• Nostalgia is heroin for old people.
  • Have you ever watched footage of the destruction caused by hurricanes in America? When a big wind sweeps across America, there isn’t a building left standing. And you can’t help thinking: the Southern states of America must have been built by the first two little piggies.
  • I think the English are bipolar. ‘We’re the greatest, no we’re terrible’ – that’s a constant English struggle. Crime is down, there’s little poverty – yet it’s always the worst time to have lived here.
  • This is the first time that Irish people go: ‘You’re going to England? Sure it’s full of terrorists. Come to Ireland. We’ve no terrorists. They’re all playwrights now.’
  • My iPod holds 3,000 albums. I own, like, 90 albums. My iPod sits at home, sullen, frustrated, and underused, like a wife who gave up her career and the kids turned out to be shite.
  • I’m an appalling cook. I can just about create a glass of orange juice and a ham-and-cheese sandwich.
  • On getting mugged: I carry around months and months of receipts. I need a mugger who can file my VAT returns.
  • If we were truly created by God, why do we occasionally bite the insides of our mouths?
  • There are three states of legality in Irish law. There is all this stuff which comes under That’s grand, then it moves into Ah now don’t push it, and finally it comes under Right now you’re takin the piss, and that’s when the police come in.
  • On his appendix: Why would God put it in you when it does nothing but randomly kill you for no reason?
  • Have you ever watched footage of the destruction caused by hurricanes in America? When a big wind sweeps across America, there isn’t a building left standing. And you can’t help thinking: the Southern states of America must have been built by the first two little piggies.
  • I’m what you’d call ethnically Catholic. Don’t believe in God, still hate Rangers…
  • The game of comedy is all about owning the stage, and from a physical point of view, it’s beneficial that I am a larger man. From my lumbering presence alone, I can’t really help *but* dominate the stage.