Comedy Quotes » One Liners

One Liners

  • I want to donate a large amount of money to a rape clinic and I won’t take no for an answer.
  • I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
  • Nice try, but I’ll believe a salad is “to die for” when a convict chooses one for his last meal.
  • Kids getting a puppy soon? Name it what you want but, remember, this will be the answer to security questions for the rest of your life.
  • My favourite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It’s called lunch.
  • I finally found a diet plan that works. It’s called ‘The Cost of Food’.
  • Business idea: a home surgery kit called Suture Self.
  • If you force sex on a prostitute is it rape or shoplifting?
  • Scooters are for men who want to ride motorcycles, but prefer to feel the wind on their vaginas.
  • I am more pissed off than a dragon trying to blow out candles.
  • Every time someone calls me fat I get so depress I cut myself… a piece of cake.
  • Accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole new level.
  • Telling a girl to calm down works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.
  • Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches. When you can no longer get the straw in the hole, you’ve had enough.
  • Never laugh at your girlfriends choices….. you’re one of them.
  • I may not be getting laid tonight, but I’m definitely banging my snooze button in the morning.
  • I’m emotionally constipated. I haven’t given a shit in days.
  • If skinny people go skinny dipping. Do fat people go chunky dunking?
  • It’s all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits!
  • Whenever you get mad, just think of a t-rex trying to masturbate.
  • Why do midgets laugh while running through the yard? The grass tickles their nuts
  • I named my hard drive “dat ass” so once a month my computer asks if I want to ‘back dat ass up’.
  • Relationships are a lot like algebra.
  • Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
  • If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are… you have small boobs.
  • We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
  • I swear to drunk I’m not God, but seriously, stay in drugs, eat school, and don’t do vegetables.
  • For once in my life, I’d like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my penis.
  • You haven’t experienced awkward until you try to tickle someone who isn’t ticklish
  • If you force sex on a prostitute is it rape or shoplifting?
  • Olympic track makes you feel like you witnesed a crime, because you hear a gunshot and then see a bunch of black guys hauling ass.
  • Never get on one knee for a girl who won’t get on two for you.
  • I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
  • Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
  • Just got a booty call from life, apparently it still wants to keep fucking me.
  • I hate when I am about to hug someone really sexy and my face hits the mirror.
  • Scooters are for men who want to ride motorcycles, but prefer to feel the wind on their vaginas.
  • Father’s day, the most confusing day in the ghetto.
  • Every time someone calls me fat I get so depress I cut myself… a piece of cake.
  • Life without women would be a pain in the ass, literally.
  • Accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole new level.
  • I’m as bored as a slut on her period.
  • Telling a girl to calm down works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.
  • There’s always that one kid in PE who thinks it’s the f*cking Olympics.
  • I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!” Fucking b*tch.
  • I was at a restaurant and I noticed my waitress had a black eye. So I ordered very sloooowly because obviously she doesn’t listen.
  • It’s no shave November, Halo  & Black Ops  were released. Pregnancy rates are at an all time low.
  • Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches. When you can no longer get the straw in the hole, you’ve had enough.
  • You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
  • “Don’t kid yourself” would be a great slogan for a condom company
  • Obviously medicine companies don’t know what fruit taste like.
  • Never laugh at your girlfriends choices….. your one of them.
  • Love is like a fart. If you have to force it then it’s probably shit.
  • I may not be getting laid tonight, but I’m definitely banging my snooze button in the morning.
  • I’m emotionally constipated. I haven’t given a shit in days.
  • A big shout out to sidewalks… Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
  • If a quiz is quizzical, then what does that make a test?
  • If skinny people go skinny dipping. Do fat people go chunky dunking?
  • Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. Okay most of the time. Once in awhile…F*ck it I’ll buy my own shit.
  • If you ever google “Gary Oldman” for fucks sake don’t forget the “R”
  • I wonder if anyone has watched Storage Wars and said “hey that’s my shit!”
  • It’s all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits!
  • Never give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping.
  • Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond but by the end you wish u had a club and a spade.
  • Everyone’s middle name should be “Motherf*ckin”. Try it. Doesn’t it sound so great?
  • I accidentally called , so I set my house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
  • Sometimes I like to hide my wife’s inhaler so the neighbors think I’m a stallion when they hear her panting “Give it to me!
  • It doesn´t matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol.
  • Whatever you do in life, always give %. Unless you’re donating blood…
  • Dear MTV, What the fuck happened? Sincerely, Music.
  • I laugh at GUYS who work at subway because they have to make ME a sandwich.
  • Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
  • I don’t understand why Wal-mart has a problem with people bringing their dogs in the store. Dogs are better behaved, smell better, and are a lot less likely to take a crap on the floor than % of the people there.
  • I don’t want to startle anyone, but Becky on Facebook cannot believe how fast the weekend flew by.
  • Stable relationships are for horses.
  • My uncle was on drugs for years, but almost relapsed and got himself killed. All because he saw a sign that said “crack in the road”!!
  • If I were an enzyme, I’d be DNA Helicase. Then I could unzip your genes.
  • Facebook has made more changes than Obama.
  • I almost went to jail today, Monopoly gets intense.
  • I Just got banned from Lowes. Every time I walk in the store I set off all the stud finders.
  • If you watch Cinderella backwards, it’s about a woman her learns her place.
  • I swear if I didn’t have a smartphone i’d be asleep  hours earlier every night.
  • I haven’t seen you since that one time I hoped I’d never see you again.
  • I hate long lines, unless it’s cocaine. In that case, I love long lines.
  • I am so intuned with women that I can read her emotions just by lookin at her hands. For example….. if she’s holding a gun she chances are she might be upset.
  • Bitch, I’m not Willy Wonka, I don’t sugar coat shit.
  • All of the iPhone  jokes are just slightly improved iPhone  jokes.
  • I really hope we can call ninjas with red hair “ginjas”.
  • If I had a dollar for every time someone tells me to grow up, I could build the coolest tree house ever!
  • I don’t always have a valid argument, but when I do its later that day, in the shower
  • If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I would have one badass harley… and some super cute riding boots.
  • I’m trying to have makeup sex but the god damn lipstick keeps breaking off inside me.
  • I hate it when I give someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not my friend anymore.
  • I’m too busy to hang out with you, I have a long day of converting oxygen to carbon dioxide.
  • Apparently the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife.
  • How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex will be the same but the dishes will pile up.
  • My Mom + My Dad – Condom = Coolest Person Ever
  • If you hit someone with a dictionary… is that physical or verbal abuse?
  • My refrigerator just walked to my bedroom, opened the door, stood there and stared at me for five minutes, then it closed the door and left.
  • I can always tell when they use fake dinosaurs in movies.
  • Children in backseats can cause accidents. Accidents in backseats can cause children.
  • what do you get when you cross a hedgehog with an owl? a prick that stays up all night
  • I go to school where students are higher than their grades.
  • Did you see the face on her? She looks like she ran a  yard dash in a  yard gym
  • I set my DVR to record ‘The Biggest Loser’ and it keeps taping Michigan football games.
  • Some times you gotta grab life by the tits and shake it up a bit.
  • There’s a big difference between a bear hug and a bare hug…
  • I wonder why chocolate melts in my hand, I mean am I that hot?
  • I’m off to Club Bed featuring DJ Pillow and MC Blanky.
  • I hate it when I’m singing a song and the artist gets the words wrong.
  • What’s the difference between your paycheck and your penis? You don’t have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.
  • if lifes a bitch, why hasnt it made me a sandwich yet?
  • My girlfriend called me a pervert! I said to her “that’s a big word for a nine year old”
  • Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap  people at once.
  • How many Mayans does it take to change a lightbulb? None, because they predicted it would change itself.
  • Always bake cookies at °, because ° is too high.
  • I want world peace so bad that I will punch anyone in the face who opposes me.
  • The awkward moment when you’re banging your chick doggie style and can’t help but notice the butt hole lint.
  • Does anyone have plans to stare at their phones somewhere exciting this weekend?
  • I just broke my personal record for consecutive days lived.
  • Congrats to Lebron’s fiance who now leads the family with one ring.
  • What do women and Slinkies have in common? Not really too much, but you can’t help but crack a smile when one tumbles down the stairs.
  • If Wal-mart sells belts, why do I see so many butt cracks?
  • Serving size:  Yeah… all  me.
  • When I text you a whole paragraph and you text me back  minutes later saying “K.” Are you asking to be punched?
    B*tch that smile is as fake as ur tits.
  • ME: You smell like updog. FRIEND: What’s up dog? ME: Nothing much man, how ’bout you?
  • I hate Circles, their pointless
  • If everyone else jumped off a dock, I would too.
  • I’m a sucker for pier pressure.
  • I’m sweating like a faggot at a hotdog stand.
  • Children: You spend the first  years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next  years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
  • Always love a woman for her personality. She has ten you can choose from.
  • Boobs. Because you can’t motorboat her personality.
  • How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should already be open by the time she brings it.
  • The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
  • Dude, that camping trip was… In tents.
  • What’s the only thing that grows in Cleveland? The Crime Rate.
  • There’s two fish in a tank, and one says ”How do you drive this thing?”
  • roses are red, violets are blue, I have  fingers the middle  is for you.
  • I’m in no condition to drive. Wait! I can’t listen to myself, I’m drunk
  • For anything that I said or did last night, I plead the fifth……of vodka.
  • So I made the decision that after no shave November I’m gonna grow a Decembeard and ride that into Janu-hairy and Febu-hairy.
  • My vacuum cleaner broke. I put a Dallas Cowboys sticker on it, and now it sucks again.