• There’s a reason it’s called ‘girls gone wild’ and not ‘women gone wild’. When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.
  • It’s hard to really look at somebody and go: “Hey, maybe something nice will happen.” You just don’t– I know too much about life to have any optimism, because I know even if it’s nice, it’s going to lead to shit. I know that if you smile at somebody and they smile back, you’ve just decided that something shitty is going to happen.
  • I’m just like yeast – I eat sugar and I shit alcohol. And there’s a huge culture that goes with that. Alcohol creates massive shifts in world history, and it changes people’s lives. People get pregnant because of alcohol. But the yeast doesn’t give a fuck. The yeast isn’t going, “I really want to help people loosen up and bring passion into Irish people’s lives.
  • A man will rip off your arm and throw it into a river, but he will leave you as a human being intact. He won’t mess with who you are. Women are non-violent but they will shit inside of your heart.
  • Last week I got a flu that I caught, ’cause my daughter coughed… into my mouth.
  • The meal is not over when I’m full. The meal is over when I hate myself.
  • I’d like to name my kid a whole phrase, you know, something like ‘Ladies and Gentlemen’. That’ll be a cool name for a kid. “This is my son, Ladies and Gentlemen”… Then when he gets out of hand I get to go “Ladies and Gentlemen, please!”
  • How many advantages can one person have? I’m a white man!
  • I don’t have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.
  • I’m buying a Cinnabon…at the airport…I arrived at. You understand why that’s extra disgusting, right?. Because when you’re at the airport you’re leaving from you can say “Oh, I gotta eat. I need some food, because I might be trapped in the sky forever so I should eat right now.” But I’ve landed. The trip is over. I’m 20 minutes from my house where I got bananas and apples and shit. And I’m sitting on my luggage just fuckin eating a Cinnabon with a fork and knife.”
  • Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes remember who I am, what I’m like, and I just go “ugh….”
  • Most people are dead. Hitler. Ray Charles. Some other guys. But mostly those two.
  • Look, it’s some cunt coming out of that cunt’s cunt.
  • Sorry – Americans only buy things that come from suffering. They just enjoy it more when they know someone’s getting hurt.
  • But my dick is too aware that your pussy is a chamber of financial ruin!
  • You can figure out how bad a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated, like how long you waited… and for me it was between the two buildings going down… I had to do it, otherwise they’d win.

Louis C.K. Jokes