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The Office Quotes

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  • Carpet Munchers’ don’t get a point, ‘Dr Wankenstein’ doesn’t get a point, ‘Stephen Hawking’s Football Boots’ don’t get a point.
  • Condoms come in all different flavours nowadays. There’s strawberry and curry and that. Do you like curry?
  • I can read women. You’ve got to know their wants and their needs. And that can be anything from making sure she’s got enough money to buy groceries each week to making sure she’s gratified sexually after intercourse.
  • Gareth: You’re so immature.Tim: [Making a phone call] Oh Gareth, If there is one thing that I am not, it is immature.Gareth: You are an immature little tosser.[Gareth’s Mobile rings he answers it]Gareth: Gareth Keenan.Tim: [Childishly into his phone] Cock. [Gareth slams his mobile down]
  • People see me, and they see the suit, and they go: “you’re not fooling anyone”, they know I’m rock and roll through and through. But you know that old thing, live fast, die young? Not my way. Live fast, sure, live too bloody fast sometimes, but die young? Die old. That’s the way- not orthodox, I don’t live by “the rules” you know. And if there’s one other person who’s influenced me in that way I think, someone who is a maverick, someone who does that to the system, then, it’s Ian Botham. Because Beefy will happily say “that’s what I think of your selection policy, yes I’ve hit the odd copper, yes I’ve enjoyed the old dooby, but will you piss off and leave me alone, I’m walking to John O’Groats for some spastics.”
  • Trust, encouragement, reward, loyalty… satisfaction. That’s what I’m… you know. Trust people and they’ll be true to you. Treat them greatly, and they will show themselves to be great.
  • A real relationship isn’t like a fairy tale, if you think that for the next forty years, every time you see each other you’re going to glow, or, every time you hold hands there’s going to be electricity, then, you’re kidding yourself really. What about reliability, or er, someone paying the mortgage, or someone who’s never been out of work. Those are the more important, practical things, you know. In reality.
  • Don’t assume. It makes an “ass” out of “u” and “me”.
  • I don’t let anyone talk to me the way you just did – not my staff, not my boss, no one – certainly not you.
  • I’m not homophobic, all right? Come around, look at my C.D collection. You’ll find Queen, George Michael, Pet Shop Boys. They’re all bummers.
  • You just have to accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.
  • [repeated line] David Brent: So that’s…

The Office is a British sitcom television series that was first broadcast in the United Kingdom on BBC Two on 9 July 2001.

The Office quotes