Lee Evans Jokes

  • I like it when the waiter asks you if you want Parmesan cheese on your dinner, yeah, give me essence of puke all over me tea!
  • Have you noticed every time there’s a murderer on the loose they have that advert pop up from B&Q – “this week, hatchets, half price!”
  • We got completely lost driving in, and we asked the way, yeah, why is it that when you ask for directions you always get the village-fucking-idiot!
  • I love restaurants, and that’s the thing now, they always boast about now, restaurants – home made cooking – I don’t want home made cooking, that’s why I’m here, ‘cos I don’t like the shit at home! Yeah… you know! And they don’t say who’s home it is, do they! Could be a mental home, couldn’t it!
  • You ever get lost with your wife in the car, you’re *completely* lost, and they *always* say the same thing! “Oh let’s just go home.” “WE’RE FUCKING LOST! WHAT DID YOU THROW FUCKIN’ BREAD OUT THE WINDOW?”
  • [about fizzy drinks machines] Who built that machine, to let that can, filled with gas, fall that far? You know, you put in that coin and it’s just like *KABOOM!*
  • I hate those parking machines. Any machine where you’ve got to put money in, how do they always know you’re in a hurry? You know, you rush up to it and they always get fussy on that last pound coin! You put it in and it goes “Nooo, I don’t like that one!” “Yeah well it’s just the same as all the others!” “Yeah I know, I just don’t like that last one!”
  • Why are we still embarrassed about the condom machine? The only blokes who are not embarrassed are the blokes who don’t get any! You know, they wait in the bog, pound in hand, and as soon as someone comes in they’re like “Come on! come on! I’ve got birds waiting!”
  • [about smoke alarms] You burn a bit of toast and it goes *nuts!*
  • Who are them blokes, the jockeys? Who are they, three foot high fucking hobbits in a pimps outift!