- I lived with a guy who had OCD and I used to put Rice Krispies in his slippers before I went out. He went mental, but not before he counted them all.
- So my mum bought a jacuzzi, and I was in there along with my father and my sister, when my mother decided it would be the ideal moment to say – ‘Guess what everyone in this jacuzzi has in common? You’ve all sucked on my tits.’
- I may be dyslexic but that doesn’t mean I don’t vole you.
- Have you ever thought about letting Cheesus into your Life?
- Computer games don’t affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we’d all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music…
- You’ve sent in your emails and we’ve been reading them, and my, my, you are a bunch of racist bigots.
- There was a bloke there burning and selling small effigies of him to the fans….but then I realised that he had a baked potato stall!
- The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.
- Kids did really well in their A levels, how do we respond? ‘A Levels are getting easier, in my day you had to do fifty questions in a minute, if you got one wrong, they killed your dad!
- From the makers of Alien vs. Predator: Alien vs. Pingu. K9 – stop humping the toaster!
- I’d love the ability to give someone an orgasm just by touching them.
- Some people in England only have their wheelie bins collected once a fortnight. Their suffering is unimaginable.
- North Korea are testing nuclear weapons. Why? Don’t worry Korea! Nobody wants to get you. That’s like Ann Widdecombe buying a rape alarm.
- What’s the opposite of opposite? Consider yourself bamboozled!
- ‘Come back here, I’m a police officer!’ and I shouted back ‘No you’re not! You’re a monster!’
Russell Joseph Howard is an English comedian and presenter best known for his TV show Russell Howard’s Good News and his appearances on the topical panel TV show Mock The Week.
Russell Howard Jokes Quotes