Robin Williams

  • Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose.
  • We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
  • Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.
  • Do you think God gets stoned? I think so . . . look at the platypus.
  • God gave men a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
  • In England, if you commit a crime, the police don’t have a gun and you don’t have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say “Stop, or I’ll say stop again.”
  • When in doubt, go for the dick joke.
  • I like my wine like my women — ready to pass out.
  • Ah, yes, divorce … from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.
  • Politics: “Poli” a Latin word meaning “many”; and “tics” meaning “bloodsucking creatures”.
  • If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
  • We Americans, we’re a simple people . . . but piss us off, and we’ll bomb your cities.
  • We have a president for whom English is a second language. He’s like ‘We have to get rid of dictators,’ but he’s pretty much one himself.
  • Comedy is acting out optimism.
  • Cricket is basically baseball on valium.
  • Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason.
  • Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn’t work!
  • I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was… a large Arctic region covered with ice.
  • I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.
  • If it’s the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?
  • People say satire is dead. It’s not dead; it’s alive and living in the White House.
  • Reality: What a concept!
  • Spring is nature’s way of saying, “Let’s party!”
  • The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.
  • The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.
  • The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, ‘Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.’ She’s got a baseball bat and yelling, ‘You want a piece of me?’
  • What’s right is what’s left if you do everything else wrong.
  • When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, ‘Can I use a lifeline?’
  • Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
  • You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) ‘It’s the same sex all the time.
  • Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.
  • Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: “You’ve just killed a small animal. It’s time for a light beer.” Why not have a realistic beer commercial, with a realistic thing about beer, where someone goes, “It’s five o’clock in the morning. You’ve just pissed on a dumpster. It’s Miller time.”
  • But only in their dreams can men be truly free It was always thus and always thus will be.
  • We were talking briefly about cocaine…yeah. Anything that makes you paranoid and impotent, give me more of that!
  • The Second Amendment! It says you have the right to bear arms, or the right to arm bears, whatever the hell you want to do!
  • And the French! The French have a bomb too! Maybe they have the Michelin Bomb- ah! Only destroys restaurants under four stars! They are the one of the only people that still test their bombs! Where do they do it? In the Sahara, in the total wasteland? No, fuck off! In Tahiti! In paradise. Why? Because we’re French. Oh, look, a Greenpeace boat coming to protest- fuck off, I sink you.
  • [Imitating a Frenchman] Fuck you Americans! Uncultured, crass Americans! We hate all of you! Fu- the Germans are here! Hello Americans! We love you!
  • And some people say Jesus wasn’t Jewish. Of COURSE he was Jewish! 30 years old, single, lives with his parents, come on! He works in his father’s business, his mom thought he was God’s gift, he’s Jewish! Give it up!
  • And if you want a linguistic adventure, go drinking with a Scotsman. Cause you can’t fucking understand them before.
  • I wonder what chairs think about all day: “Oh, here comes another asshole.
  • I walked into my son’s room the other day, and he’s got four screens going at the same time. He’s watching a movie on one screen, playing a game on another, downloading something on this one, texting on that one, people say “He’s got ADD.” Fuck that, he’s multitasking.
  • When I was growing up they used to say, “Robin, drugs can kill you.” Now that I’m 58 my doctor’s telling me, “Robin, you need drugs to live.” I realize now that my doctor is also my dealer…
  • You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer.
  • Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go “omg, omg, wtf, zzz”? Is that rude?
  • I went to rehab [for alcoholism] in wine country, just to keep my options open.
  • I was once on a German talk show, and this woman said to me, “Mr. Williams, why do you think there is not so much comedy in Germany?” And I said, “Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?”
  • Cocaine is God’s way of saying that you’re making too much money.
  • Ever notice that George Bush doesn’t speak when Dick Cheney is drinking water?
  • When you look at Prince Charles, don’t you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
  • My God, we’ve had cloning in the South for years… it’s called cousins.
  • Running for senator in New York is like bobbing for piranhas.
  • You know, you get that tattoo of barbed wire when you’re 18, but by the time you’re 80, it’s a picket fence.
  • Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’
  • I feel like Adam when he said to Eve, “Back up, I don’t know how big this gets.”
  • Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
  • If we bury you ass up, I’ve got a place to park my bike.
  • I think Nancy does most of his talking; you’ll notice that she never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
  • I thought lacrosse was what you find in la church.
  • He makes a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day float look ridiculous.
  • What’s right is what’s left when everything is wrong.
  • Death – to blink for an exceptionally long period of time.

Robin Williams Jokes