Comedy Quotes » Alan Partridge Quotes

Alan Partridge Quotes

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  • Lynn, some of these people have come from Stoke.
  • Yeah well at last I haven’t got a brother in prison
  • Is he gunna get any petrol? No he’s using the forecourt to turn around… he thinks he’s Rod Stewart.
  • Very nice. Like little tears, little wax tears dripping from your ears because they’re sad. Don’t cry ears, you’re on the side of a lovely head!
  • I am such a big head.
  • I’m just going to warn you, I have popped out again.
  • Yeah, I know. I was being rhetorical.
  • No, no. Anytime. Anytime in the next fifteen minutes.
  • Putting a damp spoon back in the bowl is the tea-drinking equivalent of sharing a needle. And I don’t want to end up with the tea-drinking equivalent of AIDS.
  • A couple of youngsters there there fooling around. Let’s hope that that tomfoolery doesn’t escalate into blind, ugly violence. Which, lets face it, none of us want to see.
  • Why are you wearing that snazzy cardigan?
  • Scum. Sub-human scum.
  • Yes, I’m convinced, he’s my best friend.
  • No, I don’t smoke. I’m one of the anti-cancer set. We’re a dying breed. Well, we’re not, you are. I don’t mean you’ve got cancer. Maybe you have.
  • I wasn’t going to. I was just gonna do a Cockney walk.
  • Sex festival?
  • No way you big spastic, you’re a mentalist!
  • That’s what Nazi war criminals say.
  • I just hate the general public.
  • I’m not coming to your Baptist church.
  • What do you think of the polo neck? Balls out of the bath on this one.
  • “10 minutes lynn!”
  • You’re in the right ball park. It actually says Cock, Piss, Partridge!
  • Stop laughing Lynn! You’re laughing at weather!
  • I love you, in a way.
  • Kiss my face!
  • You have minor woman’s whiplash.
  • “The string-back just gives you a bit of extra purchase.”
  • ‘Swallow’ A detective series based in Norwich. Swallow is a detective who tackles vandalism. Bit of a Maverick, not afraid to break the law if he thinks it’s necessary – he’s not a criminal – but he will, perhaps, travel at 80 miles an hour on the motorway if, for example he wants to get somewhere quickly. No one had heard of Oxford before ‘Inspector Morse’. This will put Norwich on the map.
  • ‘Alan Attack’ Like the ‘Cook Report’ but with a more slapstick approach.
  • I, Alan Partridge, talk to M.E. sufferers about their condition. We intersperse it with their favourite pop-songs, make it light hearted, give them a platform, you’ve got to keep the energy up.
  • Take fat people from the inner cities, put them in big nappies, then get them to throw each other out of a circle that we draw with chalk on the ground. Very cheap to make, you could do it in a pub car park.
  • Errrr… Opening sequence: Me in Trafalgar Square feeding the pigeons going ‘Oh God!’.
  • “It’s Fifty to six or, if you’d like to develop the idea, seventy past four, erm, or even, erm… bear with me… one thousand two hundred and thirty to twelve.”
  • “Eat my goal!!”
  • “TWAT!! That was liquid football!”
  • “Shit!! Did you see that?! He must have a foot like a traction engine!!”
  • “That goalie has football pie all over his shirt!”
  • “Yes! yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!… That, was a goal!”
  • “A couple of youngsters there there…fooling around. Let’s hope that that… tomfoolery… doesn’t escalate into blind, ugly violence. Which lets face it, none of us want to see.”
  • “It’s the 6.30 Queen Henry stakes, which is generally regarded as the litmus test for Derby form. Jockey folklore says that if you cock up the Queen Henry, you might as well ride the Derby on a cow”
  • “Two fat ladies, 88! Not that you’d find these ladies at a bingo hall, of course… they’re altogether a higher class.”
  • “Dave Bradaur there in the lead, swaying from side to side in his own inimitable bike-riding way. Klaus Binthere on the inside, pumping away with those gristle-like muscley legs inside those tight lycra shorts which have become his trademark. [A team car with spare bikes on the roofrack enters frame.] And I don’t know what this man is playing at! No way! Surely the judges must come down like a ton of bricks on that. Carrying bikes on the top of a car is not a sportsmanlike way to run this race.”
  • “You join me now in the helicopter as we look down on these cyclists that look somehow like cattle in a mad way, but cattle on bikes. [The finish line.] And there’s Sven Gunsoon, closely followed by his close friend and teammate Klaus Bin- and the man with the bikes on his car is, yes! He’s disqualified as I said, and Klaus Binthere wins. Riding none-handed! No need for that.”
  • You look awfully cheery considering it’s the first anniversary of your mother’s death.
  • Who is the best Lord? Lord of the Rings, Lord of the Dance, or Lord of the Flies?
  • ‘appen he thinks I’m a right indecisive tit!
  • I’m off to a BP garage for a mushroom slice.
  • Well now you’ve got Norfolk’s MADDEST man!
  • Thanks a lot!
  • I’m going nowhere, Lynn. Quite literally – I’m on the ring road, third time round!
  • Sonja, that was classic intercourse! So, eh, so thanks! I’ll just pop the extractor fan on.
  • Woah! That’s English for ‘stop a horse!’
  • I love you, in a way.
  • Jackanakanory
  • You could be a Bond femme fatale with your broken English. You’re sexy but I don’t trust you!
    I think I’d be more preoccupied by the fact I was encountering a talking snake. I think whether I wanted an apple or not would be a side issue. Even if it wasn’t a talking snake even if it just rolled an apple towards me and sorta went [nods head towards imaginary apple] I think it would still be trouble. After that I think I’d just em, pull some trunks on and sit down on the grass.
  • I’d have that three times a day if I could but, eh, I’d be dead!
  • That’s not toast Michael, that’s hot floppy bread.
  • Guess which one of you two ladies I’m gonna make love to now?
  • Probably me next.
  • Read the small print on your cone-tract.
  • You know, I find it amazing how many people still think the petrol cap on a Ford Focus is offside rear.
  • Absobloodyexactly!
  • Do you know what this bathroom says to me? ‘Aqua’, which is French for water. It’s like being inside an enormous Fox’s Glacier Mint. Which, again, to me is a bonus.
  • Flatley my dear, I don’t riverdance!
  • I’ve been working like a Japanese prisoner of war. But a happy one.
  • Yes, it’s an extender! Fantastic. That is the icing on the cake
  • The temperature inside this apple turnover is over 1000 degrees. If I squeeze it, a jet of molten bramley apple will squirt out. Could go your way; could go mine. Either way, one of us is going down!
  • In my mind God made Adam and Eve, he didn’t make Adam and Steve
  • Sometimes it’s difficult to understand the Geordie…people
  • Certainly enough room to swing a tiger in here isn’t there? Wouldn’t want to though – unless it’d been stunned. Even then it’s going to weigh the best part of a tonne.
  • I’ve got a cellar. There’s no wine in it, just a couple of bikes, some smokeless fuel, and an old bag of cement. Gone hard.
  • Swallow is a detective who tackles vandalism. Bit of a maverick, not afraid to break the law if he thinks it’s necessary. He’s not a criminal, but he will, perhaps, travel 80mph on the motorway if, for example, he wants to get somewhere quickly.
  • No one had heard of Oxford before Inspector Morse
  • You’ll like this one. ‘Knowing M.E., Knowing You’. I, Alan Partridge, talk to M.E. sufferers about the condition. We intersperse it with their favourite pop songs, make it light-hearted, you know, give them a platform. You’ve got to keep the energy up
    I’m not driving a Mini Metro! I’m not driving a Mini Metro! I’m not driving a Mini Metro!
    I can read you like a book. And not a very good book. Certainly not Bravo Two Zero by Andy McNab, which actually improves with every read.
  • We can’t celebrate with the Spice Girls, so why not get your arses down to the spice museum in Longstanton
  • I know a cracking owl sanctuary
  • If you tried to hang a hawk, they could always hover so the rope went slack. So, I suppose if you were going to execute a bird of prey the most humane way would be death by firing squad
  • I’ve had these shorts since 1982. They did have an underpant lining but it’s perished
  • Ooooooh butter my arse!
  • Monkey Tennis
  • Inner-City Sumo
  • I’ve got 104 friends
  • I think your hair’s quite snassie, is that your mother’s money coming through?
  • That was classic intercourse
  • They’ve re-badged it you fool
  • Back of the net.
  • Ladyboy chaser
  • Kiss my face!
  • Does my breath smell of gas? I had a scotch egg.
  • Cold finger!
  • T…… Tell you what, tell you what, Nine an a half thousand pounds!
  • Would you like me to lap dance for you?
  • You can stop giggling or I’ll take down your particulars!
  • Cholesterol, Scottish people eat it.
  • Stop getting Bond wrong!
  • You just wait!
  • Dan…Dan…Dan…..DAN….DAN……………….DAN!
  • The Daily Mail, Ohhhhhhhhhh it’s a good paper.
  • Cook a cat!
  • You are a big posh sod with plums in your mouth, and the plums have mutated and they have got beaks. You make pigs smoke. You feed beef burgers to swans. You have big sheds, but nobody’s allowed in. And in these sheds you have 20ft high chickens, and these chickens are scared because they don’t know why they’re so big, and they’re going, ‘Oh why am I so massive?’ and they’re looking down at all the little chickens and they think they’re in an aeroplane because all the other chickens are so small. Do you deny that? No, I think his silence speaks volumes
  • Not my words, the words of Top Gear Magazine.
  • Would you like a cuban cigar Tony? Rolled on the thighs of a virgin
  • It flushed on the first yank!
  • Can I just shock you? I like wine
  • Don’t draw a cock!
  • SMELL MY CHEESE YOU MOTHER!!
  • Bash your arse!
  • Yeah! Give me another series you shit!
  • My five bedroom bastard house!
  • Who….who…..who do you think you are?
  • Some one looking up at me changing a light bulb would have infact seen two light bulbs…….and a penis.
  • Can you fingerprint a sausage?
  • Aha!
  • She lives with a fitness instructor, he drinks that yellow stuff in tins……He’s an idiot!
  • I used to be indecisive, but now, I’m not so sure… straight away you’ve got them by the jaffas
  • James bond’s going to die!! He’s going to DIE!!
  • No way ya big spastic, you’re a MENTALIST!
  • I’m tempted to say she was big hearted but that would be bull shit.
  • TV is a dead duck, and who watches a dead duck? Not even it’s mother, it just flies away depressed
  • I say telescopic dampers, I mean rigid stays!
  • Look I’ve got your kids Dan… I’ve got your kids
  • Youth hostelling with Chris Eubank.
  • The pace of the Megane is too leisurely to be called quick. Uphill runs become power sappingly mundane whilst overtaking National Express coaches becomes a long, drawn-out affair. Not my word, Carol, those are the words of Top Gear Magazine!… Hello?…
  • All the others had superficial damage. I paid for yours.
  • Have you got a battery for an Ericsson?
  • Ya daft racist!
  • Ohh I’d like to kiss her!
  • You’re just a big posh sod with plums in your mouth and the plums have mutated and they’ve got beaks.
  • You should have a basic grasp of Latin if you work in….Currys
  • F Raphael. I Once knew a Frank Raphael. Sweaty Raphael we used to call him. Had these great sweating stains under his armpits. I’ve just realised its you. How the devil are you?
  • The boys are back in the barracks
  • Before we move I must warn you I have popped out again and it’s in no way connected to your proximity. It isn’t
  • Rolled on the thighs of a virgin. I’m being bawdy Lynne, enjoy it.
  • Don’t SING, Susan – it sounds BAD!!
  • I have a fat back.
  • Kiss my face….
  • I’ve pierced my foot on a spiiiiike!
  • Scope
  • Jurassic Park!
  • Lynn! It’s hotter than the sun!!
  • Dan… Dan… Dan… Dan… Dan… Dan… Dan… Dan… Dan… Dan… Dan… DAAAAN!!!
  • There’s a ghost in the machine,which could be a metaphor for, for, good afternoon, I’m Alan Partridge.
  • You couldn’t present a cat.
  • The worst of boast worlds.
  • Yeah… well… you could say… ‘needles to say, I took drugs’
  • How many cows have you got? ‘I’ve got 100 cows’. Yeah, well, I have 104 friends
  • And move, and fire, and move, and fire, GET BACK IN THE LIFT LYNN!!
  • Does that mean he lives in a different wing of ya house?
  • Der’s more to Ireland… dan dis.
  • ‘Just put nice plums’
  • ‘Hello Susan… Erm, slight problem… I was a bit bored… So I dismantled my Corby Trouser Press. I can’t put it back together again. Will that show up on my bill at all?’
  • Hands up! Give me all your petrol!
  • Lynn, I need the old moisturiser again. This morning I woke up and my pillow looked like a flapjack.
  • Wings?! They’re only the band the Beatles could have been!
  • [Lynn] Alan, you’ve pierced your foot on a spike. You’ve got to go to the hospital.. [Alan] Lynn, some of these people have come from Stoke
  • Smell my cheese
  • You need to upgrade……….to a new face!
  • From the underground lair of an evil genius……………to doctor No!
  • You really should have a hat hard on, sorry, I mean a hat hard on, I’ve done it again!
  • You’re a mentalist!
  • Stop rubbing your fanny on me!!!
  • YES!!!! It’s an extender
  • Don’t move Lynn, your neck is broken !
  • Are you wearing perfume Lynne? For a corpse?
  • They’re sex people Lynn
  • It’s hotter than the sun!
  • Don’t shine that torch in my face, mate. I’ve just lost a pint of blood.
  • (Sings)…And something else in Geordie!
  • Ohh, it’s a good paper!
  • You threw a monkey in the sea?
  • I’d just like to fly a helicopter all round Norfolk, swoop down over a field and scare a donkey so it falls into a river.
  • Move and fire, and move and fire.
  • I have a girlfriend who is 11 years younger than me… CASHBACK!!
  • It’s made out of vulcanised rubber so uhh it won’t perish
  • Do you know what you sound just like a villain from a bond film dr no-vocalchords
  • A big fat shot of Directors Bitter!
  • Lynn, Has your mothers death just hit you? You’re laughing at weather!
  • Babe, love, Lynne, the last one!
  • American football? It’s just futuristic rugby
  • Mine’s a pint.
  • Oooh sex.
  • He’s got a foot like a traction engine!.
  • You’ve gone again!
  • Sonja made me this mug with my face on this side, and a cat on the other.
  • I’m gonna hump ya… like Deputy Dawg… would hump ya.
  • I’ve just been into B&Q for a bag of tungsten-tipped screws. Never gonna use ’em…….. Never gonna use ’em…….
  • They have gone…to the Longstanton Spice Museum
  • In 1974 I was catching the London train from Crewe station. It was very crowded; I found myself in a last-minute rush for the one remaining seat beside a tall, good-looking man with collar-length hair, it was the seventies; buckaroo! I looked up and saw it was none other than Peter Purves, it was the height of his Blue Peter career. He said, “You jammy bastard” and quick as a flash, I replied, “Don’t be blue, Peter!” Needless to say, I had the last laugh, now fuck off!
  • Lynn, the fat envelope. Not you, Lynn
  • Did you know that there are no Dutch Elms left in Britain, completely wiped out … Disgusting, absolutely disgusting
  • I wish I’d be at bit more spontaneous. Sometimes I feel like going out, stealing a traffic cone, putting it on my head and saying, “Look at me, I’m a giant witch.”
  • The Queen is dead, long live the King Singers
  • You’re 22 years old and spending the afternoon in bed with a girl, you’re wasting your life!
  • With a mere ninety break-horse-power available, progress is too leisurely to be called fast, but on the motorway in fifth gear the Megane’s slow pace really becomes a pain. Uphill runs become power-sappingly mundane, while overtaking National Express coaches can become a long, drawn-out affair. Not my words, Carol. The words of Top Gear magazine
  • If you’re going to be angry, if you don’t mind being angry down the centre of the table.

 

  • “AP: Kev in Norwich?
    Caller: Gravy…
    AP: That’s not a condiment, it’s a hot sauce.
    Caller: Bisto then….
    AP: That’s a brand of gravy.
    Caller: Branston pickle then…
    AP: That’s a relish”
  • “It doesn’t even make sense…..but it’s still funny. It’s still surreally funny…which is why we booked you”
  • “Normally when i open a packet of crisps, i open them at the top but Simon showed me a technique whereby you splice the packet down the side, lay it flat and share the contents…hippy style and it was that point in all seriousness that i realised that here was a guy who was prepared to push the envelope.”
  • “Just to clear something up. You’re not the Jim Jones who led a mass suicide in the Jonestown Massacre by feeding his followers poisoned broth? Of course not…well you’d be dead wouldn’t you. Along with your 900 followers…did you know that’s the population of a village like Hickling? It’s an awful thought. Imagine the streets of Hickling littered with corpses. It doesn’t bear thinking about. It would be doubly shocking because it won best kept town in Norfolk 3 years on the trot.”
  • “If you’re tuning into us without the aid of visual internet, let me fill you in…Jim is astride a static exercise cycle. Why?”
  • “Er…just got an email in. It says that in the Jonestown massacre, it wasn’t soup he made them drink, it was actually poisoned KoolAid. SO just to reiterate, the fluid administered by the Reverend Jim Jones in the Jonestown Massacre in Guyana in 1978 to just under 1000 innocent men, women and children was pop not broth. So that’s pop-not-broth.
  • “Ever met a child the size of an Ox? The reason i mention it is i once knew a man who was the size of an ox but with the mind of a child. He was a very affable chap, helped me move house. Didn’t like loud noises but my goodness he could eat.”
  • “We have an email here that says…Is there a case to put overweight kids in their own “fat schools”? You could house them in dormitries, lock them in and then push pieces of Ryvita, smothered in Philadelphia Light, under the doors. This way they would become educated and thin…It’s a little bit extreme but you can’t fault his logic.”
  • “You’ve been cleared to work with children haven’t you?”
  • “Guest: You’re going from Land’s End to John O’Groats on a bicycle?
    AP: No, in a Toyota Avensis.
    Guest: Who’s sponsoring you?
    AP: No-one. It’s just one of the great UK drives along with clockwise and anticlockwise around the M25 in same day…which i did manage last year when i had a day to kill. I was dismissed from jury service. They wanted an ethnic balance and I was the (strained) fall guy. “
  • “It was just me, a Japanese saloon car and the very best of Deacon Blue.”
  • “This is North Norfolk Digital, sustaining and maintaining our core listenership, in an increasingly fragmented marketplace.”
  • “Just realised i read that from an internal memo. That wasnt meant for you to hear. Sorry.”
  • “I’m chatting with Jim Jones. Not the evil one. This one’s clean as a whistle..er..and that’s all official right? So all the boxes ticked and you’re on the register?…the good one, the good one!”
  • “AP: I could cycle 10 miles in 30 minutes…I could cycle 30 miles in 10 minutes.
    Guest: That’d be 180mph…
    AP: Alright i couldn’t do that …but i could do the easier one that you said first.”
  • “I Alan Partridge am going to attempt to cycle 10 miles in 30 minutes…but first Wizard.”
  • “Anthea Turner probably rides one of those big Dutch bikes with a basket and a bell. She’d cycle along in a flimsy cotton dress with the sun and the breeze in her hair. She’d discard her bike by the side of the road, find a nice spot in the field and lay down on a tartan blanket, with a copy of Grazia, a thermos flask and a big jam sandwich. And maybe a beef paste cob.”
  • “Are you from Northern Island? I like the murals on the ends of the houses of men in balaclavas with tommy guns. It must be like living amongst lots of Banksy’s, but Banksy’s who want to kill people that live near them.”
  • “Alan, Anthea’s here.
    Oh Christ! I wanted to have a shower before she got here. I brought my washbag in especially. And some Smints.”
  • “She has a C/D cup bust, pleasantly curvy elsewhere, all in all a good body.”
  • “Are you being suitored at the moment? Suitored and booted?! Actually that sounds like you’re being taking for a meal and then afterwards kicked….which does happen…i mean that’s the terrible thing.”
  • “I had a god-awful day last Tuesday. I was having lunch with an entrepreneur from Nottingham. Let’s call him Brian…not his real name….his real name’s Keith.”
  • “Let’s listen to the dulcet tones of Simon Le Bon, which is actually french for Simon The Good.”
  • “Just to explain, the sense of that line was not properly explained to the voice over artist before she went into the booth. By the time i found out she was already in a cab. Complete waste of 30 quid. She sounds like she’s being touched on a bus.”
  • “I remember her. Granny Annie. She died when i was a toddler. She used to make me chuckie egg. Egg and butter chopped up in a bowl.”
  • “Having direct access to Hobbs Road must have been like the promised land to civil engineers cutting journey times from the east side of Norwich in half.”
  • “You can make eye contact with me when you say that you know. I haven’t got syphilis.”
  • “If i was going on a man’s radio show to accuse one of his ancestors of having a sex disease, i’d want to be more than ‘pretty sure’…i’d want to be the next one up…which presumably is ‘uber sure’.
  • “I have sponsors who will walk away like ‘that’ if they get a sniff of VD. How would you like it if i said your Great Grandmother soiled herself at George Formby’s house?”
  • “Keep your clubs away from his young, it’s Seal.”
  • “I like her face. She has a very round cherubic face, rather like a Victorian doll that’s somehow been reanimated. Say what you like about Billie Piper but she is the most popular prostitute on ITV.”
  • “You’re listening to AP on treble M…i.e. Alan Partridge on Mid Morning Matters…”
  • “If a young person were to see Wayne Rooney driving along with his wife, or a sexy hooker, in a bling bling car, they may well say, “Oooh look Rain Wooney. Top one!”
  • “You’re listening to North Norfolk Digital. Music and chat for the Norfolk gener…for the North Norfolk generation. It’s…time…is…twelve…zero…zero…midday. This is Chatdown, street style, for the over 40s…”
  • “Bringing up the rear with just 11 votes is Delia Smith…urgh she won’t be happy with that. She’s got a temper on her. I once saw her take it out on a piece of beef. She made mincemeat out of it. She told me that one herself, although i don’t think she was joking.”
  • “Were you calling from Holt? Lovely part of the world. I spent many a happy hour there in my youth. I mean I didn’t live there, but i would occasionally go there. I knew a girl. But then i stopped seeing her and i stopped going there…”
  • “AP: Come on Jiiiiilll. You’re from Holt. You’re from Hooooolt Jill. Take a chill pill Jill.
    Caller: I’m called Judith.”
  • “AP: This tea tastes of chicken. KEVIN! This tea tastes of chicken. It tastes of chicken.
    Kevin: Well it’s just a normal tea bag.
    AP: Well…oh hang on…i’ve just eaten some chicken…here’s the bones.”
  • “Without the discovery of Tutankhamun’s tomb, archaeology, as it’s now known would simply be known as ‘digging’ or ‘digging for things’.”
  • “I met Tony Robinson once at Ten Years of Time Team. Lovely fellow…although i don’t like his politics.”
  • “Now before i tie a belt around your upper arm, slap your vein and inject you with a pure dose of Genesis…”
  • “Depending on your point of view, Bernard Matthews is either responsible for the biggest ornithological genocide of recent times or he’s the greatest farmyard to table strategist of the last one hundred years.”
  • “Middle of the day? You bet. Middle aged? Maybe. Middle of the road? No way!”
  • “People only abbreviate when they’re being jocular. You said ‘spag bol’…say the full words if you’re going to take this seriously. Say it.”
  • “It’s a dead tie between Oliver Cromwell and Horatio Nelson, exactly what i predicted. Why do i bother? That’s rhetorical by the way, please don’t text in. I know why i bother.”
  • “We’re not talking animals although the woman who does the weather is if the graffiti in the men’s toilets is to be believed. It’s alright, i haven’t mentioned her by name. There are 2 of them. And anyway i’m sure it’s not true. Because what i read was pretty awful actually. Noone should have to read that. And i’m sure she wont…it’s in the mens. And if she does go in the mens then maybe it is true.”
  • “If you could make one species from animals extinct, which would it be and how would you do it? We have a text from Ted in Fakenham that simply says ‘Cats. Hammers.’”
  • “I will be the first to hold my hands up and say in the past, circa 1983, i developed a robust dislike for the gay community, but that was before i met Dale Winton. And i realised i had absolutely nothing to worry about.”
  • “I actually spent 3 days at the Earls Court Boat Show with Dale Winton, Paul O’Grady and Noel Edmonds…he’s not gay but you get the picture.”
  • “If you’d told me 25 years ago that i was going to be talking about rigid inflatable hulls with Dale WInton, i’d probably have spat at you. Got any jokes about gays?”
  • “(Smelling wine) ooooh i was slightly hyper-ventilating then….usually leads to panic attacks….Jesus not now.”
  • “It’s been a while since i’ve used wine words.”
  • “This wine tastes of Chewitts!”
  • “That was just good radio. Simple as that.”
  • “Today’s question: How often should i wash my towels? Sally from Norwich writes, ‘I put my towels on a boil wash once every 10 days with a flap of Bounce.’ I do exactly the same thing and if i’m going to chuck in a bit of underwear, I might add a capful of Dettol, maybe two, depending on circumstances.”
  • “If Grandad John was alive today and i was able to feed him some of the sushi rolls lovingly prepared by my good friend Ando at MiSo Tasty, I think that all the anger that he harboured at having been tortured within an inch of his life at a Japanese prisoner of war camp, would instantly fade away, especially if he tried it with Ando’s delightful wasabi sauce.”
  • “The time is fifty-nine minutes to one….er…it’s just gone midday.”
  • “Norwich…one…adult…afternoon…Inception…no…Inception…no…Inception…no…Inception…no… Inception…”
  • “It’s north…it’s digital…It’s North Norfolk Digital.”
  • “Today’s sad story is from Deidre Thomas from Dibbs Lane in Holt… Dear Alan, I want to be as honest as i can with you so i hope you’ll understand that i’d rather remain anonymous….”
  • “Fuck off, we’re not even on air you dick…”
  • “I flew to Gothenburg to negotiate directly with Bjorny and Ben’s lawyers for exclusive rights to shout, but not say, the word ‘Aha’ 50 times per year in perpetuity for the rest of my life or until 2015, whichever comes sooner.”
  • “I wish they’d OD…on heroin…. Here’s Susan Boyle, Amazing Grace.”
  • “It was then i realised that Gareth’s brother had a choc problem. Nothing would get in the way of his addiction. The lowest point came when i found him collapsed in a sugar induced coma in the bogs of Yates’s Wine Lodge in Yarmouth.”
  • “Ted in Wisbech has been in touch and he says ‘I don’t use towels. I use a hair dryer set on cool. It takes a bit longer but it feels lovely. And then i finish off with a little talc on my testies and bum.”
  • “You’re listening to AP with MMM on NND….that’s Alan Partridge with Mid Morning Matters on North Norfolk Digital.”
  • “If the parent company round here found out you’d had AIDS, you’d be out on your ear…and rightly so.”
  • “Gordon is actually a rather good middle name. I will point out that my initials spell AGP. Sounds like a motor oil. AGP…You could imagine it on the side of a Formula 1 car.”
  • “Sidekick Simon: What’s rude about a sack?
    AP: Well it’s a nickname for a ball bag isn’t it?! Here’s Enya with her Orinoco Flow…”
  • “So your favourite Piper it seems is actually ‘Bag’. I’m surprised. I thought it would be a slam dunk for Billie in our Piper Poll.”
  • “There’s quite a schoolboy humour that surrounds bodily functions and i don’t think there should be quite frankly. I’m very open about it. I’m very candid and happy to say that i try and maintain a healthy anus. And i’m largely successful. There’s the odd mishap but with the law of averages, you can’t get it right every time.”
  • “I’ve gotta say it makes me laugh when i hear people say VW. It’s actually quicker to say Volkswagen. If i had a pound every time i heard someone use an acronym that actually extended the vowel count, i’d be a millionaire….billionaire….no, a millionaire.”
  • “I know there’s more that one Cromwell!…there’s dozens of Cromwells! Just look in the phonebook! I’ve got a friend called Cromwell…actually he’s called Cresswell…meant to call him back…”
  • “Yesterday’s quickfire phone in only yielded 3 calls. My mistake. I think panel beating was too narrow a topic. So today we’re going to open it up with the question, ‘What is the best thing?’”
  • “AP: If you keep saying it, it’s not going to make it anymore true. We all know the phrase. It’s just an idiom.
    Caller: You’re an idiot.
    AP: No you’re an idiot for not knowing what an idiom is. It’s clearly confused you because you think I’ve just substituted the T with an M….you smupid gim…you momal mwam…..you’re a compleme cunm.”
    Caller: Well i think you’re a prick.”
  • “The Clifton Suspension Bridge was built for someone like you. The fact that you can drive cars across it is a bonus. So do the decent thing and leave your keys in the car so someone can shift it afterwards….and please don’t call in saying i’m encouraging people to kill themselves (again). I’m suggesting that one person throw himself off Clifton Suspension Bridge, because he is and hopefully soon to be was, a very unpleasant individual….a bit like Jamiroquai…”
  • “It’s not south, it’s not Suffolk, it’s not analogue…so it must be… North Norfolk Digital!”
  • “What is Alan firing his friend’s air rifle into?”
  • “Why would i fire into the sky? You can quite clearly hear the sound of impact. If you are going to phone in, at least making sure you’re on nodding terms with modern ballistics.”
  • AP: You did Bedtime with Branning?
    Sidekick Simon: Yeah just a few little stupid sketchy bits. You don’t mind do you?
    AP What…do i mind if a lab technician i met in a pub who’s doing a trial period on my show appears on another show…no.
    SS: I’m gonna grab a coffee.
  • “Today’s phone in subject is ‘How many disabled parking bays is too many?’”
  • “Who grabs a coffee? Unbelievable. He thinks he’s a Doctor on ER.”
  • AP: Why do you keep finishing my sentences? You might feel good about yourself because you’ve guessed something. But it doesn’t do anything…
    SS: …to improve the show.
    AP: You’re doing it again. You’re just…
    SS: …making it worse.
  • AP: It’s not like the man in the park who stands by the pond. It’s quite sad actually. He used to run the Cycle Shop until it went bust. Now he seeks solace in cider and swans.
    SS: Better than seeking solace inside a swan.
    AP: Although i think that’s only a matter of time.
  • “Now a song from Michael Jackson, in happier times, before his mauling from Martin Bashir that led ultimately and directly to his death…and to Diana’s.”
  • AP: I see they’ve opened up the Norfolk Broads to wheelchair users. Unbelievable. It might seem like a good thing but how many people do you know in wheelchairs who genuinely want to go on the Norfolk Broads? I’d suggest it’s 0.00000000000000001%. Is it worth the disruption for largely blameless able-bodied people?
    SS: What if you had an accident and were in a wheelchair?
    AP: I’d just watch TV. Or go on the computer. There’s loads of things you can do.
  • “It’s me, it’s me, on Alan, on Alan, on I, on I, on Partridge, on Partridge…”
  • “I’m not a member of a gym, although i do work out. I use two carrier bags filled with value beans.”
  • “My greatest achievement is my consistent resistance to dumbing down. I think if anything, i’ve tried to dumb up.”
  • “Are you on an E?”
  • AP: And now for the final choice cut of Partridge on Partridge.
    SS: Sounds like two birds copulating..
    AP: Not now mate.
  • “I’ve got a couple of kids. Male and female. Denise, she’s the female and Fernando, he’s the other one.”
  • “The world doesn’t revolve around you. You’re not the moon.”
  • “You could make love to the guy for all i care. ‘Bumtime with Branning.’ That’s been legal since ‘67.”
  • “To recap…key strength: courage, weakness: too kind, funny: YouTube, sneezing panda.”
  • “…and tell Chegwin I’ll pay for the dry cleaning but he should count himself lucky…Oh that’s something else…”
  • “And the answer to “What is Alan firing his friend’s air rifle into?’ is a beef tomato. And here is Mick Hucknall…”
  • “Where would you go? I mean the BBC won’t let you past the door if you’re over 30. Unless you’ve got a mop and a bucket. And you’re from somewhere….not British. I suppose there’s always Songs of Praise for you guys.”
  • “You’re listening to Alan Partridge. Eddie’s adenoids continue to block the vast majority of his nasal passages and he continues to smoke like a gangster in a 1940s film, who even the other gangsters think smokes to excess and tell him so.”

     

  • “I’m very happy to be on the show. I listen to it every morning in Cafe Nero, by default. I mean they pipe it in. So you provide the soundtrack while i chomp on my egg panini with extra egg. An, an, an extra egg.”

     

  • “ I have got some big tits for you. Tits. Tits. Tits bits. Tit bits! I don’t know what the fuss is about actually. They’re just pointed sacks of fat on a woman’s upper torso for goodness sakes. What’s the big deal people. I mean we’ve all got our favourite…gland. Mine happens to be the…mammary.”

     

  • “Abu Hamza. He’d make a great pantomime baddie. Where’s Abu Hamza, the boss-eyed Muslim cleric with a hook for a hand who incites racial hatred? He’s behind you. I’d go and see it as long as it had someone like Phil Mitchell in it as well. He’d sort him out. Headbutt him.”

     

  • “Er, er, er, er, er, er,……sorry i’ve nothing to say.”

     

  • “It’s just coming up to 9.11…ooooh don’t tell Abu Hamza, he’ll be cracking open the Champagne. Oh they don’t drink do they?!”

     

  • “I meant the second one. When you gave me the choice before, i meant the second choice where the figures are adjusted for inflection.”

     

  • AP: Bus fares. Have you not put up bus fares?
    Guest Councillor: As we said in our manifesto, we won’t be putting up bus…
    AP: Haaaave you put up bus fares?
    GC: Not in real terms.
    AP: Have you put up bus fares?
    GC: In line with inflation, we have had to keep pace…
    AP: Yes or no? Have you put up bus fares?
    GC: In our manifesto…
    AP: Have you….haaave you put…up bus…..fares?
    GC: We’ve only put up bus fares…
    AP: Have you put up bus fares?
    GC: Yes but only…
    AP: Yes but yes but you but yes….YES! Thank you. If you want to see that interview back and see me getting a politician to admit something slightly different from what they said earlier and then saying “Look you said something slightly different from what you said earlier”…and….er….so…one nil!

     

  • “Today we’re talking about things you don’t see much of anymore. Already we have capes, tinned meat, Horlicks, sparrows, Hula Hoops, (the crisps not the toy), hula hoops, (the toy not the crisps), swimming pools with deep ends and asbestos.”
  • AP: Thanks for that Mick. I hope you resolve your gender-specific issue.
  • SS: Sorry Alan what was that?
    AP: Issue.
    SS: Bless you.
    AP: What like i’ve sneezed? That’s shit!
  • “Well it’s bank holiday which traditionally would’ve been you in a car on the way to the seaside with a lilo, a dog full of sand and some hard boiled Werther’s Originals. But these days unfortunately it’s more likely to mean a child watching a violent computer game and pornography whilst shouting ‘I hate you’ to his parents who are downstairs having a cocaine and ecstasy-fuelled orgy. That’s Britain 2011, you’re welcome to it.” 
  • There’s no point yelling at that large spotted cat, who’s dragging the lifeless body of an apprentice zoo-keeper across the compound. He won’t be able to hear you. He’s a Def Leppard…”

     

  • “Parents, if you’re going to get your under 7s to call into the radio station, it’s a) a tongue-twister not a riddle and b) can you please make sure they are reasonably media-savvy.”

     

  • “That chimes very much with me. It takes me back to ‘74 when i was walking in the Chilterns. That year the nettles were particularly virulent and that’s where my story begins. I fell into some nettles. My knees gave way after what i can only describe as a very very long walk. I said to my colleagues, you go on without me and leave me be. They said “Ape, we ain’t going nowhere without you.” (Ape. Alan Partridge. Abbreviation). And they were some of the most principled scouts i have ever rambled with.”

     

  • “I can spot a dock leaf at 30 feet.”

     

  • “At the moment the RSPB are non-violent, but what if we kicked it up a notch? Let’s paint a scenario. The last osprey in Britain is killed by a football. The last osprey egg is stolen and scrambled for a Russian oligarch’s breakfast who eats it without one iota of remorse, in his leather jacket. Simply wipes his lips and says “Simples.” And Bill Oddie goes apeshit.”

     

  • “Oddie is like a bearded catherine wheel scything through the crowd. Ironically the oligarchs wearing their leather jackets are protected from the worst of the blast, but an innocent couple from the north east on a city break are vapourised.

     

  • Little Girl: Did the man hurt any muppets?
    AP: No love, he didn’t hurt any muppets, he simply dispatched some terrorists from a radicalised RSPB in Wookie Hole. It was simply when he slit the throats of the bad people, they resembled the mouths of muppets. Sometimes when the government has exhausted diplomatic means, they allow state sanctioned killing. When you grow up you’ll realise that you have to tackle tough Taliban terrorists to topple totalitarian tyrants. That was a bit of a tongue twister wasn’t it?
    LG: Is Bill Oddie dead?
    AP: No! Bill Oddie’s alive and well Sophie. Well, he’s alive.
  • “Interestingly, Tommy’s the first person we’ve had on North Norfolk Digital who’s killed someone, deliberately. We all know of course of Simon Pickering from travel who reversed over a nurse, which was an accident…er…so he says.”

 

 

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Alan Gordon Partridge is a fictional radio and television presenter portrayed by English comedian Steve Coogan and invented by Coogan, Armando Iannucci, and other show writers for the BBC Radio 4 programme On The Hour.

Alan Partridge Quotes