- If we are all God’s children, what’s so special about Jesus?
- When I was a kid, I used to have an imaginary friend. I thought he went everywhere with me. I could talk to him and he could hear me, and he could grant me wishes and stuff too. But then I grew up, and stopped going to church.
- Throwing acid is wrong, in some people’s eyes.
- Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, “Yes, who did you think it was?”
- I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it
- I worry about my nan. If she’s alone and falls, does she make a noise? I’m joking, she’s dead.
- I did a gig in the US once for the homeless. I said “It’s nice to see so many bums on seats”.
- People with Tourettes…..What makes them tick?
- In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I’m wrong, but that’s a pizza.
- There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me “oh don’t worry, it happens to a lot of guys”. Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it’s happening to more than one of us, don’t you think it could be YOUR fault?
- My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called ‘Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking’. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian…
- I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn’t eat before you swim. She said, “why not”? I said, you look fat.
- A big girl once came up to me after a show and said “I think you’re fatist.” I said “No, no. I think you’re fattest.”
- Text your mum “Am safe, don’t worry” then turn your phone off for an hour.
- My girlfriend bought a cookbook the other day called “Cheap and Easy Vegetarian Cooking”. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian…
- I worry about my grandmother. If she’s in the house alone and she falls, does she make a sound?
- Boxers don’t have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don’t fancy each other.
- David Cameron says he’ll put a cap on immigrants coming into the UK. That’s wrong. Immigrants should be allowed to wear what they like.
- When someone close to you dies, move seats.
James Anthony Patrick “Jimmy” Carr is an English stand-up comedian, television host and actor, known for his deadpan delivery, dark humour, and use of edgy one-liners. He is also a writer, actor and presenter of radio and television.
Jimmy Carr Jokes
