• Trousers can never be too tight. You have to go through a couple of days of pain, then everything stretches out.
  • There’s not enough psychedelic stuff on TV. I want the world to be a bit weirder than it is. I hate reality, so I hate reality TV. But I love Columbo.
  • When I was 14, I saw someone getting their face and wrists slashed with a knife in a pub in Catford. Nobody lifted a finger. That’s when I realised that violence wasn’t funny. At all.
  • I never did that badly with women when I wasn’t on telly, but it’s a bit out of control now. Women try it on with me more than I’m comfortable with. It’s strange, because I think I look like a troll wearing a woman’s wig backwards.
  • My nan used to look after me in the summer holidays and she had a cat with one eye. It used to walk into walls and tables. I used to think it was hilarious. It was a slapstick cat.
  • I’m a mischievous drunk.
  • When I’m 70 I might be a man in a park just wandering around, speaking in tongues with kids throwing bread at me.
  • When you’re famous you can’t go to Topshop. Even when I disguise myself in a moustache, baseball cap, sunglasses – the full Madonna kit – it doesn’t work: my stupid face is too big.
  • When I was a little kid I wanted to be Face [A-Team]. I thought, cos I had blond hair and he did too, that when I grew up I’d look like him.
  • I did work in a bakery for one day. But the boss went off and when he came back I was lying on the floor eating cakes.
  • I like clothes and make-up, I like the transformation… But a lot of men had problems. It’s one of those strange things. A man will go, ‘You fucking queer.’ And you just think, ‘Well, your girlfriend fancies me.’
  • It’s impossible to be unhappy in a poncho!
  • I’d like to punch out a really old lady. There’d be no repercussions.
  • When I was a little kid I always wanted to be ginger. My best friend was ginger and he was pretty cool.
  • We got everythin’ we need here. We got Baileys, creamy, and, um… everythin’ good. I’ll get ya another Baileys.
  • I’ve got it all in here ultra violets, flying saucers, strawberry bootlace come on get involved..
  • Yeah? Rock ‘n’ Roll is fast, you know. If all goes according to plan I could be in rehab next thursday. Tuesday week I’ll be living on an island with a small Indian boy.
  • Yeah, big deal! *points to scar on his stomach* See that? Straighteners, Nicky Clarke, hottest you can get. Fell asleep on them when I was pissed.
  • Imagine that, a poncho sombrero combo, I’ll be off my tits on happiness.
  • Are you possessed… by a twat?