• My father only hit me once – but he used a Volvo.
  • My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.
  • My wife said: ‘Can my mother come down for the weekend?’ So I said: ‘Why?’ and she said: ‘Well, she’s been up on the roof two weeks already’.
  • Personally, I don’t think there’s intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?
  • Silence is not only golden; it is seldom misquoted.
  • Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?
  • I’m rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I’ve regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.
  • With my wife it was sex, sex, sex…Yes, three times in 35 years.
  • My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.
  • A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.
  • A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot’s ribs and demanded: ‘Take me to the canaries’.

Robert Alan ‘Bob’ Monkhouse OBE (1 June 1928 – 29 December 2003) was an English entertainer. He was a successful comedy writer, comedian and actor and was also well known on television as a presenter and game show host.

Bob Monkhouse Jokes