• If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?”
  • “I’m much bigger in Britain than I am there. I’m well-known, but my name’s That Guy in America. . . . People shout: “Hey I know you! You’re That Guy.””
  • “My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.”
  • “I’m famous for my bottom dances, but you’ll only see my bum and willy if you raise a million pounds within an hour.”
  • “So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?”
  • “Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey… Doesn’t try it on.”
  • “What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?”
  • “American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head — supposedly for people to drive along the highway with.”
  • “Do you remember that politician who died with the fishnet tights and all that? Aw, his poor family. I wonder how they dress him in the coffin?”
  • “Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he THINK he was doing at the time?”
  • “That man (Ronald Reagan), he sits at that desk in the White House, and the button is there that can end the world: BOOM! My father’s younger than him and we don’t give him the controls for the television!”
  • “No children were abused in the making of this show. No one was hurt and no Islamic cartoons were used. You know, for those of you that can’t take a fucking joke.”
  • “The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things… after the weather.”
  • “53 fucking virgins! The very thought of 53 fucking virgins, it’s a nightmare! It’s not a fucking present, it’s not a prize- it’s a punishment! Give me 2 fire-breathing whores any day of the week. I’m a slut man!”
  • “You said, “If you’re ever in Los Angeles we must have dinner”- well, he’s here. That’s not an invitation! Translated, it means: “You’re a boring piece of shit, I’m off, I’ve had enough of you!”
  • “I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There’s no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing, so get yourself a sexy raincoat and live a little. “
  • “Don’t buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They’re bastards, and they do it on purpose.”

William “Billy” Connolly, Jr., CBE is a Scottish comedian, musician, presenter and actor. He is sometimes known, especially in his native Scotland, by the nickname ‘The Big Yin’.

Billy Connolly Jokes