Buy The Vicar of Dibley – The Ultimate Collection [DVD]


  • I am not a lunatic. I have the psychiatric report to prove it. A slender majority of the panel decided in my favour.
  • Simon: Why don’t we just say that that was the autumn that was and let’s just see what winter brings.Reverend Geraldine Granger: Yeah. Either that or “get out of my house you treacherous gigantic elongated bastard”. Ah, but no. Probably the autumny-wintry metaphor is much nicer. Much nicer for you.
  • I’ve got a memory like an elephant… that’s lost its memory.
  • Letitia Cropley: Care to try one, Mr. Chairman?David Horton: No thank you. I’d sooner eat my own scrotum, Mrs. Cropley.
  • “You can’t have too many gherkins at a wedding.”
  • “What can I do for you this merry day?”
  • “You’re a very tender man, aren’t you, Owen?”
  • “Who wants to hear Little Miss Looney and her tuneless tots kill some carols?”
  • “I would rather eat my own scrotum.”
  • “They make John Inman look like Jean-Claude Van Damme.”
  • “I’m afraid that Hugo might be. . .you know. . .J-O-H-N I-N-M-A-N.”
  • “Any change, or is the show’s climax still Owen and his amazing farting duck?”
  • “She’s the most useless thing on the planet with the possible exception of the Pope’s testicle department”
  • “The other day she wanted to know why Parliament needed a Foreign Secretary when so many English girls could take shorthand”
  • “I have got a lot of heart in me, as any of my cows could tell you — if they could talk, which they can’t, which is a shame in one way, and a bloody relief in others, cos what would they say?”
  • “I haven’t heard such a racket since I caught a cow in a shredder.”
  • “He’s as doomed as a virgin on a date with Rod Stewart.”
  • “Anything to put off scraping cow dung off the stable walls.”
  • “Sorry I’m late. Sheep exploded.”
  • “Can we move on? I’ve got a worrying feeling in my colon.”
  • “Some of us have arms that are urgently needed up a certain sheep’s backside.”
  • “Bollocks: now that’s swearing. And arse. But bloody’s just bloody. It’s a useful adjective with Biblical overtones.”
  • “I like the Times. Ir’s not too rough on the buttocks.”
  • “I reckon if you treat Alice like I treat my prize cow, you can’t go too wrong. Except for making her eat grass and getting her mounted by a bull, like my father did — and he got arrested.”
  • “Well, I might be able to talk the duck into a return performance.”
  • “Fancy Moses looking like a llama! No wonder everybody took such notice of him!”
  • “I’ve got a memory like an elephant. . .that’s lost its memory.”
  • “The radish jam was a particular success.”
  • “You know, the Vicar really ought to do something about your language. . .but that is a big bugger, isn’t it.”
  • “You’re a lovely girl Vicar-chunky, but lovely”
  • “When it’s cold and stormy, and you’re feeling a little sick/ Cuddle up nice and warmy, and play with your little dick.”
  • David! Let joy be unconfined. But I am NOT playing scrabble.
  • [as yet another person dressed as an Easter Bunny appears in the High Street]Owen Newitt: Oh, great! Any more and we’ll be able to do a production of bloody Watership Down!
  • I am a great supporter of sex before marriage. Otherwise I wouldn’t have had sex at all.
  • This is my magazine collection: Brides, Beautiful Brides, Best Bride Guide, Bride and Joy, Bridalicious, Busty Brides, Bridle Paths in Oxfordshire…na, that’s no good…Brides Hair, Brides Hair Revisited, and this is Martha Stewart’s Weddings for people getting married in jail. We don’t really need that one.
  • “Well, here’s to love and marriage, which go together like a horse and carriage, according to Cole Porter, who should know, cos he was gay.”
  • “I’ll also look up, and don’t take this personally, ‘Lips go unattractively thin when angry.'”
  • “Come in if you’re sexy and you love Jesus!”
  • “Have you ever met John Inman? David is a huge fan of his!”
  • “Well, they didn’t have horns and tails, so we didn’t know that they were from the tabloids.”
  • “Hugo, have you been taking those aspirins with the ‘e’ written on top?”
  • “Do you have any idea why they chose us two? I mean, could it be because we’re both so incredibly good looking? HA HA!! Ahem. Anyway. . .”
  • “It’s very, very beard-like.”
  • “No, no, no, no — or, if I’m honest, yes.”
  • “It’s the same story, isn’t it. He’s taken, I’m Git Woman.”
  • “I was just, you know, licking the mirror. You know, the way you do.”
  • “I don’t care what the Bible says about girls kissing girls; I’d snog her any day.”
  • “Ooh, it’s cold out there. You really ought to bring your horse in, David. Looks like he’s got a big old stalactite hanging down between his legs!”
  • “I’m Hugo. Call me. . .Hugo.”
  • “It’s got to be Kylie, but the question is, which one?”
  • “It’s probably the worst idea since Hitler’s dad said to Hitler’s mum ‘come up stairs Brunhilda-I’m feeling saucy tonight!'”
  • “Sex and drugs and rock ‘n’ swiss rolls!”
  • “No no no no parking is allowed on the upper field.”
  • “No no no no refreshments will be served in the refreshment tents.”
  • “I never thought they were people, I thought they were sheep: Jesus and the feeding of the 5000 sheep.”
  • “I’VE got a video. . .but it doesn’t work.”
  • “You get some music and I’ll take all my clothes off.”
  • “Is Sex with poodles always wrong?”
  • “No, no, knowing me-no, no, knowing you…..uh huh.”
  • “You can call me Alice, cos that’s my name.”
  • “I’m all ears. . .well, not all ears. I’m face and tummy and legs and lots of other bits, including some rather private bits I only let a doctor see. . .except he wasn’t a doctor, and later he got arrested.”
  • “I remember the first time my budgie Carrot died. He came back to life, you know. A bit like Jesus, but with feathers.”
  • “Man and woman get to inn, inn’s full, woman has baby in manger, angels sing on high, blah blah blah.”
  • “I’m so excited I could just burst like a great big blister when you pop it with a pin!”
  • “Well, I can’t believe I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter and the stuff I can’t believe is not I Can’t Believe It’s Not
  • Butter are not butter, and I believe that they both just might in fact be butter, but in cunning disguises, and in fact there’s a lot more butter out there than we believe.”
  • “Art’s my forte.”
  • “I know a lot about tropical fish as well.”
  • “Oh, Brillo pads!”
  • “When he kisses me I get all goosepimply like a great pimply goose!”
  • “Wouldn’t it be lovely if some kittens were born with pink fur and you didn’t actually have to paint them yourself?”
  • “Did I ever tell you about the time the pub completely ran out of crisps?”
  • “We promise you a delicious repast, and a potentially thrilling game of charades!”
  • Letitia: Things have to change.
    Jim: Look at traffic lights.
  • Kids: While shepherds watched their flocks by night all sitting on a bank/ An angel who was bored came down and taught them how to
    Gerry: Merry Christmas, everybody!
  • Kid: When’s Elton coming out?
    Gerry: He came out years ago!
  • “I’ve never been asked to open more than a window before.” (Reg Dwight)
  • Gerry: What’s so special about Jesus?
    Kid: His name’s a swear word!
  • Cyril: He’s like a young Pavorotti.
    Gerry: But thinner.
    Owen: And I’ve got more sheep.
  • “I’m very big in the G.O.N.A.D.S.” (guy auditioning for choir)
  • Hugo: Just like the Spice Girls, Jesus wants us to tell Him what we want!
    Gerry: What we really, really want!
  • Gerry: What’s the capital of France?
    Alice: “F!”

The Vicar Of Dibley quotes