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Monty Python Quotes

Monty-Python

  • I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.
  • Bridgekeeper: Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
    Sir Lancelot: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.
    Bridgekeeper: What… is your name?
    Sir Lancelot: My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot.
    Bridgekeeper: What… is your quest?
    Sir Lancelot: To seek the Holy Grail.
    Bridgekeeper: What… is your favourite colour?
    Sir Lancelot: Blue.
    Bridgekeeper: Go on. Off you go.
    Sir Lancelot: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
    Sir Robin: That’s easy.
    Bridgekeeper: Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
    Sir Robin: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I’m not afraid.
    Bridgekeeper: What… is your name?
    Sir Robin: Sir Robin of Camelot.
    Bridgekeeper: What… is your quest?
    Sir Robin: To seek the Holy Grail.
    Bridgekeeper: What… is the capital of Assyria?
    [pause]
    Sir Robin: I don’t know that.
    [he is thrown over the edge into the volcano]
    Sir Robin: Auuuuuuuugh.
    Bridgekeeper: Stop. What… is your name?
    Galahad: Sir Galahad of Camelot.
    Bridgekeeper: What… is your quest?
    Galahad: I seek the Grail.
    Bridgekeeper: What… is your favourite colour?
    Galahad: Blue. No, yel…
    [he is also thrown over the edge]
    Galahad: auuuuuuuugh.
    Bridgekeeper: Hee hee heh. Stop. What… is your name?
    King Arthur: It is ‘Arthur’, King of the Britons.
    Bridgekeeper: What… is your quest?
    King Arthur: To seek the Holy Grail.
    Bridgekeeper: What… is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
    King Arthur: What do you mean? An African or European swallow?
    Bridgekeeper: Huh? I… I don’t know that.
    [he is thrown over]
    Bridgekeeper: Auuuuuuuugh.
    Sir Bedevere: How do know so much about swallows?
    King Arthur: Well, you have to know these things when you’re a king, you know.
  • Dennis: Come and see the violence inherent in the system. Help! Help! I’m being repressed!
    King Arthur: Bloody peasant!
    Dennis: Oh, what a giveaway! Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That’s what I’m on about! Did you see him repressing me? You saw him, Didn’t you?
  • King Arthur: I am your king.
    Woman: Well I didn’t vote for you.
    King Arthur: You don’t vote for kings.
    Woman: Well how’d you become king then?
    [Angelic music plays… ]
    King Arthur: The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king.
    Dennis: [interrupting] Listen, strange women lyin’ in ponds distributin’ swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
  • Sir Bedevere: There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.
    Peasant 1: Are there? Oh well, tell us.
    Sir Bedevere: Tell me. What do you do with witches?
    Peasant 1: Burn them.
    Sir Bedevere: And what do you burn, apart from witches?
    Peasant 1: More witches.
    Peasant 2: Wood.
    Sir Bedevere: Good. Now, why do witches burn?
    Peasant 3: …because they’re made of… wood?
    Sir Bedevere: Good. So how do you tell whether she is made of wood?
    Peasant 1: Build a bridge out of her.
    Sir Bedevere: But can you not also build bridges out of stone?
    Peasant 1: Oh yeah.
    Sir Bedevere: Does wood sink in water?
    Peasant 1: No, no, it floats!… It floats! Throw her into the pond!
    Sir Bedevere: No, no. What else floats in water?
    Peasant 1: Bread.
    Peasant 2: Apples.
    Peasant 3: Very small rocks.
    Peasant 1: Cider.
    Peasant 2: Gravy.
    Peasant 3: Cherries.
    Peasant 1: Mud.
    Peasant 2: Churches.
    Peasant 3: Lead! Lead!
    King Arthur: A Duck.
    Sir Bedevere: …Exactly. So, logically…
    Peasant 1: If she weighed the same as a duck… she’s made of wood.
    Sir Bedevere: And therefore…
    Peasant 2: …A witch!
  • Minstrel: [singing] Brave Sir Robin ran away…
    Sir Robin: *No!*
    Minstrel: [singing] bravely ran away away…
    Sir Robin: *I didn’t!*
    Minstrel: [singing] When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled.
    Sir Robin: *I never did!*
    Minstrel: [singing] Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about, and valiantly, he chickened out.
    Sir Robin: *Oh, you liars!*
    Minstrel: [singing] Bravely taking to his feet, he beat a very brave retreat. A brave retreat by brave Sir Robin.
  • You don’t frighten us, English pig dogs. Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called “Arthur King,” you and all your silly English K-nig-hts.
  • 1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Who goes there?
    King Arthur: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England!
    1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Pull the other one!
    King Arthur: I am, and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.
    1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: What? Ridden on a horse?
    King Arthur: Yes!
    1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: You’re using coconuts!
    King Arthur: What?
    1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: You’ve got two empty halves of coconut and you’re bangin’ ’em together.
    King Arthur: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through…
    1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Where’d you get the coconuts?
    King Arthur: We found them.
    1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Found them? In Mercia? The coconut’s tropical!
    King Arthur: What do you mean?
    1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Well, this is a temperate zone
    King Arthur: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?
    1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
    King Arthur: Not at all. They could be carried.
    1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
    King Arthur: It could grip it by the husk!
    1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: It’s not a question of where he grips it! It’s a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.
    King Arthur: Well, it doesn’t matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?
    1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?
    King Arthur: Please!
    1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Am I right?
  • King Arthur: Old woman.
    Dennis: Man.
    King Arthur: Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?
    Dennis: I’m 37.
    King Arthur: What?
    Dennis: I’m 37. I’m not old.
    King Arthur: Well I can’t just call you “man”.
    Dennis: Well you could say “Dennis”.
    King Arthur: I didn’t know you were called Dennis.
    Dennis: Well you didn’t bother to find out did you?
    King Arthur: I did say sorry about the “old woman”, but from behind you looked…
    Dennis: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior.
    King Arthur: Well I am king.
    Dennis: Oh, king eh? Very nice. And how’d you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers. By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society.
  • King Arthur: Who are you who can summon fire without flint or tinder?
    Tim: There are some who call me… Tim.
  • Please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion. Let’s not bicker and argue over who killed who.
  • King Arthur: One, two, five!
    Sir Galahad: Three sir!
    King Arthur: THREE!
  • We interrupt this program to annoy you and make things generally irritating.
  • It’s…
  • And now for something completely different.
  • But it’s my only line!
  • An Art Critic: [Repeated line] What a Terrible Joke!
    Carol Cleveland: [Crying] But its my only line!
  • Clerk: You are Alexander Yalt?
    Alexander Yalt: [in a Derek Nimmo voice] Oh I am.
    Clerk: Skip the impersonations.
    Alexander Yalt: I am.
    Clerk: Mr Yalt you are charged that on the second day of January 1970 you wilfully, deliberately and with malice aforethought published an English-Hungarian Phrasebook with intent to cause a breach of the peace. How do you plead?
    Alexander Yalt: Not guilty.
    Clerk: You live at 46 Horton Terrace?
    Alexander Yalt: I do live at 46 Horton Terrace.
    Clerk: You are the president of a publishing company?
    Alexander Yalt: I am the president of a publishing company.
    Clerk: Your company publishes phrasebooks?
    Alexander Yalt: My company does publish phrasebooks.
    Clerk: You did say 46 Horton Terrace?
    Alexander Yalt: Yes
    Clerk: [bangs gong à la Michael Miles] Aha! Got him!
  • Mr Smoke-Too-Much: I saw your add in the “Bolour” Supplement.
    Bounder: The what?
    Mr Smoke-Too-Much: The Bolour Suppliment.
    Bounder: The Colour Supplement.
    Mr Smoke-Too-Much: Yes, I’m sorry, I can’t say the letter B.
    Bounder: C?
    Mr Smoke-Too-Much: Yes, that’s right. It’s all due to a trauma I suffered when I was a “sbool” boy. I was attacked by a bat.
    Bounder: A cat?
    Mr Smoke-Too-Much: No, a bat.
  • Lemon curry?
  • [Interview with a lady friend of the notorious Dinsdale Piranha]
    Interviewer: Was there anything unusual about Dinsdale?
    Lady Friend: I should say not! Dinsdale was a perfectly normal person in every way. Except inasmuch as he was convinced that he was being watched by a giant hedgehog he referred to as Spiny Norman.
    [Later]
    Lady Friend: Lately, Dinsdale had become increasingly worried about Spiny Norman. He had come to the conclusion that Norman slept in an aeroplane hangar at Luton Airport.
    Host: And so, on February the 22nd, 1966, at Luton Airport…
    [Footage of a mushroom cloud]
    Host: Even the police began to sit up and take notice.
  • My father needed a waste basket.
  • Señor Biggles: Miss Bladder, take a letter.
    Miss Bladder: Yes, Señor Biggles.
    Señor Biggles: Don’t call me “Señor!” I’m not a Spanish person. You must call me Mr. Biggles or Group Captain Biggles, or Mary Biggles if I’m dressed as my wife, but never “Señor!”
  • Jacques Montgolfier: Don’t forget we have a special guest coming this evening.
    Joseph Montgolfier: Huh?
    Jacques Montgolfier: Don’t tell me you have forgotten already. The man who is giving us thousands of francs for our experiments.
    Joseph Montgolfier: What man?
    Jacques Montgolfier: Louis XIV!
    Joseph Montgolfier: Isn’t he dead?
    Jacques Montgolfier: Evidently not.

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Monty Python Quotes