• Dude, smell my eyes!
  • And you know that family, every few months, for years, from time to time, whatever it is they’re doing they would just stop, stop and look at each other and go… what the fuck did they take?
  • I don’t say, “Bless you.” I say, “God bless you,” because I’m not the Lord.
  • You need to open up your soul and have a weep-a-thon.
  • [talking about movie dates and how guys can never find their seats] So it’s dark and the movie already started. And that first part of the movie is always some fucking cave scene and you’re just like, “Can they just flashback to a beach scene for like ten god damn seconds?”
  • I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I’d always say ‘Why not me?’
  • One thing that I’ve always wanted to do ever since I was little. I’ve always want to be abducted by a UFO. Yeah, sometimes I just go hang out in the woods. I’m just waiting for that blue light… “Ahh!” That’s how they suck you up by a beam of light, they suck you up by your chest, and that’s not necessary. Throw a rope ladder down, I’ll climb up, I’m interested. I’m here for you. Don’t suck me up by my chest, that hurts. You’re a hovering craft, why wouldn’t I come in and poke around for a minute? It would be great to be abducted. What did you guy’s do this weekend? “Dude, we got hammered, it was awesome.” Ohh yeah? I was abducted. I was zipping around the galaxy.
  • I’d like to have some kids. I wanna have like nineteen kids. I think naming then, that’s going to be fun. What ever the names you come up with that’s exciting right there. You get to both decide. It’s like a little game. I already have names picked out, first kid boy or girl I don’t even know, the first one that comes out I’m naming him Hrrrrrrrr. I think it’s beautiful, it’s feminine but it’s strong at the same time. Time for bed Hrrrrrrrr… I said time for bed HRRRRRRRR! No cookies HRRRRRRRR! Typical Hrrrrrrrr! Daddies on the phone Hrrrrrrrr. Daddies on the phone. I’m gonna name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoon, I’m gonna name a bunch of them after Transformers. That’d be great. You’d be like Optimus Prime come here for a second. You sit next to Megatron we’re gonna have a chat right here. I am the Cobra commander …HRRRRRRRR, I said no cookies! This fucking HRRRRRRRR is driving me up the fucking wall! HRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
  • We had Monopoly, everybody did. No one liked it. Even if you think you liked the game you didn’t. And it’s simple why, two and a half hours into a game this is all you’d hear… [boom] Fuck this game! It’s four in the morning grandma, you win! I’m sitting on Baltic with crack. I’m paying luxury tax up the ass! And I hate it when you’re the banker. Where did you get the pink fifties from your cheating whore. Don’t fucking touch me grandpa! Nana, is a cheating whore! I should cut your head off with the little doggie. We were so poor growing up, that little iron, we had to use that little iron. It’s not funny. Takes a long time to iron a shirt with that tiny little iron. Sss. Oww. Sss. Ooo hot.
  • What if you dove in the pool and while you where on the bottom freaking out some body poured oil on the surface and lit it on fire! Yeah and then you’re like Ooooohhhhhhh, Ooooohhhhhhh, Ooooohhhhhhh!!! You got to keep swimming around feeling for a spot where there’s no fire! Then what if you find a circle where there’s no fire and the second you come up a big dude just punched you in the face! “Get back in the fiery water! You don’t come out of the fiery water! Cover up that whole with more fire now! Get back in the fiery water!”
  • I had to use a public restroom today. Isn’t that the worst when you have to, god damb it! Why when you walk into a public restroom why is everything fucking wet? There’s puddles, waters all over the counter, it’s dripping it’s like being in a fucking cave. What happen was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath? And god fabid you have to use the stall you go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door, which apparently Van-Damme kicked in. Why are they all broken? Who’s running in the bathroom like “I gotta shit… I can’t shit with the door in front of me! Fucking door! I don’t like being in a perfect square when I’m trying to shit!”
  • I had that game Operation. Big naked white guy… He had no pee pee at all. He was like that guy from the movie Silence of the Lambs remember he tucked it in… “Put the lotion in the basket… PUT THE LOTION IN THE BASKET!!!” I use to do it I’d come out of my girlfriend’s bathroom and go look I’m just like you! I was always afraid that one time she’d be like “Ohhh Yeah! I’m JUST LIKE YOU!”
  • I took a ladies order one time I’ll never forget this I go “Mam, that’ll be three seventy five, drive around”. And there’s like this long pause and she goes… “Where do I go?”. Where do you go? You follow the one fucking road your on to me! Where do you… OK “Mam, you’re gonna go to the Texaco station and take a right, go five an a half miles south east and your gonna see a guy in a yellow Poncho, his name is Hank he’ll take you to the Whopper later… That’s where you go!” And you’ve got ten minuets to get there or we take your food!
  • There’s certain ways when people they bit it and they show it on the news, you laugh. Like who gets killed by Bees? every time they come on the news, “Ahhhh a man was in Austin, killed by Bees”. I just fucking laugh! How do you get killed by Bees? If your walking through the woods right… And you come to a bush and you hear Bzzzzzzzzz just you know run away from that bush! Who’s going near that bush going “Hey! Is that Bees? …Ahhhhhhhhhh!” Dude fuck that I would punch every Bee in the face! Bees are not taking me out! Yeah fuck you Bee! It’s a fucking Bee! I could understand if it was like killer Horses! That’s scary shit! Flying through the air kicking you in the face! That’s scary, fuck Bees!
  • Best of the worst car accidents. They showed this one clip. Two cars go around the corner and they catch each other and start to roll and the tyre flies into the stands and hit’s a woman in the face. And where you first saw it you where like OHHHHHH! That tyre just hit that woman in the FACE!… Oh good they’re showing it again look look look… Look at this right here, yeah that’s when it hit’s that woman in the face! And the funny thing is every body around the lady like dove off. Everyone got out of there but she just like sit’s there and at the last minute as the tyre is rocketing at her face. This is her defence she goes Ooooohhhhhhh like she’s just gonna get into a slap fight with a Goodyear! What a horrible way to go! “What happened to Mary?” “A tyre hit her in the face!” How do you say that without laughing? “What was she doing putting her face near tyres?” No no no no, this type hunted Mary down!
  • Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they’ll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they’ll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: “Hey, perfect.”
  • I invite her back to my apartment, or as I call it, the “Death Star.” I’m still working on it, it’s not completely operational.
  • I’ve heard on the news that they are thinking of putting microchips inside babies so that if they ever get kidnapped that you can track them on Google. But what if technology fails? Well here is my solution: next to the microchip, put a fucking detonator. Listen, if I can’t have my baby, nobody can!
  • Who doesn’t like movies? Who has ever said, “Hey, you wanna go see a movie?” “Fuck that and fuck your movies! It’s ridiculous, the whole idea of it! It’s just wrong and fake and no!”

Dane Cook Jokes.