Comedy Quotes » The Royle Family Quotes

The Royle Family Quotes

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  • Denise Royle: Dad, stop fiddling with yourself.
    Jim Royle: I’m not fiddling with meself, I paid a quid for these underpants and I’ve got about 50 pence worth stuck up me arse.
    Barbara Royle: She’s right. If you’re not picking you’re arse, you’re pecking you’re teeth.
    Jim Royle: I’ll pick what I want in me own house and when she gets her own house she can pick what she likes – her nose, her arse, her teeth. Just go and treat yourself.
    Barbara Royle: Oh, I’m ashamed of this family, I am really.
  • Denise Royle: You’re tight as a crab’s arse, you, Dad.
    Jim Royle: Crab’s arse, my arse, it’s two pound fifty phoning next door!
  • Anne Robinson, my arse! Watchdog? I am watching a bloody dog!
  • [On hearing that Denise is pregnant]
    Jim Royle: At least you can do something bloody properly!
  • [it’s Christmas day and Emma and her parents have been invited to the house – Jim is telling Roger about his career prospects]
    Jim Royle: I’ve joined the dance
    Roger Kavanagh: What dance is that, Jim?
    Jim Royle: The REDUNdance
  • Barbara Royle: [about her mother on the phone] It’s shocking, really, you know – she’s 82.
    Jim Royle: Why what’s happened?
    Barbara Royle: Well, she went down the precinct and she had this voucher – and it was one day out of date and the miserable sod of a manager wouldn’t let her have the money off!
    Jim Royle: How much was it worth?
    Barbara Royle: 20p.
    Jim Royle: 20p? It’ll cost her more than that to ring every bugger she knows to tell!
  • Barbara Royle: Antony, take that chicken out to the bins, will you, love? That chicken will start to stink if we leave it out.
    Antony Royle: Mam, I’ve just sat down
    [points at Jim]
    Antony Royle: what about lazy-arse here!
    Barbara Royle: ‘Ey! There’s to much swearing in this house
    [turns to Jim]
    Barbara Royle: that’s you that is Jim, you’ve taught him that!
    Jim Royle: Taught him my arse!
  • Denise Royle: Shall we go down The Feathers for the last hour?
    Dave Best: No, I’m knackered.
    Denise Royle: Ok. I’m not bothered anyway – we can always stay in and watch the telly.
    Dave Best: Is there ‘owt on?
    Denise Royle: No.
    Dave Best: Well, we may as well go down the feathers then.
    Denise Royle: You were too knackered to go a minute ago!
    Barbara Royle: Oh, let him go for a drink if that’s what he wants!
    Denise Royle: I just asked him! He said he was too knackered to go!
    Dave Best: Do you wanna’ go or what?
    Denise Royle: I wanted to go in the first place. I’m not going now anyway – you’ve annoyed me.
  • Barbara Royle: [talking to Denise who obviously isn’t listening] Oh – you know that Donna who works with me. Well, she only works half days – afternoons. And her Mam usually picks the kids up for her; anyway – her Mam’s going into hospital and she won’t be able to pick the kids up for her. So, Donna, wants to swap to mornings’, so – she has to see Pauline. So, she goes and sees Pauline and she says “Can I swap to mornings?” and she tells her, you know, about her Mam going to hospital and all that. And Pauline’s not having any of it – she’s got herself in a right pickle. What’s she going to do?
    Denise Royle: What are you on about?
    Barbara Royle: Donna!
    Jim Royle: What’s the matter with her?
    Barbara Royle: Well, her Mam you see normally picks the kids up for her in the afternoons’ after school – but she’s going into hospital so she won’t be able to. So Donna wanted to swap – Pauline won’t let her. So she’s stuck with someone to pick the kids’ up for her, ain’t she.
    Jim Royle: Well, what’s that got to do with you? I mean it’s not your bloody problem is it?
    Barbara Royle: I’m just telling you!
    Jim Royle: Well, don’t you think I’ve got enough to worry about myself?
    Barbara Royle: [sighs] You’ve no interest in anyone but yourself, Jim.
  • I never drink me, just a sherry at Christmas, whiskey at new year and a bottle of stout.
  • Mary Carroll: Look at Anthony’s hair. He looks like a little choir boy.
    Jim Royle: He looks like a little gay boy.
  • Jim Royle: Woah-ho, if you lot take my advice, you won’t go near that lavatory for at least half an hour and whatever you do don’t strike a bloody match.
    Denise Royle: Dad, we’ve got company.
    Jim Royle: Well, it’s only Dave, he’s as bloody bad.
    Denise Royle: Why do you have to announce it every time you go to the toilet.
    Jim Royle: I’m only making polite conversation, what’s the do with her?
    Denise Royle: Well, we could do without it, thanks all the same.
    Jim Royle: [to Barbara] And what do you keep buying that bloody cheap toilet paper for? It’s cutting my arse to ribbons.
    Denise Royle: Mam, tell him, he’s doing it on purpose now.
    Barbara Royle: When I was buying the dear stuff you complained.
    Jim Royle: [taken aback] I didn’t.
    Barbara Royle: You did, said you ‘may as well wipe your arse on pound notes.
    Jim Royle: [Jim starts to laugh hysterically] Oh, yeah, I did, yeah, I did, yeah.
  • Barbara Royle: [in a discussion of homosexuals] Well, I don’t care what anybody is – I don’t care whether they’re gay, straight or Australian. It’s what they’re like as a person that matters.
    Jim Royle: Aye, aye Barb’, steady on there, will ya? This ain’t Live Aid you know, its just my bloody birthday.
    Barbara Royle: Oh, you’re a sarcastic bugger you are Jim!
  • Norma Speakman: May God forgive you Jim Royle for talking ill of the dead like that.
    Jim Royle: I wasn’t speaking ill of the dead, I was speaking about you, the living bloody dead!
  • Jim Royle: Get your coat on, Barb.
    Barbara Royle: Are you taking me with you?
    Jim Royle: No, I’m gonna turn the fire off… of course I’m taking you. I wouldn’t leave you here on me birthday, would I? Better bring your purse.
    Barbara Royle: [quietly] Ugh.
  • Denise Royle: [talking about Dave and Beverly Macca] Every time when I come out of the toilet she was round him, right, like flies, right, round shit.
    [to Dave]
    Denise Royle: And you’re the shit, and she? she’s not even the fly because she’s to fat to be the fly and she’s the shit and that’s what they are, they’re two shovels of shit.
    Barbara Royle: You don’t have to bring shit into it, love.
  • Denise Royle: [to Dave] Every time you do a gig round here, that cow is there!
    Jim Royle: What’s going on now?
    Barbara Royle: Oh, they’re arguing about Beverly Macca.
    Jim Royle: She’s all right ? Beverly. She’s a tasty little piece.
  • I’m only not smoking in front of Baby David until he’s old enough to get up and walk out of the room, then it’s his choice.
  • Anthony, if that’s the invisible man, tell him I can’t see him.
  • Barbara Royle: Get the door, will ya, Anthony?
    Antony Royle: I have to do everything around here!
    Jim Royle: It’s probably Snow White looking for you, Grumpy!
  • Jim Royle: I’m gonna go and have a chat with the Arabs.
    Cheryl Carroll: What d’ya mean Jim?
    Jim Royle: Mustapha Crap.
  • Antony Royle: Who’s stunk that toilet out?
    Barbara Royle: Who d’ya think.
    Jim Royle: Well that’s what its for isn’t it, where d’you expect me to shit? You’d soon have something to worry about if I crapped in the kitchen.
  • Barbara Royle: Is there ‘owt on, Jim?
    Jim Royle: No
    Barbara Royle: ‘Ey Jim, Jim, d’ya fancy an early night?
    Jim Royle: There must be bloody something on, mustn’t there!
  • Denise Royle: Dad! Your flies are undone!
    Jim Royle: Ah, the cage might be open, but the beast is asleep.
    Barbara Royle: Beast my arse!
  • [on Christmas Day] This is one day of the year we all get together to watch the bloody television, and look at this shite they put on!
  • Cheryl Carroll: [talking about Anthony] Has he got a girlfriend yet?
    Denise Royle: Yeah… His hand
  • [yelling at Dave after going into labour with him not there] Trust you not to be here when me waters broke! You right useless lump of shite!
  • Mary Carroll: Michelle, I think I have one of your children in my class.
    Michelle: Are you a teacher Mary?
    Mary Carroll: Yes.
    Barbara Royle: No you’re not a teacher, you’re a dinnerlady!
    Mary Carroll: Oh yes.
  • Jim Royle: Your bloody Nana’s bloody more interested in bloody Coronation bloody Street than the baby!
    Barbara Royle: Jim, how many bloodies is that?
  • Barbara Royle: [about Norma] To be honest, I think she might have to stay another week.
    Jim Royle: Another bloody week? Over my dead body!
    Barbara Royle: Jim, she thinks the world of you.
    Jim Royle: Thinks the bloody world of me? You’d think when she had a family sized bag of bloody Revels, did she offer me one? Did she shite! She sat on her big fat arse and commented on every single one that she put into her big fat gob!
    Jim Royle: [imitating Norma eating the Revels] Oo, coconut. OH oo orange! Oh Malt bloody Teasers!
    Barbara Royle: Oh? Is that it, then? We can’t look after my own mother because she wouldn’t share a bag of Revels? Grow up Jim!
    Jim Royle: Me grow up! She makes me un bloody plug everything before we go to bed! And she’s got the blanket on all night!
    Barbara Royle: If it had been your mum and dad, God rest their souls, I’d have done anything for them!
    Jim Royle: She should be in her bloody home!
    Barbara Royle: Well she is in a home! She’s in our home and that’s where she’s staying, with her family that loves her!
    Jim Royle: [imitates Norma again] Oo caramel, I think. Oh no, it’s not caramel, I think it’s er – oh it’s coffee I think it’s coffee! Greedy old cow!
  • Jim: “I paid a quid for these underpants, I got 50 pence worth stuck up me arse!
  • Denise:” Your as tight as a crabs arse you dad.”
  • Jim: “Antony which room are you in lad? This room or that room?”Antony: “This one”Jim: “Then whats the light on in that room for?”
  • Denise: “Wow Cheryl that’d look good on you”Antony: “What is it a tent?”
  • Cheryl (on Antony): “Has he got a girlfriend yet?”Denise: “Yeah, his hand “
  • Jim: “Whats the matter with you Denise? You got a face like a smacked arse.”
  • Dave: “Where did you get the shiner Ant?”Denise: “He’s been fighting”Dave: “He obviously came second didn’t he. Who was it?”

    Denise: “He won’t tell”

    Dave: “It was probably a girl”

    Antony: “It was a gang actually!”

    Dave: “What? The Spice Girls?”

  • Denise: “Can we not talk about nana dying?”Jim: “Yeah have some respect, wait till she’s out the door.”
  • Antony (on Beverly Macca): ” I saw one of her kids. Starting to look a lot like you now Dave.”
  • Denise (on Dave and Beverly Macca while drunk): And he’s the shit, and she’s not even the fly cause she’s too fat to be the fly, and she’s the shit and thats what they are the two shovels of shit. And that’s it.”Barbara: “Try not to bring shit into it love.”
  • Nana: “Cheryl, that looks right tight on you that dress.”Cheryl: “Thats the style of the dress.”
  • Jim (while he has the runs): “When they pass that collection box it won’t be money I’ll be putting into it.”
  • Denise: “Dad! Your fly’s open!”Jim: “Ah, the cage is open but the beast is still asleep.”Barbara: “Beast my arse.”
  • Barbara (on Jim): “I could swing your father one day.”
  • Jim: “Who wants to be a millionare? I bloody don’t cause I’m already a millionare. Rich on love in the family.”
  • Nana (on the millenium): “I would hate to miss it.”Jim: “Why what was the last one like Norma?”
  • Barbara: “You know who Jim reminds me of from the Simpsons? Homo.”Jim: “It’s not Homo, it’s bloody Homer.”
  • Don’t be so crude Jim!

The Royle Family Quotes