Lee Nelson quotes ComedyQuotes.TV

Chat up lines:

  • Is your name Laura El? Cos you’re worth it.
  • Is your name Gilette? Cos you’re the best a man can get.
  • Where are you from, Planet Beautiful?
  • What language do you speak *snogging noise*
  • Where are you from, Heaven?
  • Is your dad a cement mixer? Cos you is making me well hard

Stand up:

  • My grandad died at our annual Alton Towers tripp, and he died on the Nemesis ride,
    But at least we got a photo of him before he passed away – Well we would have, but twelve quid? Fuck That!
  • Without drugs, I would have never got my job… Selling drugs.
  • Scotland, the place where everyone knows about the prehistoric monster that lives in Loch Ness, also a country where a drinking problem is not being able to finish off a bottle of vodka by yourself. Coincidence?
  • I was arrested the other night and from the one call I got, I called a sex line. My Wife was well mad. She hates it when I call her at work.
  • Scousers say ‘Boss’ when somethings really good. Everyone else uses ‘Boss’ to mean person in charge at work, but of course they don’t need a word for that in Liverpool.

Lee Nelson quotes