• Someone asked me recently – what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I’m not falling for that one again, wife.
  • I saw a poster for Mission Impossible III the other day. I thought: It’s not impossible if he’s already done it twice.
  • [Worst Thing to Hear Over a Tannoy System] Ladies and gentlemen, we all know there will be a bomb on the Tube… but will it be today?
  • I had sex in a bottle bank once because I care about the planet.
  • It’s hard to believe that if there is a God, he would want people to stand in the street and shout like maniacs. I think He would choose better qualified people.
  • I had a gig in Maidstone very early on. The venue doesn’t exist anymore – hopefully it burnt down. One doesn’t like to generalise but, well, they were all sub-human.
  • (On his long-term goals.) I want to have more courage, conquer my fear of lightning and, by my 40th birthday, be drinking 50% less of my current alcohol consumption. I also want to meet Barack Obama, or take significant steps to getting into Outer Space.
  • I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was shout for help.

Mark Watson Jokes.

Mark Andrew Watson is an English comedian and novelist.