• [in imitation of an outraged right-winger] You don’t take an active interest in how your country is run for just forty-five years, and look what happens!
  • Fish don’t blink. Which is the main eye defence. If you’re ever trying to get the eye out of a fish and it blinks… it may be a lion.
  • There’s one of those adverts that sort of says ‘There are more germs on your chopping board than on your loo seat.’ To which the answer is, ‘well clearly that’s fine, then.’
  • I really wish they hadn’t made the set out of asbestos.
  • I’m just another reject slowly slipping out of the gene pool to get hoovered up by the sex industry.
  • There’s a shift of sarcasm in the way I say everything.
  • I recently bought a cat, but took it back a day later because our personalities clashed.
  • If I waited for you to teach Lee (Mack) to speak properly we’d be here all night.
  • I’ve started to get this feeling that I’m totally, totally fucked.
  • If I want to act relaxed, it’s going to take all my cunning, skill and concentration.
  • Nonetheless, I put the phone down feeling guilty. I mean, I picked it up feeling guilty, I feel perpetually guilty, but I put it down feeling guiltier.
  • I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? She could say no. Actually, that would be terrible. It would destroy me if she said no.
  • Before everyone screams for me to get over myself, let me say that it’s no use. I never will.
  • I’m dangerously close to getting what I want. Feels a bit weird.
  • No, I guess this is a pretty funny story. One that I’ll never ever tell anyone because of my deep and burning shame.
  • I suppose doing things you hate is just the price you pay to avoid loneliness.
  • I am experiencing humiliation… Blood boiling, anger rising up ready to explode, then falling back in on myself in the familiar shower of self loathing.

David Mitchell Jokes Quotes.

David James Stuart Mitchell is a British actor, comedian and writer. He is half of the comedy duo Mitchell and Webb, alongside Robert Webb, whom he met at Cambridge University.