- There are only two rules in this prison: 1 – do not write on the walls. 2 – You obey all the rules.
- Fletch: One can’t help noticing a change in your old lady’s attitude of late.
Barrowclough: How can you tell that?
Fletch: Oh, little things, like the certain smile that plays around your lips when you’re telling us to slop out.
Barrowclough: What sort of smile?
Fletch: The smile of a man who’s getting his oats!
- [during a riot, the governor is taking some strong medication]
Mrs Heskith: You’re only supposed to take two before retiring.
Governor Venables: If we don’t put a stop to this riot soon, that could be tomorrow!
- Fletch: I haven’t been so put out since my son Raymond crept back into school one night and had a prior peek at the exam papers.
Godber: Did he?
Fletch: Yes he did! And he still didn’t bleedin’ pass!
- Fletch: Advice to the lovelorn, you want, is it, Warren? Compose an appropriate reply?
Warren: No, it’s simpler than that, Fletch. I just want you to read it to me.
- Mr Beal: What you in for?
Fletcher: Got caught.
- Do you see yon screw with his looks so vain, with his brand new key on his brand new chain, with a face like a ferret and a pea for a brain, with his hand on his whistle in the morning?
- Ours is not to reason why, ours is but to clean the sty – Wordsworth.
- Mr Beal: I was married. Divorced now.
Mr Barrowclough: Well, look at it this way, ’tis better to have loved and lost than…to spend your whole ruddy life with her.
Porridge is a British situation comedy broadcast on BBC1 from 1974 to 1977, running for three series, two Christmas specials and a feature film also titled Porridge. Written by Dick Clement and Ian La Frenais, it stars Ronnie Barker and Richard Beckinsale as two inmates at the fictional HMP Slade in Cumberland. “Doing porridge” is British slang for serving a prison sentence, porridge once being the traditional breakfast in UK prisons.