- Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.
- I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.
- I met this gangster who pulls up people’s pants. Name’s Wedgie Kray.
- Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
- I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
- “You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.”
- When I left home, my mum said “Don’t forget to write”, I thought, “That’s unlikely”… It’s a basic skill isn’t it…
- So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said ‘It depends where you’re calling from.’
- I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet ‘Best Before End…’
- So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said “Analogue.” I said “No, just a watch.”
- So I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”
Timothy Mark Vine is an English writer, actor, comedian and presenter known for his role on the BBC series Not Going Out until his departure in 2012. He has released a number of DVDs of his stand-up comedy and has written several joke books.
Tim Vine Quotes