# I would like to leave this city # This old town don’t smell too pretty and # I can feel the warning signs # Running around my mind # So what do you say? # You can’t give me the dreams that are mine anyway # You’re half the world away # Half the world away # Half the world away # (Barrymore) Let’s tell you what you’re gonna take away.
You’ve won the champagne, the Edinburgh weekend, a holiday in the Algarve – and the money, £1,500.
– Not a bad night – Ainsley Harriott’s bathroom.
– Congratulations, well done, Sharon.
See you next week.
Good night! Oh, Jim, put BBC on, it’s Changing Rooms.
– I’m watching that.
– You’re not, you’re reading the paper.
Yes, but I’m listening to that.
No, put Changing Rooms on.
Bloody hell, what did your last slave die of? – Or or – Or I’m not gonna say it.
Are you gonna walk into a shop and ask for this? Call that entertainment, a cockney knocking nails into plywood? – Is that what it’s come to? – Shut up, Jim.
(Andy) “Can I have a pouffe, please”.
(Laurence) You were a bit interested in these squares, and what I’ve done is painted up – a little kind of – (Jim) I don’t believe it.
Look at the bloody old nancy boy tie-dyeing the neighbours’ curtains.
I’m glad we don’t pay our licence fee, that’s all I can say.
I pay it.
– You what? – Well, they’ve got detector vans now.
Detector vans, my arse.
They come and park outside your house.
They even know what you’re watching.
They wouldn’t charge us for watching that shite.
Bloody Changing bloody Rooms.
More like changing bloody channels.
Well I like seeing people’s houses get done up.
It’s very popular is this, Jim.
Have I got to do an hour and half film of me in the bathroom? When was the last time you did any decorating? I’m waitir for them Changing Room clowns.
Like them two.
They’re doing bugger all, sitting on their arses.
I’d be ashamed to let anybody come here.
(Laurence) You’ve not seen my arts and crafts.
I wouldn’t let old nancy boy round here.
(Carol) Next door, Laurence is getting nervous.
(Laurence) She really hates it.
Paint stripper will sort it out.
It’s not irreversible.
I think I might stencil our kitchen unit.
Stencil, my arse.
– (Carol) They’ve been – He would.
There’s nothing he’d like better than to stencil my arse.
– That’d keep you quiet.
Nothing he’d like better.
– (Laurence) What we’re gonna do – You know, Jim, you’ve no imagination.
This house could be lovely.
What’s wrong with it? It’s like a bloody show home, isn’t it? Ha! (Laurence) So it’s going to be a struggle.
(Doorbell) Quick, hide the telly, it might be the detector van.
(Laughs) Smillie, my arse.
You all right? – Yeah.
You all right? – Yeah.
– All right, Barbara.
(Jim) Bloody hell, that’s all we want, Torvill and Dean back again, eh? – Hiya, Dad.
– Sit down, kid.
I haven’t seen you two since, er When was the last time I saw you? Must have been last night, mustrt it? Bloody hell.
Don’t sit still for too long or your mother’ll stencil you.
(Denise) Oh, is it Changing Rooms? (Barbara) Yeah.
– (Denise) I love this.
– Yeah, so do I.
(Chuckles) (Carol) hinges for his big cupboards.
Andy’s hit on a brilliant idea.
Cut a fancy shape out of Oh, Denise.
Ooh, I like those.
Oh! Ooh, aren’t they lovely, yeah.
– Catalogue? – Market.
(Tuts) (Mouths) (Sighs happily) Oh, you are with it, our Denise.
(Chuckles) (Woman) Chatting to Pammy.
(2nd woman) Chatting? (Woman) To Pammy.
(2nd woman) To Pammy.
(Laughs) (Carol) Pammy, in case you wondered, is a tailor’s dummy.
Oh, God, Denise! I nearly forgot, you’ve been for your antenatal.
– Mm, yeah.
– How did you get on? Well, it was all a bit weird really.
This midwife woman what was running it said we had to talk about our partners and our partners had to talk about us.
What did Dave say about you? Well, he just said that I was pregnant.
That must have been a shock for the rest of the antenatal class! – Bloody hell.
– (AII laugh) I didn’t really know what to say about Dave.
I just said about, you know, his disco and about the removals that he does.
But there isn’t much else to say about him really.
(Woman) I wouldn’t speak to you.
(Laurence) That sounds great.
Oh, and I said about how long we’ve been together.
– (Laurence) And I’ve got a – How long is it now? – Five years.
– Oh, five years, yeah.
(Jim) Bloody hell, they must have been clinging on to every word.
– (AII chuckle) – You’re a sarcastic sod, you are, Jim.
I’m not! I bet they were just glad to see them instead of being stuck in ‘ere watching bloody paint dry like that! – What’s up with you, flabby arse? – Take no notice, he’s been like it all day.
– Why? – Cos Nana’s coming to stay for a week.
– (Jim) It’s not definite yet.
– Yes, it is.
(Denise) Dad, she’s having a cataract removed.
A cataract? What’s she having it removed for? If she hasn’t seen everything by the time she’s 84 what else is left to look at? Jim, it’s a very serious operation.
She’s only coming for a week.
Once she gets her flabby arse on that settee she’ll be there for the duration.
(Dave) It’ll be company for you while Barbara’s at work.
Norma’s never stuck for summat to say.
If you’ve done the boxroom she can stay with you.
– I’d love to have Nana stay with us.
– No way.
Do you m? This is my mother we’re talking about here.
I can’t leave her on her own when she’s not well with no one to talk to.
Pity she hasn’t got cataracts on her tongue.
All right, that’ll do, Jim.
(Laurence) Paint the whole thing up.
(Woman) A kind of 1950s idea.
(Laurence) Of course! Hardboard.
Is there any chance of a brew here? Well, our Antony isn’t here.
He’s gone out with Emma.
What time will he be back? I’m gaggir here.
I don’t know.
He won’t be late.
(Woman) I didn’t take you at your word.
Hey, our Denise, you should see her.
She’s only 17, you know, and she’s got a car.
Tiny little thing, she is.
– (Denise) She’s got her own car? – Yeah.
What’s she doing with our Antony then? Oh, I don’t know.
(Woman) That’ll be about two layers of paint.
Antony going out with a bird with a car, eh? (Woman) Mediterranean palette.
She needs the bloody cataract operation.
(AII laugh) What’s she look like? Well she looks like one of the Spice Girls, you know.
– Does she? – Mm.
(Mutters) (Carol) There’s a washing machine.
Oh, hey, Denise, she’s got her nose pierced.
(Jim) Bloody hell, Piggy Spice.
(AII chuckle) (Sighs contentedly) (Woman) but fixed to the ceiling so that I can drop four long drapes round.
– Mm? Why don’t you take your coat off? I’m all right.
May as well take it off, Dave.
It’s all right, I’m OK.
Why don’t you just take it off? Mm I’m fine with it on.
Take your jacket off, Dave.
I’m-I’m OK, Barbara.
You won’t feel the benefit, you know, when you go out.
That don’t matter.
Why don’t you just take it off? Take your bloody jacket off, will you, Dave?! – (Dave) Bloody hell.
– Bloody hell’s right! I’ve got me coat on.
What does it matter? I was all right then with that on.
– Much better.
– See? (Carol) And to make it stick – good old panelling glue.
I like squirting the gunk.
– Dave – Mm.
We could strip the floorboards in our kitchen.
You’re joking, aren’t you? It’s good lino in there.
You don’t want to be getting splinters in your feet while you’re dashing over a hot stove.
Has she, er has she cooked you a little meal yet, Dave? Not a meal.
Dad, Dave has his dinner at the chippie.
He don’t need a big meal when he comes in.
(Jim) Just as well, eh? Oh, look at Masterchef! You’ve never cooked a meal either.
He’ll get plenty of practice next week making dinners for him and Norma.
(AII laugh) (Jim) The only time she’s quiet is when she’s got her gob full.
Ohh! (Car pulls up outside) – I bet that’s our Antony.
– Let’s have a look.
(Jim and Dave groaning) (Dave) Oh, it is him.
It is him.
Oh (Gasps) Oh, he’s kissir her! (Cackles) (Dave) Oh.
Hey, she looks all right.
(Dave) Nice set of alloys.
(Denise) I like her hair.
(Denise) Why is she going out with our Antony? (Dave) Hmm.
(Denise) Oh, he’s gettir out.
He’s gettir out.
– He’s gettir out.
– He’s gettir out, Jim.
(Denise) No, he’s still talking to her.
Oh, look at him.
And his hands on the roof leaning in the window.
(Dave) Whoarr – (Denise) He’s comir! – (Car drives off) (Dave) Oh-oh! (Jim) Sit down! (Door slams) # When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie # That’s amore # When the stars start to shine like you’ve had too much wine # That’s amore # (Laughing) (Dave) Whoo Hey, nice little car, that, Ant.
Is it comfy on the back seat? How old are you lot? (Sighs) (Laughing and cooing) OK, Romeo, now get the kettle on.
We’re all parched.
– Why didn’t you bring her in, Antony? – Why do you think? Antony, you’re back a bit early, aren’t you, love? Yeah, Emma’s got an exam tomorrow.
– (AIl) Ooh! – 11-plus? (AII laugh) Hey, where’s she from, Lurch? Altrincham.
Oh, hey, we’ll be made up when they’re married, won’t we?! Whoo-hoo! You’re worse than a bunch of kids, you lot.
Havert you put the kettle on? – All right, who wants a brew? – (Jim) Every-bloody-body.
See what happens when you fall in love? It makes you dead lazy.
(Chuckles) Have you had your teas? – (Both) Yeah.
– What did you have? – Spaghetti.
– Bolognese? Hoops.
(# Changing Rooms theme) – We had chops.
– (Denise) Did you? – (Barbara) Yeah.
– Bloody big thick ones like that.
(Man) Lots has changed.
(Woman) Wow, it’s there’s so much colour! OK, bab? (Man) What’s happened to our units there? (Woman) I’ve still got my pine there.
(Man) Look at the chair in the corner.
How’s work going, Dave? Nah, it’s no good, the money’s hopeless.
They’re only paying you from the neck down, see.
Had a nightmare today.
Moving this woman who’s splitting up from her husband.
We were shifting the stuff into the van, he was taking it all back in again.
I hate handling divorces.
You’re not Petro-bloody-celli, son, you’re just a furniture remover.
(Dave) She was crying and all sorts.
Oh Was she? Yeah, we had to hang around ages waiting for a brew.
– Till she stopped crying.
(Barbara) Oh, irt it awful? Mm.
(Spoon clinking in cup) What were they splitting up over? I didn’t really go that deep into it.
It’s terrible really, irt it? (Denise) Yeah.
They’re splitting up and here’s our Antony finding love.
(Barbara and Denise) Ahh.
Oh, thank you, Lurchio.
– There we go.
– Thanks, love.
(# Changing Rooms theme) Denise, are you going down there tomorrow? – Where? – Kissing me arse.
Hey! (Barbara) I hope you don’t say things like that to Emma.
(Jim) She’s a lucky girl, that Emma.
She’s landed on her feet with you.
What with your prospects, is it gonna be Burger King, McDonald’s, who knows? They must have riveting conversations.
I hope she likes The Simpsons.
You know who your dad reminds me of in The Simpsons? – Who? – Homo.
(Laughter) – Homo.
– (Barbara) Look at his face! He doesn’t like it when we laugh at him.
I’m laughing at you, you dopey bugger – it’s not Homo, it’s Homer! Oh.
(Laughs) Ohh (# Animal Hospital theme) – Hey, any biscuits, Ant? – No, there was none in the barrel.
Have a look in the secret cupboard.
(Rolf) Some are more difficult to examine than others.
I mean, you might think a dog would be – Dave.
– Mm? Oh, yeah.
(Antony) Shall I open the Wagon Wheels? – No! – Yeah! – Kitkats? – (AIl) No! – Bring us a Penguin.
– (Denise) Can’t we open ’em all? I’m only opening one.
If I open more than one packet it’ll get ate.
That’s the trouble in this house, every time I open something it goes.
But the baby wants a Wagon Wheel.
Antony! Open the Wagon Wheels and don’t open the Kitkats.
Some Penguin and some Club biscuits are already open.
Hey, and save some biscuits for next week for Nana and Homo.
(AII laugh) (Barbara) What did I call Homo before? – (Dave) Homer.
– Oh, yeah.
Oh, what am I like? Hey, just one.
– You want one, Dave? – Mm, yeah, I’ll have a Club, please.
– Thank you.
I think I’ll have this one.
# If you like a lot of chocolate # On your biscuit join our Club # # If you’re feeling p-p-p-p-peckish # P-P-P-P-Pick up a Penguin # (Laughs) (Man) I think we’re gonna have to treat him for mites anyway.
# Only the crumbliest, flakiest chocolate # Tastes like chocolate never tasted before # (Laughter) (Man) We’re gonna give him a little dusting with something that kills mites.
(Jim) Who remembers this one? # She flies like a bird in the sky # She flies like a bird # I wish that she was mine # She flies like a bird (Tunelessly) # Oh me oh my # I see her fly # And now I know # I can’t let Maggie go # For two points, Dave, what was that the advert for? “Nimble – real bread, but lighter.
” – Correct! – Whoo! Correct, young man.
(Woman) Tell him he’s naughty then he flies in.
You mustrt be a naughty boy.
(Man) Is that how you tell him off? (Woman) If he’s doing something (Man) Fantastic.
(Woman) That’s naughty, Starlight.
– (Rolf) They seem like a happy family.
Now, having a young puppy is like having a toddler.
Take your eye off them and they can get into all sorts of difficulties.
– That’s just what happened to Sammy, a little puppy brought in to see vet Tessa Bailey.
(Woman) He’s really lethargic and he’s not breathing properly.
And a few days ago the council came to put some mouse poison down and I saw he’d chewed one of the boxes to pieces so I think he ate some.
(Tessa) How long ago was that? (Woman) That was on Tuesday.
(Tessa) Three days ago.
Do you know what the best advert was, bar none? Cadbury’s Smash.
(Robot voice) “We peel them with a steely knife.
Ha ha ha!” (Laughs) (Barbara) You know the one I like best? That tea ad with all the chimps.
– (AIl) Ahh, yeah.
– How did they get them to do that? I don’t know but I’ll tell you what – I wish I could get them chimps to spend a week with our Antony teaching him how to make a proper brew! – Dave.
– Mm? – I’ve finished now.
I’m dying for a wee.
– (Barbara) I bet you’re going loads now.
It’s knackering me out.
(Barbara) Go now and get it over with.
– I’ve just got comfy.
You know I’d go for you if I could, don’t you? Yeah.
(Woman) It’s a shame, you know What you been doing today? – Been dead busy.
– Ooh, so have I.
Hey, did you see Jerry Springer? – Yeah.
– (Barbara laughs) I was dead mad cos I fell asleep and missed Pet Rescue.
(Jim) It’ll be like that here when your Nana’s here.
Bloody Trisha, then Kilroy, then Richard & Judy.
Don’t forget to tape Kilroy if she’s watching Trisha or the other way round.
Is she gonna watch all these with just the one eye?! She can’t have both cataracts done at once.
– So she’ll be staying here again?! – Yes! Bloody hellfire! (Woman) But I am really worried so I (Antony) Dave? – Mm? – How do you get a gig in The Feathers? Antony! You haven’t told them about your new venture.
What is it? Well, I’m managing a band (Hysterical laughter) Bloody hell, it’s Brian Epstein! – Oh, our Antony – Oh, man.
You’re managing a band? – Who’s in it? – Well Darrers on bass – (Chuckling) Briars on vocals – and Tiggsy’s on drums.
– Little Tiggsy on drums? Yeah.
Well, more of a drum machine but yeah.
Oh, I’ve gotta see this.
Can you get us a gig at The Feathers or what? You’re the manager, aren’t you? Anyway, what do they sound like? Well, sort of a cross between Oasis and the Manics.
What sort of stuff do they do? Well, we do a cover of Wonderwall and a song Ryan wrote about his son – Access All Areas.
Ryars never seen his son.
Yeah, that’s what the song’s about.
He can’t get access.
– (Barbara) Ahh.
– Bloody hell.
So what’s the name of this band then? Oh, yeah – Exit.
– (Laughter) – No, all right, listen, no, listen.
It’s a marketing thing, right? Wherever we play, our name’s up in lights.
– (Dave) Oh – Hey, Antony, that’s really clever.
– Exit, my arse! – (Imitates horn) – (Dave laughs) So is there only three in this band then? No, there’s Ryars brother ar all.
– What’s he play? – Nowt.
He’s just gonna be dancir on the stage.
Like Bez out of the Happy Mondays.
What are you having that for?! You don’t want Louis at the side of the stage just arsing about, do you? Not really but we have to.
They’re his amps what we use.
(Dave) Oh, bloody hell.
I’ve got a gig for you – you can play our christening.
Dave, we’re not having Exit play Access All Areas at our baby’s christening.
I’d have give you the gig, Ant.
Dave, I’ve told you, we’re having me Charlotte Church tape at the christening – not that bunch of no-marks.
– (Laughs) – I think they sound great.
– Have you heard ’em? No but I like anything musical.
Our Antony, you’re only being invited cos you can’t play anything.
– What else does this job entail? You know, just just looking after ’em, really.
And making sure they get gigs.
Sorting out contracts with record companies and that.
Oh You’ll be down the front holding them groupies back when Ryars brother’s giving it all that.
(Denise) Ain’t Tiggsy still doing Community Service? (Antony) He’s got a year to go.
Well, you can’t be conquering America if he’s got to come home every bloody weekend to do his community service.
(Laughing) (Barbara, laughing) Ohh Oh have you got any tapes? We’re gonna do a demo when Tiggsy’s mum lets us use the garage.
No use wasting money on Abbey Road if Joarll lend you the garage.
– (Dave laughs) – (Denise) Don’t have Ryan singing.
– He ain’t got anything about him.
– Oh, Ryan.
A father at 15.
(Antony) Thing is, we really need to be having a gig.
You know, to get the A&R men to come down.
– Can you ask at The Feathers, Dave? – (Jim) They’ll love that.
All the cockney wide boys with their ponytails, and Taff O’Leary screaming for his tankard.
Ain’t it funny, he’ll only drink out of his own tankard? Like your mother with that china cup.
Oh, I knew we’d get back to my mother.
(Sighs) OK, Dave, shall we nip down The Feathers and get a gig for Boyzone? We’ve not practised enough yet! Well, shove it up your arse then! You try to bloody help and look at that! (Man) a bit warmer now.
We’re gonna need some gloves.
Very difficult, so let’s just see how we go there, really.
– I’m still dying for a wee.
– Well, go then, Yeah May as well wait till we get home.
Shall we go down The Feathers then, Jim? Dave, you’re going nowhere.
Hey, Denise, you know them new trousers? They look bloody awful.
Oh! Look at you in that manky vest – you’re hardly Bruce Willis in Die Hard.
(AII laugh) I’m dying for a wee.
Will you go for a piss! # So what do you say? # You can’t give me the dreams that are mine anyway # You’re half the world away # Half the world away # Half the world away # I’ve been lost, I’ve been found but I don’t feel down # No, I don’t feel down # No, I don’t feel down #