- TV detector man: Where’s your toilet?
Neil: Oh, upstairs. Just follow your nose.
- Rick: I notice you haven’t written the call down in the book, Mike. That’s very interesting, isn’t it? I mean, we’ve got this book here to write down all the calls we make in. I suppose you forgot, did you? Well, I wonder how many other times you conveniently forgot?
Mike: Rick, what are you talking about? This is a pay phone.
- Mike: What’s two foot long with a big round head?
Helen: Don’t know.
Mike: No, nor do I, but I keep finding it in my cornflakes…
- Neil: Oh yeah, that’s a good idea isn’t it? Yeah – let’s all bring Neil down. That’ll relieve the boredom.
Vyvyan: Will it? OK – er, shut up Neil you ugly poo-faced git!
- Fisher: Next Tuesday, right, I’m going to blow up a panda in Croydon.
Rick: Yeah, right on. Bloody zoos, who needs them?
- Does anybody know where the toilets are?
- Rik: Okay Vivyan, I AM a virgin
ViVyan (with a Howitzer) Not for long matey
- Vyvian: “Mike”
Mike: “Careful Vyv, don’t broadcast the handle”
Vyvian: “Err……Andrea ?”
Mike: “Yes, Viv ?”
- Aahhh the old trick ehh, eat the tele before I get a chance to nick you
- Oh, well, there’s gratitude for you! It’s me who’s going to have snotty undies for the next two terms, Neil. It’s me they’re going to be calling “Bogey Bum”. Especially at the next Friends of Stalin Society “Show Your Bottom” competition.
- (vivian gives him 1 hell of a wack in the goolies with a cricket bat)…… HA HA HA MISSED BOTH MY LEGS!
- Cornflakes for breakfast? That’s disgusting, Neil!
- Bastard’s the name! But you can call me “Right-Bleeding,” all my friends do!”
- Rik: I AM NOT GETTING AGRESSIVE
Neil: I think you are Rik
- We quibble over terms! Suffice it to say that that vacuum is one hell of a sucker.. and i don’t mean its easily fooled!
- Vegatable Rights and peace
- Rik: Vyvyan? Ah, there you are Vyvyan. D’you think I could have a word with you?
Rik: It’s just a … just a little piece of information really. Er, why did you throw the toilet out of the window?
Vyvyan: To lower the rent.
Rik: Oh yes, of course, of course. Stupid of me. Er, just one other thing … what are you talking about?
Vyvyan: Well now we can go to the rent tribunal. You don’t have to pay as much for a house with an outside lavvy.
Rick: Really. Really. Well I don’t believe you. I think you did it on purpose because you know I’ve got a runny bottom.
- Rick: Gotcha Vyvyan! Using my ketchup on your cornflakes.
Vyvyan: I couldn’t get any milk out of the fridge.
Rick: Why, what are you, a spazzy?
Vyvyan: No, there just happens to be an atom bomb in front of the door.
Rick: That’s the most pathetic excuse I’ve ever (*Sees bomb*)… Wood and Walters!
Mike: That’s an atom bomb!
Neil (resignedly): Oh no, it’s the holocaust.
Rick: World war three! Heavy! What are we gonna do? Mike!
Vyvyan (looking at watch): Hey, hey! Turn on the telly.
Mike: Good thinking, Vyv. We need information.
Vyvyan: No, I wanted to watch Afternoon Plus
- Rick: “Neil, is it really necessary to have the light on when you’re in the bath?”
Neil: “Well, yeah.”
Rick: “Why, what are you planning to do… photosynthesise?”
- Rick: “We never clean the toilet, Neil! That’s what being a student is all about!”
- Neil: “It’s like the kettle killed itself rather than be used by me…”
- Vyv: “You haven’t got a sister, Rick! You’re the classic example of an only child.”
- Rick: “Oh, that’s right, Vyvyan. If the mountain won’t come to Muhammad, smash the drawing room to pieces. That’s very Buddhist, isn’t it!”
- Mike: “What’s that thumping?”
Vyv: “Oh, it’s probably Rick doing a bit of reading.”
- Vyv: IM COMPLETLY BLOODY SICK OF THIS!
- Vyv: “Vyvyan, Vyvyan, Vyvyan! Honestly, everytime someything explodes in this house its always “Blame Vyvyan!”!”
Mike: Well who do you suggest we blame?!
Vyv: No, blame whoever rang the front door bell! They obviously triggered the bomb I set up.
- Vyv: We had a front door in the last house!
Rick: Yes but it was nailed to the celing in the living room!
Mike: Rick, it had to be done!
Vyv: Yeah, I had to! I was drunk!
- Rick: Oh cock-a-doodle-doo neil, what ARE you talking about!
- Rick: Well I think its totally irresponsable! Fancy ringing the doorbell at this time!
- Neil: Oh no, I forgot to put out the burning philosophy file on Ricks bed!
- Vyv: YES! WE’VE GOT A VIDEO!
- Neil: I’ll just die if I miss Scooby Doo!
- Mike: have you been angering the neighbours?
Neil: No, Ive blown them up!
- Rick: I AM NOT A VIRGIN!
The Young Ones Quotes