# I would like to leave this city # This old town don’t smell too pretty and # I can feel the warning signs # Running around my mind # So what do you say? # You can’t give me the dreams that are mine anyway # You’re half the world away # Half the world away # Half the world away # (Barbara) I’ve only got paracetamol.
These should do the trick.
How are you feeling now? It’s behind that eye, then it’s behind that eye, and then it’s round there and it’s sort of coming behind there.
– It just won’t let up.
I think it’s all stress-related.
Funny how she gets stressed after she’s had 17 halves of lager.
You’ve taken on too much with this wedding, Denise.
– (Jim) She’s got a bloody hangover.
– It’s stress.
– Shift, Denise.
I wanna sit down.
– Sit somewhere else.
– Get up and go to bed if you’re ill.
– It’s freezing up there.
Why’s she doing that voice? – Because I’m not well.
– (Barbara) Here.
You never know with headaches, what they can turn into.
Aye, a bloody drama.
Well, I think it’s a combination of stress and something else.
It’s Dr Quinn Medicine Woman.
– Antony, switch it over.
– I’m watching that.
I thought you were busy with your headache.
Jim, leave her, will you? She’s got a lot on with this wedding.
Oh, don’t keep talking about the wedding.
It’s me who should have a headache, in me bloody pocket.
Peg-leg Pete won’t have one.
I can tell you that for nowt.
Where’d you get this lot? Somebody’s compost heap? It stinks.
Jim, show us that card me mam sent you.
– It’s there on the mantelpiece.
– Pass it us.
Oh, bloody hell.
How long’s she known me? 25 years? How many times has she seen me play bloody golf? Well, it’s the sentiment, irt it? “Happy birthday, Jim.
” She didn’t go overboard on the sentiment there, did she? I think Barbara Can’tland’s job’s safe for a bit.
– Did she put a fiver in it? – Yeah.
The same fiver she’ll be getting back off me when it’s her birthday.
It’s a bloody swizz, this birthday lark.
– Eh, Dad, did you like them socks? – They were spot on, kid.
I didn’t know whether to get you them or a BMW.
No, I think you done right.
I mean, we’ll have a laugh and everything – (Doorbell) – That’ll be Dave.
Antony, get it.
– Kiss me arse.
– (Jim) Eh, aye-aye.
Dad, will you let Dave in for me? – Kiss my arse.
– (Doorbell) Antony, get the door.
(Sighs) I’m sick of her.
The sooner she goes, the better.
Oh, take no notice, love.
You’re always welcome back here if it doesn’t work out.
(Antony) It’s all right.
It’s only Dave.
– All right? – Hiya, Dave.
– You all right? – Yeah.
– You all right, love? – Yeah.
– Have you had your tea, Dave? – Mm.
What did you have? – Liver and onions.
I can’t be doing with liver.
– What’s up with you, face-ache? – I’ve got a really bad migraine.
– She’s doing that voice again.
– I’m not surprised.
You were paralytic last night.
– There you are.
I told you.
I told you.
– You were like that.
You had a right gob on you, ar all.
You don’t give t’landlord grief when you get a lock-in.
Denise! You’ve had me running round like a blue-arsed fly! You were exactly the same last week.
Where’d you get the shiner, Ant? – He’s been fighting.
– He came second, then, didn’t he? – Who was it? – He won’t tell.
– Probably a girl.
– It was a gang, actually.
What, the Spice Girls? – I don’t know why people fight.
– Yeah, it’s always men.
What about that time you smacked Beverly Macca? Yeah, well, she was asking for it.
Anyway, no more talk of fighting.
I’m gonna bring in Dad’s cake, so dim the lights.
– Turn t’telly off.
– No need for that.
– Denise, come and help me.
– Bloody hell.
How big’s this cake? I can’t do with all this palaver, me.
# Happy birthday to you # Come on.
(AIl) # Happy birthday to you # Happy birthday, dear Jim # Dad # Happy birthday to you # (Barbara) Whoo! # For he’s a jolly good fellow # – Hang on, Barb.
– (Denise) Go on, Dad, blow it out.
I will buggery.
There’s five minutes in that.
Save on the leccy.
Oh, all right.
(Cheering) Put the lights back on, Antony.
That’s enough celebration for one year.
– I love birthday cake.
– It’s only Victoria sponge.
You have to pay for proper birthday cake.
Barb, don’t take all the mystique out of me bloody birthday cake.
Denise, run and get that Pomagne out of the fridge.
Get my ciggies while you’re out there, love.
Shove a brush up me arse, I’ll sweep the floor.
Where does she get it from? Now, Dave, are you having a bit? – No, ta, Barbara.
– Oh, come on.
It’s Jim’s birthday.
Go on, then.
I’m just cutting you a small bit, Denise.
Here you are, birthday boy.
Ah, thanks, love.
We need some glasses.
(Jim) Oh, yeah, there we go.
Here we go.
The old Pomagne! They’re a bit dusty, aren’t they? Never mind.
Pomagne’ll wash it clean.
(Jim) There we go, me jolly old bifties.
(AII cheer) – Ooh! – (Laughs) (Barbara) Hey, Mary, you must have heard the pop of the Pomagne bottle.
It’ll be the best bloody birthday ever, this.
– Happy birthday, Jim.
– Thanks, Mary, love.
Ooh, look at that.
Giftwrapped as well.
Here’s a mug.
Irt it awful? I haven’t got enough glasses.
It’s only me.
She’d sup it out of a sweaty sock, wouldn’t you, Mary? You know me too well, don’t you, Jim? Mary, have some cake.
You don’t need a plate, do you? – Speech! – (Antony) Yeah, go on, Dad.
– Dad, come on.
– Come on, Jim.
I would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone here for attending today to this wonderful auspicious occasion, and a special thanks to my wife Barbara for going through the time and trouble to bring the cake home from the bakery.
I would also like to thank my little girl, my Denise, for forgetting all about her bloody hangover.
Them tablets have worked.
It was a migraine.
– Have you got a migraine? – Yeah.
I’d also like to thank my son Antony in advance for getting up off his big, fat arse and washing the pots.
(Cheering) – (Door slams) – (Joe) Hi.
Oh, and here’s the icing on the cake now.
(Barbara) Hiya, Joe.
(Mary) Joe, it’s Jim’s birthday.
Happy birthday, Jim.
You’ve missed a fabulous bloody speech.
Have I? Oh.
special introductory offers on certain lines, and a complimentary Oh, no cake left.
I’ll give you a KitKat, Joe.
Have to get Joe a lager.
Your Mary supped all the bloody Pomagne.
Where’s Cheryl? She’s missing all the fun.
It’s your birthday soon, isn’t it, Joe? Aye.
– Are you doing anything special? – Nah.
Something to look forward to, innit? Joe.
Antony, look at me.
Have you got a black eye? – He’s been fighting, Mary.
– Where’d you get that? – In the precinct.
– (Mary) Oh! Isn’t that terrible? Did Cheryl get that jacket out the catalogue yet? – Yes, she got it this morning.
– Cheryl’s doesn’t fit her.
She’s very upset.
Don’t say anything.
She thinks the sizes are wrong.
– She says they’re American sizes.
– (Both) Oh.
– How’s her diet going? – Oh! She was doing great all day yesterday.
And then she had a fish supper.
How’s your KitKat, Joe? Mm.
– How about your lager? – Yeah, it’s fine.
– Will you be celebrating in the Feathers? – Oh, aye, yeah.
It’ll be nonstop, kid.
You going for a jar, Joe? – What time will you be in? – All night.
– I’ve already looked behind the shelves – Ooh, let’s have a photo.
– I’ll get me camera.
– Oh! Come on, gather round Jim.
Antony, get in there, quick.
Bunch up close.
What are you doing? – Putting some lippy on.
– You don’t need lippy on.
Antony, stand sideways.
I don’t want to get that bruise in.
– It didn’t flash.
– Didrt it? Have you got it switched on? It’s gotta warm up a bit.
Give it here.
– No, no.
– Is there any bloody film in it? Oh, shut up, Jim.
(Cheering) I don’t think they’ll come out.
They didn’t come out last time.
– What’s on the front of that film? – Pauline’s baby’s christening.
He’s having his 21 st birthday next week.
What’s the sell-by date? Jim, he isn’t even one yet.
Let me take one of just the family.
Right, now – Everyone say cheese.
– (AIl) Cheese! – I can’t turn it on.
– Must be the end of the film, Mary.
I think I clicked twice on the last one.
– Is it a 24 or a 36? – I don’t know.
– Look at the bloody numbers! – I don’t know! It’s rewound.
– It’s a very nice camera, Barbara.
We got this from Argos.
We got it for, um – What did we get this for? – Taking bloody photographs.
– Ignore him.
– Well, better get back.
There’s a Ruth Rendell on.
(Denise) Mary, will you ask Cheryl to bring in the jacket for me? – I’m dying to see it.
– Right, love.
– Bye! – See you, then.
Mm! My new jacket.
How’s the job going, Dave? Had a job this morning, four flights of stairs for some shitty old wardrobe and a chest of drawers.
That’s what you get paid for, isn’t it? – But you want a bit of job satisfaction.
– Did you get a tip? She give us her bathroom cabinet.
I had to unscrew it off the wall.
We don’t want any shitey second-hand stuff.
I’m having everything new from IKEA, Dave.
In your dreams.
I can’t afford them sort of prices.
I bet you get loads of bloody tips.
I get the odd fiver.
It’s the rich ones that are the tight ones.
It’s the poor old dears that wanna drop you a couple of quid.
– What, and you take it? – Dead right.
I’ll give you a tip, Jim.
Always have a big top pocket.
Whenever your hands are full, they can drop it in there, the tip.
– Gotta be on the ball in this game.
– Hello, love.
(Denise) Cheryl, oh, cheers.
Me jacket! – Oh, I’ve been gagging for it.
– Happy birthday, Jim.
– Ta, love.
– What have you given me mam? She’s gone as giddy as a kipper.
– She’s had a mug of Pomagne.
– Oh, I love Pomagne.
There’s none left.
There’s a can of lager.
No, thanks, Barbara.
Me mam’s sponsoring me.
How much do you owe her? – Oh! – Here you are.
Just shift a sec.
Oh! It’s gorgeous! Mine didn’t fit me.
It’s the sizes.
They’re all to cock.
Well, that’s weird.
This is a 12 and it fits me.
The 12s are all right.
It’s the 14s.
I think I must have got a bad batch.
It’s absolutely lovely, that, love.
– Is it leather-Iook? – Get out! It’s real leather, that.
Ooh! God, I’m made up with it, I really am.
– What do you reckon, Dave? – How much was it? You’re as bad as me dad, you.
It was nothing.
– It was out of a catalogue.
– Still gotta pay for it, ‘avert you? Don’t go telling him, Cheryl.
It’s my business.
Hey, that’s, um That’s 200 and odd bloody pound, that.
– How much? – God, you’re taking all the fun out of it.
– (Jim) Where are you gonna get that? – Me.
When was the last time I had anything new? – Let me try it on.
I might get one.
Why? Have you come into some money as well? Ta.
Ooh, eh, it is soft.
– (Denise) Yeah.
– It’s all right, that jacket, Denise.
– What you after, being nice to me? – Shove it up your arse, then.
– Cut it out.
It’s your dad’s birthday.
– We don’t want arses everywhere.
– (Jim) Correct.
You see, the thing is, Fiona was the first biggie relationship Eh, Dave, give us that a sec.
Eh, Dad, right, if today is your birthday, it says here, “One of the luckiest years of your life for money and love.
” “Utilise your brain and brawn to go even further than anticipated.
” (Barbara) Ooh, Jim, that sounds good.
– What are you again, Cheryl? – Pisces.
“Sexy and desirable, that’s you today.
” “You radiate an aura which can only be described as delectable.
” (Jim) Spot on again.
– Cheryl knows I’m only joking.
I’ve never seen such an aura of delectability.
– What’s mine? – Yours? This week, as ever, you are ruled by Uranus.
Don’t be mean with money.
If someone you love gets a new leather jacket, don’t moan about the price.
Is that Russell Grant? He’s very good, irt he? – (Jim) He’s as camp as Christmas.
– So? What if he is? He’s one to be talking about Uranus, isn’t he? – I tell you who is gay.
– Who? – Antony.
– (Laughter) – Get real, Denise.
– Richard Gere’s gay.
– Go away.
– I’m telling you.
Common knowledge, that, down the Feathers.
That’s the Mecca of world show biz.
They’ve got a direct line to Hollywood, in the bar.
He’s married to Cindy Crawford.
– No, they split up over – What? Over Easter.
No, what did they split up over? Because he’s fruity.
And he’s now with Russell Grant, is he? That means Cindy Crawford’s on the loose now, doesn’t it? Cindy.
Eh, Dad, you’ve got more chance with Russell Grant.
I don’t care what anybody is.
I don’t care whether they’re gay, straight or Australian.
It’s what they’re like as a person that matters.
Aye aye, Babs, steady on there, will you? This is not Live Aid.
– It’s just me bloody birthday.
– Ooh, you’re a sarcastic bugger, Jim.
Ooh, anybody want a Polo? – (Denise) Yeah, I’ll have one.
– Give us one of them.
I love Polos, me.
– Dave? – No, ta, Barbara.
Jim, do you want a birthday Polo? Aye, give us two to make up for being old.
Right, who hasn’t got a Polo? Cheryl, you haven’t.
No, no, Barbara.
I’m on a diet.
There’s no calories in a Polo.
I mean, they’re only mint.
I suck ’em all day at work.
– The hours must just fly by.
– Go on, then.
– I’ll just have one, to be sociable.
– Dave, have one.
There’s only you not sucking.
(Jon) Some traditions should be upheld between men and women.
– You don’t mind? – Be my guest.
– You don’t think I’m chauvinistic? – I like it when you’re all masterly.
(Fred) What it is, people have got out of the habit of shopping here.
– Eh, are you listening? – (Ashley) Yeah.
(Leanne) What d’you wanna do? (Nick) Quiet night in? (Leanne) Like an old married couple.
(Nick) How many 17-year-olds do you know with their own house? (Jon) Something I’ve been thinking of doing for a while.
(Deirdre) What? Will you marry me? Antony, I can hear you crunching yours from here.
(# Coronation Street theme) Oh, did anybody see that programme last night about the Kennedy assassination? Ooh, that Jackie Kennedy, she had some lovely clothes.
– Hey, Dad.
– Yeah? Where were you when Kennedy was shot? Everyone’s supposed to remember.
Kennedy, dead? When? I don’t know where the bloody hell I was, but there’s a good chance our immersion heater was on.
I’m having a bath.
– Where were you, Barbara? – Oh.
It was before I met Jim.
I was in the flicks with Charlie Rogers.
– They interrupted the picture.
– What was it? – Well, Kennedy had been shot.
– No, what was the picture? It’d be difficult to see from the back row, wouldn’t it? You never liked Charlie.
He had a car.
– He never.
It was his dad’s.
– You didn’t have one.
– Why didn’t you marry him, then? – He had bushy eyebrows.
Oh, did he? Why didn’t God give me bushy eyebrows? I wish you had married that Charlie bloke.
He’d have let us have the immersion on.
Every time you have a bath, it costs me £5.
– Your brother costs me nothing.
– Who, BO Bill? – Smelly arse.
– (Barbara) Now, I’ve just told you.
It’s your dad’s birthday.
Too many arses in this house.
Actually, I don’t even think I’ll have time for a bath now if we’re going down the Feathers.
What did you put the immersion heater on for? Antony, you get a bath.
Go on, get up there, smelly arse.
Why? It’s not his birthday.
– What time are we going? – As soon as you’re ready.
– I’ll nip home and make myself beautiful.
– Just coming for last orders, then? Dad, why do you always have to be so tight to Cheryl? She knows I’m only having a bloody joke.
She’s dead conscious about her looks.
She thinks she looks a bit plump.
She doesn’t, does she? I’ve never noticed.
She’s got an arse on her like O’Reilly’s bull.
Stay with us now for Traveller’s Cheque.
Antony, come on.
– (Dave) Did you watch the boxing? – He got bloody murdered.
Kept getting back up, the silly arse.
Should’ve stayed down.
He’d have still got the money for it.
If I was in the ring with that big ugly pig, I’d have took a dive.
– So would I, no messing.
– What? You wouldn’t last two minutes, the Milkybar Kid.
You should have seen me with the Beswick brothers.
The Beswick brothers! (Laughter) One’s 12, the other’s 14.
Where was it, in the sandpit? One’s 15 and the other’s 14 and a half.
One can’t be 15 and the other – That doesn’t even add up.
– Is that the gang, then? They’re hardly the Kray twins.
Did they hit you with their rattle? They’re hard, them two, when they’re together.
Wait till they’re on their own and give ’em a bloody good hiding.
– They’re never on their own.
– They don’t shit out one arsehole.
(Barbara) Oh, arse again.
I didn’t tell you, did I? Ta.
– When I went to get your dad’s jumper – Mm? Guess who’s working in Marks.
Who? – Sheila Cowells.
– Sheila? She’s divorced now, you know.
She’s lost four stone, had her roots done and her ears pierced twice.
– She looks gorgeous.
Wow! Who’s this delectable young lady with an aura? Can it be? No, it can’t.
It can! It is! It’s Cheryl from next door! Leave her, Dad.
Cheryl, you look absolutely gorgeous.
I love the way you’ve done your eyes.
What have you used? – It’s Boots own, No7.
– What’s on the other eye? – (Jim chuckles) Are we going out? Thirsty work, this bloody birthday lark.
Dad! I’ve not even got any lippy on.
Can I sleep here on t’sofa? I don’t wanna drive bladdered.
Course you can, love.
I’m gonna take up driving.
You’ll have to get me a runaround.
They want to keep death off the road.
It can’t be that hard.
– I’m having a motorbike, me.
– They’re deathtraps, them.
Oh, Mam, don’t be tight.
Let him have one.
Dad, can you lend me a fiver to get you a drink? I haven’t got any money.
Ask your mother.
What about the fiver Nana gave you? I budgeted for that.
If you were any sharper, you’d cut your bloody self.
I’ll get the first round in for my family, one and all, to celebrate my birthday! (Cheering) – Am I included in that round? – What you drinking? Bacardi and Diet Coke, please.
– Well, you’re not strictly family.
Course you are, aura and all.
– Dad, can I come? – I don’t think so, love.
Let him come.
He can sit in the corner.
Ted won’t mind.
If there’s any trouble, our Antony can steam in and give it good style.
I’m not having shandy.
I’m having lager.
– Cheryl, got me jacket on.
– It really suits you, Denise.
Fascinating as it is, girls, you forgot about the birthday boy and the copious amount of ale he’s gonna put away in his big belly.
– Get your coat on, Barb.
– You taking me? No, I’m gonna turn the fire off.
Of course I’m taking you.
I wouldn’t leave you here on me birthday.
Better bring your purse.
# So what do you say? # You can’t give me the dreams that are mine anyway # Half the world away # Half the world away # Half the world away # I’ve been lost, I’ve been found but I don’t feel down # No, I don’t feel down # No, I don’t feel down #