# I would like to leave this city # This old town don’t smell too pretty and # I can feel the warning signs # Running around my mind # So what do you say? # You can’t give me the dreams that are mine anyway # You’re half the world away # Half the world away # Half the world away # Stop messing with your hair, Denise.
She’s done it lovely.
– Oh Is it too Princess Anne? – No! I wanted a load of bits, you know, hanging round on me face.
It’ll all be hanging round your face if you’re not careful.
– I’ll do it.
– You know what I wanted, don’t you? She’s shite, that Sandra Beswick.
She werert interested, were she, Mam? No.
She were definitely hungover.
– (Norma) Anyone want a sandwich? – Oh No! (Norma) I’m doing one for myself.
Is that all right, Barbara? Yes.
What’s she filling her face for at this time? She’s got all day to fill her face.
– That’s better, irt it? – Yeah.
Have you had any breakfast, Denise? I’ve not been able to keep owt down.
Have I, Mam? I’ve got butterflies in my stomach like you wouldn’t believe.
Look at my hand, Cheryl.
You look absolutely gorgeous, Cheryl.
Don’t she, Mam? You look like a china doll.
It’s really tight.
It’s pinching me under the arms.
Is it, heck.
You look gorgeous and all, Mam.
Don’t she, Cheryl? I had to get something good.
Dave’s mum’s got a suit from Marks.
Can’t let the side down, can I? Now, right, look at me.
Right? Be honest.
Have I got too much blusher on? You can’t have too much blusher on on your wedding day.
You’re the blushing bride, aren’t you? Ooh, Cheryl, light us a fag.
(Barbara) Light us one and all, will you, Cheryl? Ooh, ta.
(Plane flies over) Oh, thanks, love.
I’m a bag of nerves.
Hey, shall we have a drop of brandy? Ooh.
I don’t know whether I should stink of booze today.
– Yeah, yeah.
Just a little one.
– Don’t see why we shouldn’t.
– They’re all down the Feathers.
– Pull a little more down, Cheryl.
– You’ll look like a bloody Dulux dog.
(Laughs) Ooh I’ll swing for you, Antony.
– You all right, Mam? – Don’t worry about me.
I’ll see to myself.
Have you got a bit of piccalilli for this cheese, Barbara? I had a look but I couldn’t see any.
I don’t like to root on the wedding day.
You’ll have to put it on yourself.
It’s Gwers husband’s funeral on Monday.
I said to Gwen, “So.
It’s a wedding on the Saturday “and a funeral on the Monday.
” I’d like to wear these new shoes cos they’ll be worn in by then but I’m not wearing this outfit cos it’s a bit too jazzy for a funeral.
– You don’t want to wear that outfit.
– Hey, Barb.
– What? Dave’s in a hell of a state, love.
Oh, my God.
Jim, how could you let this happen? – He was just having a little – Oh (Sniggers) – (AII laugh) – Hey (Jim) Wahey! # Here we go, here we go, here we go # Here we go, here we go # – You’re a shower of shite.
It’s not funny.
– # Here we go, here we go, here we go # Barbara, there’s no piccalilli left in this jar.
Oh, shut up, Mother.
Arert you getting changed? Get off.
I haven’t got me hat on yet.
I bet it’s a whopper.
You haven’t borrowed Cilla’s, have you? Dave, what are you doing here? If Denise comes down, the wedding’ll be off.
What do you think I’ve come for? No, I’ve only come back from the pub.
Don’t you know it’s unlucky for the bride to see the groom in the morning? I don’t remember seeing you that morning.
Sod off, the lot of you.
You’re a waste of time.
Get him out of here.
– Would you like a sandwich, love? – No, thanks, Nana.
There’s no piccalilli left in this jar.
Can we continue with the celebrations in the light of that revelation? I don’t know.
It’s a bit tricky that, Jim.
I’ll have a sarnie, Norm.
And I tell you what.
– What? – You are looking lovelier than ever.
Go on! You’re gonna be snapped up at that wedding.
Ooh! I hope so! I’ll get you a bloody trowel if you’re gonna put it on any thicker.
Who’s for a nice drop of brandy? – Oh, yeah.
– Barbara’s taken that upstairs.
– That’s not a problem.
A nice little drop of whisky.
(Twiggy) Go nice with me sarnie, that.
– Cheers, Jim.
– Want some, Norma? No.
You know me.
I just have a sherry at Christmas.
And me stout – Bloody hell.
Yes or no? – Yes.
Just say so.
To my little girl, Denise.
– Hang on, Jim.
It’s not your speech yet.
I’m not doing my speech.
I’ve put a nice few gags in it, though.
(Norma) I hope it’s not blue.
You’ll have to watch your Chubby Brown video for that.
I love Chubby Brown.
I saw him last year at the Apollo.
You’d enjoy him, Norma.
– I don’t like anything blue, me.
– No, no.
You’re like me there.
Would one of you big fellas put a film in my camera? I’ve got a 36 cos it’s going to be a long day, irt it? Oh! (AIl) Oooh! (Dave) Hiya, babe! Hey, truffle blossom! Oh, sorry, Norma.
It was a compliment.
If our Denise doesn’t turn up, you can marry Cheryl in that rig-out.
– Oh, aye.
– Dave, Denise is dead mad with you.
– She wants you out of here.
– (AIl) Oooh.
She says you’re jeopardising your future happiness.
I’m going in a minute.
Hey, did she get her flowers? Yeah, they’re gorgeous.
Where did you get them from? I don’t know.
Where did you get them from? If you knew that, you’d know as much as me, kid.
– Is she all right? – Well, yeah No.
She’s started to panic.
Hey, she’s not the only one.
My arse is like that.
Hey, where’s your best man? Barry, irt it? No, Gary.
He’s got to work.
He can’t get the morning off.
– He’s going straight from the butchers.
– That’s all we want.
– The church stinking of bloody mince.
– You know what’ll happen.
He’ll put his hand in his pocket for the ring and pull out a pork chop.
I ‘ate me ‘air.
– It’s just all going wrong.
– I know.
– I know.
It’s all too much, irt it? – It is.
(Barbara) Come on.
(Sighs) What’s he doing downstairs? He’s just down there with your dad and Twiggy.
He says his arse is going like that.
Oh What does he look like in his suit? He looks gorgeous.
– Does he? – Yeah.
I think Twiggy’s trying to cop wi’ me.
– You wouldn’t go with him, would you? – No.
– You would, wouldn’t ya? – Yeah, I would.
(Sighs) – You all right, Mam? – I can’t be doing with those stairs.
Now where’s the bride-to-be? Hiya, Nana.
How are you, love? – I’m all right.
Ooh, Nana This is the happiest day of your life, love.
It’ll all be downill from here, won’t it, Barbara? – Leave it, Mam.
– I brought you them earrings.
– There you are, love.
– Are they old or borrowed? – Borrowed.
I’m sorry, love, but I couldn’t part with them even for you.
Here you are, have this, then.
– Oh – Aww.
– Your heart necklace.
– Oh, Mam.
For keeps? – Yeah.
What’s it look like? It looks lovely.
It looks lovely.
And what’s your something blue? Oh, Cheryl got me this garter.
(Norma) Woo! Hark at you! If I get married again, the something blue will be the veins in my legs.
– Do you want a little brandy, Mam? – No, thanks.
You know I don’t drink.
– Go on.
Just a small one.
– Well Just to wet my whistle, then.
Make it a double while you’re at it, will you? That were a nice bit of cheese, Barbara.
Where did you get it? – At the precinct.
– Here you are, then.
– Ta, love.
– Hey, cheers.
– All the best.
Do you know, I can’t believe this day’s finally come.
– We seem to have planned it forever.
– Yeah, we were.
– (Men cheering) – Oh God, what time is it? Ooh, it’s ten past.
Ten past? Oh, Mum, get rid of that knobhead I’m marrying.
Oh, God, this is just all doing my head in now.
It’s just doing my head in.
I didn’t know you had a blind barber.
Get off, get off.
Have you had a haircut or just had your ears lowered? Tell us who did it, we’ll go and get ‘im for you.
That’s a bit tricky.
Is that cut from the inside? Oh, Antony, you look lovely.
(AIl) Woo! Lovely! All right, that’s enough.
Take no notice of this scruffy lot.
You’ve got five minutes.
Get your suit on.
– It’s all laid out on the bed.
– Ooh! – Mummy’s boy! – Hey, you.
– I was just going.
I’m just going for a slash.
I’d better go and do me mam’s hat.
I don’t know whether I’m coming or going.
– You all right, kiddo? – Ah, yeah.
– Not long now, eh? – No.
I just want to give you a little bit of advice.
My own dad gave me this advice years ago on my wedding day so it’s genuine.
Just a little tip.
Just something to keep ’em sweet.
If you ever go out with the lads and you think you’ll be in about 11:30, tell her you won’t be back till 12.
Then when you get back at 11:30, she’ll be made up because she’ll think you’ve come back early for her.
Do you know what I’m saying? Just one step ahead.
It’s just a little tip.
– It keeps you in her good books.
Good one, that, Jim.
Up there for thinking, down there for dancing.
– I’d better be going, hadrt I? – One more drop.
– A little drop to see you on your way.
– Ooh, aye.
– I’ll be seeing you later anyway, won’t I? – Aye.
You, er – You will look after her, won’t you? – Aye, Jim.
(Toilet flushes) Hey, Norma.
No sliding down the banisters there, girl.
(Norma) Ooh! – Are you decent? – (Denise) Yeah.
Ah, well, I’m coming in anyway.
Oh, Denise, you look lovely.
– This is still my dressing gown.
– I know, but if you look that good in a dressing gown Hey, this is your last chance.
I’ve got a fast car downstairs, two tickets for Rio in the glove box and knock-off sports gear in the boot.
– What do you say? – (Laughs) – You’re tempting me now, Twiggy.
– What sort of sports gear? I’ve got a load of trackie bottoms.
I’ll get them out at the reception, sort you out.
Hey, how’s Dave? I’m not sure that he isn’t having second thoughts.
He’s got a lovely suit on, but he’s wearing running shoes.
I’m dead nervous.
Imagine what a state I’d look if he didn’t turn up.
Imagine what a state he’d look when you caught him.
He’s skipping off nowhere.
I’ll break his legs for you if I have to.
Oh, cheers, Twiggy.
– Hey, have a great day.
See ya, kiddo.
– (Denise) Ta.
– Oh, he’s got a heart of gold.
I think, if there’s no one better, I’m gonna cop with him tonight.
He’ll be made up with that, him.
I’ve just popped my head round the corner.
She’s far too good for you, you ugly get.
Now come on, mucker.
I’ll make sure he doesn’t do a runner.
– See ya.
– See ya later.
(Dave) See yas.
(Door slams) (Whispers) Ladies Ladies Ladies and gentlemen and anyone else who’s (Mumbles) Ladies and gentlemen I’d like to thank you all for coming.
(Mutters) (Laughs) Yeah – All right, Joe? – Yeah.
I’m just, er just going through me speech.
I’ve got to walk a fine line with Dave’s family.
I don’t want to be too blue.
– It’s a shame.
Hey, I tell you what.
Your Cheryl looks smart in a dress, doesn’t she? Aye, she does.
– It’s cutting her under the arms.
– What is? The dress.
She’s too fat for it.
It’s the big day.
I’m as nervous as if it were my own.
I tell you what, you look bloody lovely.
You look like one of them leprechauns.
Oh, thank you, Jim.
It’s only C&A.
You look lovely yourself, Jim.
Do you like Joe’s suit there? We bought it for his brother’s funeral.
52, he was.
Mam, it was too far forward before.
Just leave it.
– That’s the fashionable way to wear it.
– Hello, everyone.
Oh, hiya, Mary.
Can you believe it? Oh, it’s chaos in here.
Our Denise was crying earlier.
Your Cheryl’s with her now and they’re bitching about Beverley Macca.
That’s good, dear.
Antony, turn that down.
What are you doing, cleaning them here? Get a newspaper down.
– Is this hat too far forward? – No.
We can still see your face.
– I’m only joking.
Who wants a whisky? – No, thanks, Jim.
– Joe? – No, ta.
(Sports commentary on TV) Antony, I won’t tell you again.
Turn that telly down.
– I just turned it.
– Turn it again.
– Barbara? – Yes, please.
Just a little one, love.
Norma? – Yes, please.
– Can I have one, Dad? – No.
Look at Antony’s lovely haircut.
He looks like a little choirboy.
He looks like a little gay boy.
(Barbara sighs) I’ve been so busy this morning, I’ve hardly had time to smoke.
Give us one now.
(Door opens) (Cheryl) You ready? # Here comes the bride, all dressed in white # Da-da, da-da-daa # – Oh, you look bloody gorgeous, girl.
– But does me hair look like shite? – No.
You look gorgeous.
Oh, Jim, you must feel so proud.
Look at the pair of you.
Denise the blushing bride, and our Cheryl in dusky peach.
You look dead nice in that dress.
Oh, cheers, Ant.
You don’t look too bad yourself.
– Them earrings set it off a treat, Denise.
– Oh, yeah, thanks, Nana.
– Don’t lose them.
– Bloody hell, Norm.
Hasrt she got enough to worry about? Dad, will you give me a ciggie for me nerves? Oh, yes, love.
Where’s the lighter? – Here you are, love.
– Denise? – Oh, hello, Joe.
– Oh, thanks, Joe.
– Bloody hell.
Steady on, Joe.
You silver-tongued charmer.
This is my last day here.
– Will you miss us, Ant? – Oh, yeah.
Like a hole in a parachute.
– I’m having your room.
– Get lost.
That’s my room.
What if me and Dave want to stop over? – (Jim) You’ll only be down the road.
– Mam, will you tell him? We’ll talk about it later.
Don’t forget to ring us from Tenerife.
– I want to know how you’re getting on.
– It’ll be the middle of the night.
I’m having that room.
I don’t care.
– We’d better be off.
Our taxi’ll be here.
All the best.
See you in church.
# Going to the chapel and you’re going to be married # Oh, it’s going to be a lovely day.
I know it.
And the weather’s lovely.
God’s smiling down on you already.
Oh, ta, Mary.
Ta for making the dress.
Oh Cheryl, love.
Hold yourself up straight.
That’s a good girl.
– Bye, everyone.
– See you later.
– See ya.
– See you later.
– Bye, Joe.
I’d better have a quick Tom Tit.
– Thanks for keeping us informed, Jim.
– He’s lucky to be so regular.
When you get to my age, it’s all or nothing.
What time are those cars supposed to be getting here? (Gasps) Mam, I’ve just thought of something.
– What? – What about all the presents? I have to give you our keys because we’re going straight to Tenerife.
You best not leave the presents in your flat.
They’ll get robbed.
I’ll have to bring them back here and then we’ll put them in your room.
Not her room.
I’m having her room.
Put them in my room.
Will you shut up about my room? You’re making Cheryl smudge my nails.
(Norma) You should have done that before you put that frock on.
If that bottle goes over, that’ll be it.
the same time.
Third place looks comfortable Antony, will you turn that off? It’s an important day.
– I’m watching it.
– No, you’re not.
Turn it off.
– Will you blow on them, Cheryl? – Yeah.
Cheryl, that looks right tight on you, that dress.
– That’s the style of the dress.
(Footsteps on stairs) Barbara, I’m shitting like a newborn baby.
Trust you to get the runs on a day like today.
It’s not like that with me.
I thought today I’d see some movement, but no.
Tell you what.
I could take the presents back in my cab if you want.
– (Jim) What have we got for the trots? – We’ve got nothing.
I’ll give you money towards the fare.
(Norma) I’m thinking of asking Dave to run me home to get my comfortable shoes after the church do, ready for the night do.
Nana, Dave can’t run you home.
Oh, no, he will.
He’s very fond of me, is David.
Dave’s the bloody groom.
He’s not nipping no one nowhere no-bloody-how.
– You’ll have to get someone else.
– I don’t like to ask anybody else.
But you don’t mind asking the groom.
– Mam, will you tell her? – Mam.
You’ll have to get a taxi.
I can’t do that.
My shoes are upstairs.
It’ll cost me a fortune.
Antony, go and see if the bloody chemist is open.
There’s no time.
There’s no time to watch the bloody telly so get it off.
Jim, why don’t you just stop off at the chemist on the way to the church? We’re not stopping off at a bloody chemists with me sat in the back in me bride’s dress like a knobhead.
– I’m a bag of nerves now.
– I’ll show you nerves in the khazi.
Antony, over the road and ask Lorraine if she’s got owt.
We’ll have to be quick down the aisle if this keeps up.
(Norma) It’s not like me.
I usually break them in first.
I can’t remember if I’ve fed Robson now.
I’m sorry, Denise, love.
The last thing I wanted was to be standing at the altar with ring sting.
If they pass that collection box, it won’t be money I’ll be putting in it.
– What are you going to do about it? – About what? My shoes.
Oh, Mam, it’s sorted.
You’ll go in a taxi.
We have to bring the wedding cake back and all.
– I can take that in the cab as well.
– Oh, thanks, Cheryl.
She’s not in but the taxi’s here.
– (Norma) Oh! Where’s my bag? – Come on, let’s Oh, me handbag.
– Cheryl, will you get her handbag? – Get me handbag, will you? – I’m getting in the front.
– Come back and wish her good luck.
It’s the last time you’ll see her as a single woman.
– Good luck, fat arse.
– See you, Ant.
That’s the best you’ll get.
All the best, Denise.
I’ve got 36 films in my camera so I’m sure to get a good one.
– Thanks, Nana.
– Ta-ra, love.
– Do you want me to take your ciggies? – No.
I’ll shove them in here.
– Well, see you later, then, Mrs Best.
– Oh, shut up! – I’ll make sure you catch my posy, OK? – All right.
– Oh, Denise.
– You look absolutely gorgeous.
– Do I? Yeah.
Well, love, I hope you’re going to be very happy.
– He’s a lovely lad, Dave.
My little Denise.
I think I’ve seen the worst of that now.
I’ll see you later, Jim.
See you later.
Come and see her now.
Cheryl, get in the bloody taxi arse-first like her.
Your mam looks great, doesn’t she? She’s doing you really proud, kid.
Even our bloody Antony scrubbed up well.
(Sniffs) – What’s the do – Nothing.
It’s just the last time I’ll be Denise Royle.
It’s really weird getting married.
– I don’t even know whether I’ll like it.
– Hey, come on.
Don’t be soft.
You’ll bloody love it, won’t you? You look radiant.
You look like a grand princess.
I’m dead proud of you.
Even though I never could keep down a job? It doesn’t bloody matter now, does it? Let the other silly bugger do it.
(Doorbell) Here’s the bloody do.
Hey, look at that.
What a car.
It’s a pity we’re only going to church in it, isn’t it? Tell them I’m not ready yet, right? Just a minute, pal.
Just a few last-minute preparations.
Preparations, my arse.
Let’s have a little drop of whisky.
Have a ciggie off your old dad.
What about poor Cheryl? What does she look like in that bloody frock? Dad.
It’ll make you look better in the photographs.
Dad, you know I never say anything nice to you and I always go on at you for picking your nose and farting? Well, you know, I You and me mam, both of you, more than anything.
I hope my arse holds up.
(Door slams) # So what do you say? # You can’t give me the dreams that are mine anyway # Half the world away # Half the world away # Half the world away # I’ve been lost, I’ve been found but I don’t feel down # No, I don’t feel down # No, I don’t feel down #