that’s pointier, surely.
(Baby grizzles) If that’s all you know about art, you won’t mind if I don’t take your criticism.
(Baby cries and chatters) – Shall I go up and see him? – Yeah.
You’re not supposed to let them stay crying, Cheryl.
(Jim) Don’t eat him, will you, Cheryl? (Dave laughs) Ah, she’s very charismatic, old Chegsy, isn’t she? (Coughs) Mam.
Bet you Cheryl’s flattened that bloody stair carpet.
And she never passed any of that bloody fudge out, the tight-arsed cow.
(Denise) Well, she can’t.
– Why not? – Well, she ate it all on the way home.
I bet she were never out of Thorntons before she finished the bloody lot off! Jim, she’s only upstairs, she’ll hear you.
Well Well, are you going to take me, David? Is it all right if I take you at the end of this, please, Nana? Oh, yeah, OK.
I’ll just have another brandy, then, Barbara.
Did you get me them pipe cleaners, Denise? Oh, no.
There werert any.
– Did you look? – Yeah.
Where? – Topshop and Miss Selfridge.
– Bloody hell.
Hey, Sherlock Holmes, what do you want pipe cleaners for? Are you er – Smoking the old pipe? – (Laughs) No, I’m not smoking a pipe.
For baby David’s farmyard, you know, for the pigs’s tails.
Dave, thought you werert having any pigs.
Well, they were hens originally, Barbara, but I put a bit too much clay on them, you know.
(Barbara) Oh, Dave.
There was some bacon at Elsie’s I could bring back.
Oh, I don’t want dead old womars bacon.
You didn’t mind her bloody Radio Times.
What sort of bacon is it, Mam? – I think it was streaky.
It were funny with Elsie, God rest her soul.
She’d eat bacon all day long, but she’d never touch gammon.
– What do you think to that? Oh, I love a bit of the old gammo, me.
(Barbara) Oh, I like a bit of gammon.
– Especially with a bit of pineapple.
– Do you, Barbara? – Yeah.
I like gammon.
And I like pineapple.
– But I don’t like gammon and pineapple.
– (Both) Oh.
I mean, to me that’s sweet and sour, that.
They’re two different meals.
I like gammon and egg.
I like gammon and chips.
– But I quite like – Bloody hell, Dave! All right, we’ve got the picture about the bloody gammo.
(Jim) Bloody hell.
(Laughs) Talk of the devil.
– He’s gone back off again, Denise.
I don’t think he’ll go off tonight, Dave.
You’ve got your work cut out there, son.
– He’s so gorgeous.
– (Denise) Yeah.
(Sighs) But it’s a full-time job.
Are you erm Erm – Are you courting yet, Cheryl? – Stop it, Jim.
Course she isn’t.
– Oh, it’s Antony.
– (Jim) Lurchio.
– Hiya, Ant.
Erm I’m sorry about Elsie, Nana.
It were like losing a limb, love.
– Are you all right, love? – Yeah.
I’m a bit knackered.
How heavy are them Big Issues? (AII laugh) Seen Emma, Antony? Yeah.
Have you had a nice time? Yeah.
Is me tea in the oven, Mam? No.
I’m not doing anybody’s tea tonight.
– What? – We’re having chippy! (Jim laughs) Yes.
Get a pen and paper, Antony.
You’ll have to write this down.
Jim? Ooh, I’ll have me Loodle, loodle, loodle.
I’ll have fish, chips and mushy peas.
Mam? Nothing for me, Barbara, not today.
On account of Elsie, God rest her soul.
You had all them vol-au-vents earlier.
And just a pie and chips for me, please, Antony.
I can’t eat all the chips.
I’ll have to share them.
– I’ll share them with you.
– Oh, thanks, love.
– Dave, what do you want? – Eh? – What do you want? – What do I want? Yeah.
What do you want from the chippy? Oh, I dunno.
What’s everyone else having? We’re all having different things, Dave.
What should I have, Denise? Well, just have what you fancy.
What do you fancy? – Pudding, chips, peas and gravy.
– Have that, then.
Pudding, chips, peas and gravy, please.
And a tin of erm (Tuts) – Coke.
A tin of er – Shandy.
A tin of er Fanta.
A tin of er – Dandelion and burdock.
A tin of dandelion and burdock, please.
Get trays with everything.
I’m not doing any washing up tonight.
I’ll have fish, chips and mushy peas.
And Antony, get some of those little white plastic forks.
Don’t get any of them bloody white plastic forks.
They’re a rip-off.
Get the little wooden ones, they’re free.
Having anything, Denise? Oh, no, ta.
We had a Big Mac and chips on the way back from the precinct.
Just a fish and large chips for me, please, Antony.
(Jim) I thought you were having some of Norma’s chips.
Just small chips and a battered sausage and a can of Diet Coke.
Ant – Antony.
– Antony, I’ll get this.
– Oh, Mam.
Well, Elsie’s death has made me think.
If I can’t treat my family while I’m here on earth Well, I mean, if I lived here all the time, – you’d all get treats more often.
– I’ll get them, Lurch.
Here you are.
Here you are, son.
Hurry up, I’m bloody starving.
See if you can get yourself a job while you’re up there.
And don’t you get battered.
(Laughs) (Barbara) Oh, Jim.
Well, he’s been spending too much bloody time with Emma, hasn’t he? We had to brew up twice last night because of his bloody love life.
You mean I had to brew up twice.
Why can’t you leave him alone? Because he’s got no bloody sense, our Wicked Willy.
He’ll never have any bloody sense, that lad, as long as he’s got a hole in his arse.
Oh, Jim, willy and arse.
Good job you know us, Cheryl.
(# Emmerdale theme tune) (AII hum Emmerdale theme) (Changes channel) Oh, Jim, that were Elsie rest-in-peace’s favourite.
– She can’t bloody see it now, can she? – Jim.
That’s all we’ve had all bloody afternoon – Elsie, Elsie, Elsie rest in bloody peaces.
I’ve heard more about Elsie today than when she was alive.
– Jim! – Ooh.
She’s dead and buried now.
– Dead and bloody cremated.
Dad, Elsie was Nana’s best friend.
Best friend, my arse.
Jim, I don’t believe you sometimes.
You’ve got no sympathy in you at all.
All she done when she was alive was bloody slag her.
I never slagged Elsie! Remember that time you slagged her bloody rotten – because she forgot your birthday.
– I never forgot hers! (Norma) Oh.
She never did him any harm.
– He’d be happy to eat her bacon.
Just drop it now.
Elsie this, Elsie that, she’s just angling to bloody move in here, aren’t you? I’ll tell you what, I’ll bet you were bloody delighted when Elsie bloody croaked.
(TV) on the beach.
And it has quite a reputation for lobster, crayfish, the kind of thing written up in New York Times, the Chicago Tribune.
It doesn’t look great, does it? That’s because two earlier restaurants Antony’s been a long time at the chippy.
Dad, you’re horrible, you.
You’ve got no compassion.
What about you with them bloody feathers in your hair? They look horrible.
Dad, actually I think you’ll find they’re really nice, actually.
– I don’t think they are.
– Dave! Correct, David.
Dad! I can’t believe it.
It never crossed my mind that I might move in here.
(TV) and that flavour you get from the centre of a beach Well, I am the only elderly lady living in the flats.
And you have got a spare room here.
It never crossed my mind, Barbara.
It didn’t, it didn’t, Barbara.
– Denise, get your nana another brandy.
– (Norma) Oh, ta.
Cheryl, can you get Nana the brandy? Yeah.
Bring the bloody bottle, Cheryl.
She’s supped Elsie out of house and home, she may as well start on us.
May God forgive you, Jim Royle, for speaking ill of the dead like that.
I wasrt speaking ill of the dead, I was speaking about you, – the living bloody dead.
– (Gasps) There you go, Nana.
Oh, thanks, love.
It’s just medicinal, you know.
(Phone) (TV) by the neighbouring island of St Martirs, which is only about a 15-minute ferry hop across the sea.
I’ll get it.
Oh, hiya, love.
Are you all right? Yeah.
(Laughs) It’s Antony on his mobile.
There’s no Diet Coke, Cheryl.
There’s Diet Fanta or Diet 7UP.
I’ll just have normal Coke, then, and start again tomorrow.
Just get her a normal Coke, then, Ant.
(TV) impress the other dinner guests with stories of my bravado in the wild.
– Has he only just ordered, Barbara? – Oh.
Ah, he won’t be long, Cheryl.
Don’t worry, love.
Dave, after them chips, do you fancy a quick drink down at The Feathers? You’re not having a quick one tonight, Jim, you had a drink last night.
I’m off for a chat with the Arabs.
– (Barbara) What do you mean, Jim? – Mustapha crap.
(Laughs) – Must have a crap.
– Oh, Jim.
– Are you having that, David? Good one, James.
Nana, take no notice of him.
Oh, I don’t, love.
It’s in one ear and out the other.
He doesn’t respect the dead, Denise, that’s his trouble.
He does really, Mam.
Take no notice.
(Moaning) (Jim) Is anybody there? It’s Elsie.
May I rest in peace? Call yourself a friend, Norma? Leave my stuff alone, you robbing old git! # So what do you say? # You can’t give me the dreams that are mine anyway # You’re half the world away # Half the world away # Half the world away # I’ve been lost, I’ve been found, but I don’t feel down # No, I don’t feel down # No, I don’t feel down #