# I would like to leave this city # This old town don’t smell too pretty and # I can feel the warning signs # Running around my mind # So what do you say? # You can’t give me the dreams that are mine anyway # You’re half the world away # Half the world away # Half the world away # I’ve been lost, I’ve been found # (Man on TV) Whitney Houston and Richard Ashcroft.
– (Children cheering) – (Man continues, indistinct) – (Barbara) Antony.
Is that you, Antony? – Yes.
Ooh, Antony, use the milk in the packet.
The stuff in the bottle’s Denise’s express.
Oh, look at him, Ant.
(Barbara giggles, Baby David gurgles) He’s got his whole life in front of him.
Ooh! Boo! I wonder what he’s thinking.
He’s thinking, “I wonder how hungover me mam and dad’s gonna be.
” Oh, Ant, it’s their first night out.
Since their last one.
Anyway, we haven’t had him to stop over all week, have we? I had to put me hands over his ears when our Denise was expressing that milk.
Didrt I? (Giggles) I had to cover up your ears because Mummy was saying all those naughty words! Oooh! (Giggles) Jimmy Five-Bellies up yet? Dunno.
Oh, Antony, you’re not going to the precinct, are you? Expect so, yeah.
Oh, will you go into Boots’s and get some Sudocrem – for little Baby David’s bumhole? – Why? There’s something there I’m not happy with.
Ee, let’s have a look at you.
(Laughs) I think there’s nothing nicer than a – bub-bub-bub-bub – baby’s bottom, is there? Here, Ant.
Have him a minute while I take your dad’s brew up.
– Oh, Mam.
– There y’are.
– (Slurps milk) – (Doorbell) (Barbara) Antony, get that, will you? Ooh, and watch its floppy head.
(Baby David groans and cries) – (Crying) – Shh, shh.
– (Groans) – Shh.
– (Doorbell) – All right.
(Children cheering on TV) (Denise) Hiya.
Hey, who said you could have Baby David? Dave, get Baby David off him.
– (Barbara) Hiya.
– Hiya, Mam.
You all right? – Yeah.
Are you all right? – Yeah.
– You all right, Dave? – Yeah.
Ooh, ‘ey, you two look a bit rough.
– Ooh, yeah.
– Mm, yeah.
– (Denise) Hiya.
(Man) Yeah, call us.
09014940940, calls cost 50 pence, get permission from whoever pays the bill.
There’s lots of good prizes Ain’t heard a peep out of him all night.
Out of who? – Baby David.
– (Children cheering) – Get your questions into us Ah, who’d like a bacon butty? (Both) Ooh, yes, please.
Antony, put some bacon under, love.
– Mm? Will you take Baby David upstairs or somewhere so I can have a ciggy? I’m watching Ant and Dec.
Come on, then, sunshine.
Ooh # You are my sunshine, my only sunshine # – (Baby David squeals) – # You make me happy – # When skies are grey # – (Barbara chuckles) You know, you’re really good about that not smoking in front of Baby David.
Yeah, I know.
I’m only doing it till he’s old enough to be able to walk out the room himself, – then it’s up to him, irt it? – Yeah.
Ooh, you are a good mother, Denise.
This week’s muso maestro is 14-year-old Lawrence from the West Midlands.
– (Cheering and applause) – The West Midlands! Whoo-hoo! The West Midlands! – Dave’s being very good, irt he? – Yeah.
Oh, do you know what, right, the other night, right, I found him and he was testing Baby David’s bath water with his elbow.
– I never do that.
(Door closes, footsteps on stairs) (Ant) It’s for you.
(Cat) There’s a controversy.
Shall I get meself ready? Do you mind helping, Dec? (Dec) Do you need me? (Ant) Yeah.
Or you can go and help the snowboard lads.
I’ll see you later.
(Cat) If you’ve got any pictures or letters or songs Is he all right? – Who? – Baby David.
Oh, he’s sound, yeah.
(Cat) with a twinkle in his eye and a wig on.
(Children cheering) So did you have a good time last night? We never went for a meal in the end, we just stayed in the Feathers.
We just went down the Feathers.
I thought you were going to have a nice meal for your anniversary.
Well, we were gonna, but we just stayed at the Feathers.
(Dave) Mm, we just stopped at the Feathers.
Oh, well, as long as you had a good time.
Oh, yeah, yeah, we did.
Didrt we, Dave? Mm, yeah.
And Tony gave us a lift home.
Did he? – Yeah, he had to carry you in.
(Barbara chuckles) (# Ant and Dec singing slow song) – Dave.
– Mm? Ring your mam and dad and ask them if they’ll have Baby David this afternoon.
– Why? They had him all day yesterday, Denise.
– Dave, they are his grandparents.
– (Footsteps on stairs) It’s just that he’s at this awkward stage.
What awkward stage is that, love? When he won’t go to the offy for you? – Hiya, Dad.
(Laughs) – Hey, you all right, Dave? – All right, James, yeah.
– Good night last night, was it, lad? – Mm, too good.
– How was the meal? – We didn’t go in the end, – we got a bit sidetracked.
– What, a lock-in at the Feathers? – (Both) Yeah.
– We had a few cans, didn’t we, Barb? Yeah, we got a bit hammered ar all.
(Both laugh) Kept the baby monitor on all night, though.
You don’t need to, I never do.
Did they have the old karaoke at the Feathers? Mm, yeah.
Oh, you know Beverley Macca? She did that song out of Titanic.
– She was a right state, wasrt she? – Mm, yeah.
She was stood there like she was at the front of the boat like that girl in the film, the, er, Titanic.
Good film, though, the Titanic, wasrt it? Did you see that bit where he was painting her? (# Slow soul song on TV) And Beverley Macca, right, she was shite at Shania Twain as well.
– Wasrt she, Dave? – I dunno.
Dave, she was, she was shite.
She was shite at, er, Shania Twain and all.
Did you do karaoke, Denise? – Yeah.
– Ah, did you do the usual? What do you think? My Chico Latino three times.
(Barbara chuckles) – Did you do La Vida Loco, Dave? – Yeah.
Bloody ‘ell, Dave, I’m sorry I missed that, lad.
I’ll be living La Vida bloody Loco if our bloody Lurchio ever brings them bacon sarnies in.
He has put some under for me? Antony, put some more bacon under for your dad, love.
Look at the gob on him.
Lazy little get.
Oh, last night, Mam, we was in the Feathers, Dave got his pictures out of Baby David and he got all upset.
– What, again? – Yeah.
– (Jim) Who was that? – Dave.
(Jim roars with laughter) You were the same when our two were little.
Well, I didn’t realise what they’d be like when they grew up.
Dad! I’ve given you a grandchild, thank you very much.
Dead right, you have given him to us.
Take no notice, love.
– (Gasps) I think it’s great that Baby David knows his grandparents so well.
(Jim) It’s his bloody parents he doesn’t know.
He’d have difficulty picking you out in a crowd, Denise.
‘Ey, Dave, remember that little farmyard you were making for Baby David? – How’s that coming on? – Oh, all right, thanks, yeah.
He’s made a pond for it.
It’s absolutely brilliant.
Oh, have you, Dave? – Mm.
– What, for the ducks? – Yeah.
What did you make that out of, Dave? I just put some glue on the back of one of Denise’s old vanity mirrors, you know.
But I stuck the wrong side down, so the ducks are a bit too magnified.
And I bought a frog as well but that’s turned out to be bigger than the ducks.
Bloody ‘ell, Dave.
I told you to take the ducks when you were buying the frog.
But they’re stuck down.
I can’t go can’ting the whole farmyard round with me.
You never made us one when we were little.
It’s just as well, isn’t it, with bloody killer frogs on the loose? – Here you go.
– Oh, nice one, Lurchie.
Brown sauce for your old daddy.
– Red for me, please, buddy.
– I know, I know.
Oh, we be living la vita loco now, Lurch.
Brown sauce, please.
Ha-haa-haa! And that’ll do me.
The old brown sauce.
The old brown sauce.
(Wolf-whistles) (Farting sounds from ketchup) – The old brown sauce.
– (Cheering on TV) That’s the game.
# Livir la vita loco! # Everybody’s doing it # (Muffled laughter) (Muffled shouts) (Growls contentedly) (Hums merrily) (# Challenge Ant theme playing) (Cheering) Welcome once again to Challenge Ant.
You know the rules by now, ten questions, ten prizes Barb, does that look a little bit inflamed to you? Jim! Dad! We’re eating.
– (Cheering) – Eurgh.
– Mam, will you tell him? – Jim, we’re eating! They’re yours, you’ve got six of them – you’ve won them, they’re safe.
Or you can say whether you want to gamble for the other four – and the games console.
– He’s a bigheaded bugger.
– Who? – Humpty Dumpty! (Roars with laughter) Yes! One nil to your auld father-in-law, eh, Dave? Good one, that, James.
– (Doorbell) – What do you wanna do? – Gamble.
– He’s gonna gamble! – (Cheering) – He’s going for the killer question.
(# Dramatic music) – (Barbara sighs) – This is a very tense moment.
Aaron has won six of the ten games.
He’s decided to gamble those six for the other four and the star prize.
Little Jamie from over the road wants you to sponsor him on his sponsored swim.
(Jim) Can he swim? – Yeah.
– Tell him no, then.
(Barbara) What’s it for, Antony? – Er, a minibus for school.
They should be spending money on education, not minibuses to go to Chester Zoo.
No wonder they hang round on corners like monkeys, – they go to see them often enough.
– (Barbara) Put down 50p, – we don’t want ’em thinking we’re tight.
– 50p a length? No, 50p the lot.
(Jim) He must think I’m made of money.
He was here last week with a red nose, “Sponsor me this, sponsor me that.
” I’ll sponsor the buggers not to come here tapping me for money.
– (Front door closes) – (Chuckles) (Shouting on TV) Mm, I love red sauce, me.
I don’t like it.
Ooh, it’s funny that, irt it? Him liking red sauce and you not liking red sauce, and yet you get on so well.
(Cat) There you go, more new entries still to come in this morning’s CD: UK chart.
I wonder what sauce Baby David will like.
(Vehicle pulling up outside) Hey, Mary and Joe’s getting out of a taxi.
– A taxi? – A taxi? – A bloody taxi? – Yeah.
(Barbara) Where’ve they been? (Barbara) Mary! Mary! What’s to do? (Mary) Oh, Barbara Oh, Mary! Oh, come in, come on in! Go in, Joe.
Hey, Joe’s all bandaged up.
– (Gasps) – Come in, Joe.
Come in, Mary.
Go in, Joe.
Antony, will you get out of that chair? – Go on, Joe.
– (Mary) Oh, Barbara.
– Sit down, Joe.
– It’s been a terrible morning.
– We’ve been down to casualty with Joe.
– What’s to do, Joe? It’s the two fingers of his right hand.
Three and a half hours in casualty.
How did you do it, Joe? He was grating a bit of cheese, could have happened to anyone.
People who came in after me went before me.
Yes, but they had heart attacks.
Do you know, they kept us waiting so long that in the end there was only Joe left and a little boy who had a marble lodged up his nose.
Antony, go and get Joe a KitKat.
– Did he have a tetanus, Mary? – Oh, yes, Barbara, – just a little prick in his bottom.
– (Jim snorts) – (Coughing and snorting) – Barbara, isn’t the NHS terrible? I mean, just terrible.
– They had no interest in Joe at all.
I hope that’s not the old arse-wiping hand, is it, Joe? (Barbara) Jim.
(Chuckles) – Ah, cheers.
– Oh, I don’t know.
All this palaver over grating a bit of cheese! I think we’ll be going back to Dairylea, it’s a much safer cheese.
(Barbara) Oh, yeah.
We’ve just got to hope and pray now that the skin grows back over the tops.
What did they say at the hospital? They told me to keep him warm and dry.
But, I mean, it seems so unfair, Barbara.
The cheese wasrt even for him.
It was for Cheryl.
– (Jim) Go ‘way! – Jim.
How much was the taxi from the hospital, Joe? – Four notes.
– Four pound? Bloody ‘ell, that’s two pints.
I think we’d better be getting home and let Cheryl know how we got on.
She’ll be very worried.
– And bloody starving.
Joe, I hope you feel you better soon.
We’d better be off.
Joe, you’re better going round the back with them fingers.
– Thanks for the KitKat, Barbara.
– Don’t be daft, Joe, any time.
Do you want a Club for later? – No, you’re all right.
– Antony, get Joe a Club for later.
– How’s Baby David, Denise? – He’s all right, thanks, yeah.
Ah, the little sweetheart.
He was as good as gold all day on Wednesday.
– Not a peep out of him.
– Well, better be going.
– (AIl) Bye.
(Jim) Ta-ra, Mary.
– Ta-ra, Joe.
– (Joe) Bye.
(Dave) See ya, Joe.
With 25% of the votes was Santana (Wheezing laugh) (Laughing heartily) Grating cheese? You having that, David? – Bloody grating bloody cheese? – Jim, don’t be awful.
Well, how old is he, Barb? Good job he never lost his hand, he’d have left with a whole tin of biscuits.
(AII laugh) There should be a safety warning on them graters.
You having that, Dave? He’s a bloody walking disaster area, Joe.
Dave, you better nip next door with me goggles cos I think Joe’s putting the grill on! (AII laugh) (Barbara) We shouldn’t laugh.
Remember that time he was shifting that fridge and he broke both his big toes? (AII laugh) He got a packet of Jaffa Cakes for that, didn’t he? Old Calamity Joe.
(Laughter) – (AII sighing) – Amazing gameplay – and excellent graphics.
– (# Rock music) (Explosions) – Is Trisha not on? – No.
It’s Saturday morning, Dave.
– Hey, did you see it yesterday, Mam? – No.
Bloody rubbish, them programmes.
(Denise) It was absolutely brilliant, right? Trisha had this man on, right, then they brought out his wife and his mistress – and he had to choose between ’em.
– Did he? – Yeah.
– She was a looker, the mistress, but it’s bloody rubbish.
That’s what’s wrong with television, Dave – too many women have their own bloody programmes.
You’ve got bloody Lorraine, bloody Trisha, bloody Vanessa – bloody Esther! – bloody Oprah, bloody Ricki bloody Lake, and they’re all talking bollocks.
You’ve only got to sit in the house to hear women talking bollocks.
– ‘Ey, Jerry Springer’s all right, though.
– Oh, you can’t whack our Jerry.
Wahey! – It always goes off on Jerry’s show.
– (AIl) Yeah.
Hey, Dave, do you remember that time a bloody big black woman come on with her boyfriend to tell him a secret.
It turned out she was a man.
It turned out his fiancée – had a bigger pair of balls than him! – (Men laugh) Now, you know what I mean, Dave.
(Laughs) Well, that’s America, though, innit, Jim? Well, it’s going the bloody same here.
Imagine that, Mam.
He’s engaged to her and he didn’t know she was a fella.
Ooh, I know, it’s awful.
I moan about your dad but at least I don’t have that worry.
(Jim) Too bloody true.
Imagine that Dave on the wedding night, slipping under the duvet – Whoops! Cop that lot! – (Both laugh) Well, I mean, you’ve spent all that money on the wedding, you might just as well grin and bear it.
You know what I mean.
Oh, Jim, not in front of the baby monitor.
(Giggling) Ah, bloody ‘ell.
– (Denise) Hey, Mam, guess what.
– What? There’s a new Baby Gap opening up in the precinct.
– Is there? Ooh! – Yeah.
I love getting Baby David stuff from Baby Gap.
What? He’s got more bloody gear than baby bloody Brooklyn.
Dad, it’s dead important what he wears.
I don’t want him getting teased for not having designer gear.
– Are you paying for this lot, Dave? – I only want the best for Baby David.
– He’s got to be all logoed up, hasn’t he? – Yeah.
You’re coming home to Dairylea on toast, and Baby David’s swanning round like Calvin Klein? (Women laugh) Mmm.
(Man) I’m not exactly a Barry Fry.
(2nd man) The first hurdle is Birmingham City (Baby David gurgling) (Both) Ahh.
(Gurgling, breathing rapidly) (Giggling and squeaking) (Both) Ahh.
(Baby David laughing) – Dave.
– Hmm? Ahh.
(Baby David laughing) (TV) automatically through, so you’ve got to say there’s three hours to play plus another half-hour if there’s extra time (Baby David crying) (Crying) – Ooh, blimey.
– (Crying continues) (Sobbing and wailing) (Denise) Oh.
– Mm? – (Crying continues) – Will you go up? No, I put him up.
(Sobbing and wailing) (Sobbing continues) – Mam.
– Yeah? Would you like to go and have a little look at your little grandson? Oh.
Leave him for a bit, he’ll be all right.
– (Crying) (Wailing) Oh, I can’t bear hearing him like that.
– Do you want a ciggy? – Ooh, yes, please.
(Crying continues) (Wailing) (Crying) (Moaning and wailing) (TV) They’ve got to do the business tomorrow against West Ham (Baby David sobbing) Antony, will you go up? – Kiss me arse.
– Hey, baldy, that’s my grandson! Now get up there and see to him, you lazy little sod! – (Crying) – (Jim) God, he’s one lazy little get, him.
Can’t believe our Antony.
He’d have left him crying all day.
And he’s his uncle.
– (Wailing) – I’m switching this off as well.
– Getting on my bloody nerves, that.
– (Crying stops) (TV) Liverpool, of course, they’ve got to rely on a slip-up from Leeds He’s very good with Baby David, though, irt he? – Only cos he’s the same mental age.
– (Denise) Get lost, Dad.
Baby David’s miles brighter than Antony.
(Indistinct chat on TV) Dave, would you fancy a little, er Saturday lunch-time drinky-poos with your auld father-in-law? Ooh, good idea that, Jim.
Yeah, hair of the dog.
Ooh, I fancy that.
Couple of pints, it’d really sort my head out.
That’s not good enough for Liverpool – Do you want to come, Mam? – Oh, I can’t, can I? What about Baby David? Yeah, what about Baby David? Well, we can leave him with Antony.
– You just said he’s really good with him.
– Oh, yeah.
(Jim) Give the bone-idle bugger something to do.
He won’t notice if we slip out for a bit, will he? – No.
– (Jim) Well, I am.
Because tonight, Matthew, I’m going to be completely bloody bladdered! (Laughter) No, actually, I’d better stay and look after Baby David.
– You can’t do that.
– Why? Cos you’re getting them in.
– Perhaps I should tell our Antony.
– No, leave it.
– Be a lovely surprise for him.
– Oh, yeah.
Right, I’ll get me bag.
(Denise) Shh, quiet.
OK, at the other end of the table, the dreaded R word has been banned at Bradford City’s training ground as they prepare for their do-or-die battle.
Bradford at home to Liverpool and Wimbledon at Southampton.
Only one goal Sorry.
Only goal difference separates the sides Oh, shit.
# So what do you say? # You can’t give me the dreams that are mine anyway # You’re half the world away # Half the world away # Half the world away # I’ve been lost, I’ve been found but I don’t feel down # No, I don’t feel down # No, I don’t feel down #