# I would like to leave this city # This old town don’t smell too pretty and # I can feel the warning signs # Running around my mind # So what do you say? # You can’t give me the dreams that are mine anyway # You’re half the world away # Half the world away # Half the world away # I’ve been lost # Hey! There you go.
Is there anything else I can do? – Well – (Jim) Mike Reid.
He must pinch himself every bloody morning, him.
I bet he can’t believe his own bloody luck.
He used to be a comedian, you know, Mike Reid.
“Stitch that, whoo!” Switch it off, Jim.
They’ll be here soon.
I’ll just watch that, Barbs.
You’re always slagging it.
Still got a fine pair, our Barbara Windsor, I’ll give her that.
Oh, ‘ey, Jim.
Do you think we’ve got enough lagers? Oh, I hope we have.
Will you nip out for some if we haven’t? What with? (Doorbell) There’s the door, Barb.
I want her to realise she should never have been involved.
(Barbara) Oh, hiya, Twiggy.
All right? – It’s Twiggy.
– All right, Barb.
– All right, Twig? – All right, Jim? – Have you got that sovereign ring? – Have I ever let you down? – Oh, I’m glad you’ve come.
– There you go.
Oh, it’s lovely.
– Nice one.
– Better get it wrapped up.
How much do we owe you for the ring, Twig? Er, 20 notes.
– How much did you pay for it? – 20 notes.
I don’t rip off me mates, you know.
You’d flog your bloody grandmother, you, Twig.
Hey, Barb, looks like a nice buffet.
(Barbara) Oh, don’t start it now.
(Twiggy) Where is he, the birthday boy? Oh, he’s round at Emma’s.
They’ll be here in a minute.
Hey, Twiggy, you should have brought your girlfriend.
(Twiggy) I’m not seeing her now.
Oh, are you not? – Well, she was a bit of a bike, really.
– I thought that’s why you liked her.
Yeah, but you don’t want everyone else having a go on it.
It’s a shame, that, Twiggy.
She was handy for you at that petrol station.
Put up a load of shelves for her, you know.
Bought her a gold ankle chain, grouted the bathroom.
Turned out she was knocking off Duckers and all.
Oh Oh, was she? Oh, I am sorry.
How did you find out? – Duckers told me.
– Did he? – Well, he is me mate, isn’t he? – Oh, yeah.
I didn’t want to get lumbered with all them kids.
I didn’t like to say anything at the time, Twiggy, but, er I did think she was a bit common.
– You could do a lot better than that.
– Mind you, so can Duckers.
– (Laughs) Yeah.
Hey, how’s your little lad, Lee? Hey, you could have brought him, couldn’t you? Oh, she’s gone off on one.
– Wort let me see him.
Just cos I got bladdered last time I was supposed to have access.
– You know what she’s like.
– I only speak to him now on his mobile.
Hey-hey! Wallop! Cut the nonsense.
Listen to your old man.
I’ll tell you what, Jim.
He is one lucky bleeder, him.
Landing that job.
Are you gonna get changed for the party, Jim? I’m all right like this, aren’t I? Come on.
Party, my arse.
You’ve only made a few butties.
That’s only cos you want to look at Emma.
Will you blow those balloons up for me, Jim? He’s eighteen, Barb, not bloody eight.
Will you blow them up, then, Twiggy? (Twiggy) Yeah, yeah.
When I was 18, me old man took me for a bevvy and that was it.
Jim, they’re only a few balloons.
We had ’em for Denise.
So we’re gonna have to have ’em for Antony.
Balloons, my arse.
Pass ’em over, would you, Twig? Pass ’em here.
You never get a bloody minute to yourself in this house.
I could do with a pair of bellows up my arse.
Who does that remind you of? – Beverly Macker.
Twiggy, how about this one? Oh, Nurse, what time’s me operation? (Snorts) (Woman) See you later.
(Man) Take care.
There you are, Twig, do that.
I’ll tell you what, it takes it out of you, this.
– Hey, Jim.
– (Sniggers) Ph-toom! Ph-toom! Ph-toom! Hey! Leave that like that.
That’ll bloody annoy Norma.
Is she coming? She’s off tonight.
It’s not Halloween, is it? – So your Antony’s bringing his bird? – Oh, it’ll only last five minutes.
She’ll soon suss out the lazy arse sod.
Can you remember your Denise’s 18th? That went off big style.
– That was great.
– (Chuckles) – (Doorbell) – Barbara! There you are, Twig.
Oh, you’re bleeding useless, you are, Jim.
Oh, hiya, Darren.
You all right? Yeah.
How’s it going? – All right.
– Would you like a lager? – Oh, yeah, please.
– Sit down.
(Balloon inflating) Confessions all round.
I’m a musician and I can’t help noticing – All right, Darren? What d’you know? – Nowt really.
– Whers your court case? – A week on Thursday.
You’ll be all right.
First offence? No.
– What do you think of your chances? – Dunno, really.
Have you got a good solicitor? No.
– (Doorbell) – Get that, will you, Barb? Never a bloody minute in this house.
– Hiya, Mam.
You all right? – You all right? – Hiya! – Oh, Denise! You look lovely.
– Oh, you look lovely, Mam.
– Oh, you look lovely! – Oh, ta.
– (Jim) Hello, Norma! How nice to see you again.
Here you are, love.
Sit here, love.
– Hi, Darren.
– (Twiggy) Put these balloons up.
– Hiya, Dad.
– Hello, love.
(Dave) All right, Darren? – All right, Dave? – All right, Jim, yeah.
Is Antony not here? (Jim) Not yet.
– Which one are you? – This is Darren, Mam.
– (Barbara) Would you like a drink, Dave? – I’ll have a lager, please, Barbara.
– Denise? – Er, anything, ta.
– Mam, would you like a drink? No, better not.
(Norma) Oh, go on, I’ll have a sherry, love.
(Denise) Has nobody got no music on or nowt? (Jim) It’s broke.
I’ll get the banjo out.
Oh, leave off that thing, Jim.
Emma will think we’re the Beverly Hillbillies.
(Dave) Oh, Deliverance, you mean.
# Diddle-ing-ding-ding # Diddle-ing-ding-ding # Diddling-ding-ding # Diddling-ding-ding # Diddle-ee-nee-nee-nee-nee-nee-now # (AII laugh) – Here you are, Mam.
– Oh, ta, love.
How are you, Denise? Did you have a nice day? – Yeah, yeah.
– She spent most of it doing her hair.
– Well, it is a party, Dave.
– Yeah, it’s a party, Dave.
Here, Darren, is your mam all right? – Yeah.
– Oh, I heard she was in hospital.
– Oh, yeah.
She is, yeah.
– Ah, your poor mam.
– What’s up with her? – (Darren) Not quite sure, really.
Do they not know what it is, then? Dunno.
– Give her my love, won’t you? – Yeah.
(Bianca) If anything happens to me and Ricky, I want Liam to be cared for.
– You would, I know you would.
– (Frank) You don’t know that.
Are you keeping that straight, Barb? Oh Oh, Jim.
Put your shoes on.
We don’t want a whiff of them feet.
(Denise) They smell like Stilton, them.
And Dad, when Emma’s here, if you go for a wee, shut the toilet door.
– And don’t pick your arse.
– I may as well sit in the bleeding shed! (Laughs) – Wahey! – Oh, he made it, for Liam.
– (Doorbell) – (Jim) Get that door, Barb! – Oh, that’ll be Antony with Emma.
– Hee-hee! – Oh, dear.
– Come on, we’re gonna see Sonia’s dog! Hello, love.
# Happy birthday to you # Happy birthday to you – # Happy birthday, dear Antony – (Jim) dear Gayboy # Happy birthday to you # (AII cheer) – Happy birthday.
– Er, this is Emma.
(AIl) Ooh! Very pleased to meet you, Emma.
We’ve heard a lot about you.
Oh, you don’t know who everybody is, do you? Erm That’s Denise.
She’s Antony’s sister.
This is David, Antony’s sister’s husband.
– (Emma) All right? – Bloody hell, it’s not This Is Your Life.
Shut up, Jim.
That’s Jim, Antony’s father.
Hello, Mr Royle.
– You know Darren.
– Yeah, all right? – There’s Nana.
– Hello, love.
– And there’s Twiggy.
– (Jim) Sit yourself down, love.
– (Barbara) Erm Oh, I’ll get you a chair.
There you go, Lurch.
– Oh, that’s well smart.
– Nice one.
– That’s well smart, irt it? – Well nice.
– It’s lovely, that.
Look at that, eh? – Ah – Oh, ‘ey, innit smart? It’s cool.
– Oh, it does suit you, Antony.
– Oh! Suits you, sir! – Oh! Suits you, sir.
– Do you want it? – Do you, sir? Do you sir? Do you want it? Do you? – Oh! Oh! – Oh! Oh! Course he wants it, it’s his birthday present.
‘Ey, you know Patrick who owns Jasbo’s, he’s got three of them sovereigns on his hand in a row.
See there? (Dave) Looks top.
– Ooh, Emma, would you like a drink? – Er Well, I’m driving so just an orange, please.
(Barbara) I don’t think I’ve got any orange.
Would you like some Vimto? Er, I’m all right, thanks.
Help yourself to the buffet.
– Can I get you a ham sandwich? – No, thank you.
I’m a vegetarian.
(Barbara) Ooh! (Mouths) – Can I do you a Dairylea instead? – No.
Honestly, I’m fine.
– She can have Dairylea, can’t she? – (Denise) Yeah.
– What is she? – She’s a vegetarian, Nana.
Oh! You could have a bit of cheese, though.
Have you got some cheese, Barbara? Oh, Emma, it’s a shame for you.
If she doesn’t want anything, she doesn’t want any.
Leave the girl alone.
She’s all right.
That’s a belting little car you’ve got, love.
What does your dad drive? Could you have some wafer-thin ham? Could she have wafer-thin ham, Barbara? – No! – Oh.
Do you know, we’ve heard nothing from Antony but Emma, Emma, Emma.
It’s the first time I’ve known Antony courting.
Oh, Nana, don’t be saying that.
Erm, is your nana still alive, Emma? – Yeah.
– Does she live with you? No.
I’ve had my cataracts done.
If you’d have come here two weeks ago, I wouldn’t have been able to see you.
– Why? – Cos I had this patch on my eye.
It’s a very serious operation.
But, erm, I don’t say anything.
But I was very well looked after here.
I didn’t want to go home.
– What was your dad’s motor again? – A BMW.
– I thought he had that four-wheel drive? – No, that’s my mum’s.
(Whispers) Bloody hell.
Two cars I’ll get a little drink.
– Did you know Denise was pregnant? – No, I didn’t.
– We’re having a baby.
– Yeah? – Oh, congratulations.
Mam, Antony never even told Emma that I’m pregnant.
– (Barbara) Ah.
– She didn’t know about my cataracts.
Antony, get Emma a Wagon Wheel.
– I can smell something in here.
– (Barbara) I told him to put his shoes on.
It’s not me.
(Sniffs) – Can you get it? – Phwoar.
Ooh, that smells like dog muck.
(Norma) Muck for luck.
Who’s stepped that in? – Is it you, Darren? – Dunno.
Well, have a look.
Somebody’s walked it in.
– Anything on there, Jim? – No.
I think it’s me.
(Barbara) Oh, Dave.
– Sorry, Emma.
– You’re all right.
No! Dave! Take it off, you big clown.
I’m so sorry, Emma.
I’ll leave it on to dry.
Then it will be easier to get off.
Oh, well, Mam! Will you get his shoe off him? Muck for luck.
(Barbara groans in disgust) What a thing to happen.
I am sorry, Emma.
It’s all right.
Bet this never happens at your house, does it? Oh Is your nana still alive, Gary? – Nana, it’s Darren.
– (Darren) Yeah.
Does she live with you, Darren? No.
Ah, well, have to nip upstairs.
Got a turtle’s head in me underpants.
(Darren chortles) Dad! (Jim grunts) Coo-ee! Only us! – Oh, hiya, Mary.
– Hi, Barbara.
You look nice.
– Is Emma here? – Oh, yes.
– What’s she like? – Oh, she’s a really lovely girl.
– She’s a vegetarian though.
– Ah, well.
– It’s happened to a lot of them.
– I’m trying to get this off Dave’s shoe.
– (Sniffs) Dog dirt? – Yeah.
Do you know, Mary, I’ve had a whole day of it today.
Jim’s been so miserable, and now this has happened.
– Isn’t it a good job we can laugh at it? – Oh, yeah.
Oh, er did you notice anything funny about Joe? – I think he’s a bit drunk.
– Oh! He was at a bowling club do.
We put a tenner in Antony’s card.
Oh, you shouldn’t have.
– It’s so hard to know what to get them.
– Well, they’re not babies any more.
Oh, I know.
Isn’t it awful? – They’re all grown up.
– My Cheryl’s the same.
Mary, will you do me a little favour? When you go in there, will you have a little smell around for me? Tell me if you can still smell anything untoward.
I will, Barbara.
– I’m a great one for smelling anything.
– Oh, thanks, Mary.
– Parties are great, Dave.
– Cheers, Cheryl.
– That’s cool.
– Hey, where’d you get that, Cheryl? – I can get you anything like that.
– Now you tell me.
– Have you got enough there, Dave? – Well, she’s not done me any tea.
I want to tell you something.
I saw Bob Can’ter.
I hadrt seen him for 15 years.
And I saw him today.
He grew up on our street, then he moved.
Bury way I think.
I hadrt seen him for 15 years, then bugger me, he’s at the bowling club.
Very good show.
(Joe) Amazing, innit? – Dave! Nice and clean.
– Thanks, Barbara.
– Do you want something to eat? – Could I have a drink? – And just a bit to eat.
– All right.
Not a lot.
– Have you got something cheesy? – I have.
Don’t give Joe any more.
He’s had enough.
– Has he hell.
– Oh! Happy birthday, Antony.
Oh, cheers, Mary.
Oh, thanks! – And this must be Emma.
Ah, so many new names for you.
Just remember, we’re Mary and Joseph.
Like in the Bible.
But we’ve got Cheryl, not Jesus.
– (Joe) He was the image of his brother.
– Oh, was he? Had his leg taken off in the ’60s, did his brother.
Hell of a nice fellow though.
Never bothered him, having his leg off.
– Didrt it? – Ah, thanks, love.
– Here you are, Mam.
– Bought us all a drink at the club.
# Ta-da-daaaaaaaaa! – (AII cheer) – (Barbara) Now we’ll have a toast.
– Come and sit down.
– (Norma) Made me jump! – Jim, aren’t you gonna say something? – Yeah.
(Dave) Turn the volume down on the telly.
– Telly’s going for a Burton.
– Here you are, lads.
(Jim) Ladies and gentlemen, how lucky we are that our Antony managed to get a few hours off work today.
Oh, no, just remembered, Barb, he’s not working, is he? Ha! Anyway, Antony, you’ve come of age so you can have your first legal drop of ale.
But he’s not a bad lad really so I’d like to propose a toast to Antony James Royle, my son and heir to the whole of this estate.
Happy 18th birthday, Lurchio! (AII cheer) – Hey, cheers.
– Speech! (AIl) Speech! Speech! – A what? – Say something.
– I haven’t got nowt to say really.
Well, I’d like to say a nice big thank you to Emma for putting to one side our doubts about our Antony being a sausage jockey.
(Guffaws, strums banjo vigorously) Ignore him, Antony.
– Happy birthday, Antony.
– (AIl) Happy birthday! # For he’s a jolly good fellow For he’s a jolly good fellow # For he’s a jolly good fellow # And so say all of us # Speech! Speech! – Come on.
– Say something.
– I told you, I ain’t got nowt to say.
– (Denise) He’s right.
(Twiggy) You got to say something.
Well All right, er I’d just like to say, erm Thanks to everyone for coming.
(Norma) Ah! Irt he lovely? – Did you help him write that, Darren? – No.
(AII laugh) Do you remember when you were a little boy and you used to come in wanting 10p from me.
And then you used to do the Birdie Song for me and Joe.
(# All sing Birdie Song accompanied by banjo) (Rhythm changes) # Now in our family we have an heirloom # Handed down to me some years ago Scoodily-doo-diddly-do # It’s been in our possession since Grandad was a lad # And I’ll tell you what it is and then you’ll know # Well, it’s me grandad’s flannelette nightshirt # And I was christened one day # At the church, they were in a whirl # No one seemed to know if I’m a boy or a girl # Because they’d had one or two and well, they were in a mess # “That’s all right” said the preacher rather curt # He said “I’ve been and had a quiz # “I’ve found out what he is # “By his grandad’s flannelette shirt” # – Yeah, yeah, yeah! – (AII cheer) # take you home again, Kathleen # Across the ocean wild and wide – Shh! I love this.
# To where thy heart has ever been # Since first you were my bonny bride # The roses all have left your cheek # I’ve watched them fade away and die # Your voice is sad whene’er you speak # And the tears bedim your loving eyes (AII join in) # Oh, I’ll take you home, Kathleen # To where your heart will feel no pain # And when the fields are fresh and green # I’ll take you to your home again (AII murmur) – # Oh, you love me, Kathleen, dear – (Others fall silent) # Your heart is ever fond and true # I scarcely hope when you are near # That life holds nothing dear but you # The smiles that once you gave to me # I scarcely ever see them now # And all that I see # The darkening shadows on your brow (AII join in) # Oh, I will take you home, Kathleen # To where your heart will feel no pain # And when the fields are fresh and green # I’ll take you to your home again # – Your dad used to sing this.
– # That dear home beyond the sea # My Kathleen shall again return # And when thy old friends welcome be # Thy loving heart will cease to yearn # When as the little silver stream # Beside your mother’s humble can’t # And the brightest rays of sunshine gleam # There all your grief will be forgot (AII join in) # Oh, I will take you home, Kathleen # To where your heart will feel no pain # And when the fields are fresh and green # I’ll take you to your home # again # I can still smell the shit in here.
# So what you do say? # You can’t give me the dreams that are mine anyway # You’re half the world away # Half the world away # Half the world away # I’ve been lost, I’ve been found but I don’t feel down # No, I don’t feel down # No, I don’t feel down #