“Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!!”

  • “I’m a postmodern vegetarian. I eat meat ironically.”
  • “A lot of people say there’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I don’t think there’s a fine line, I actually think there’s a yawning gulf. You see some poor bugger scuffling up the road with balloons tied to his ears, he’s not going home to invent a rocket, is he?”
  • “A feminist jumps out of a manhole – oh, and she didn’t like that.”
  •  “American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it.”
  • “I got ham but I’m not a Hamster”
  • “Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are all unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.”
  • “Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.”
  • Nostalgia. How long has that been around?
  • It’s the joggers I don’t trust, ‘cos they’re always the ones that find the bodies aren’t they.
  • I was in the supermarket. I was at one of the new self-service tills. You know the ones – with the two extra members of staff hanging around.

Bill Bailey is an English comedian, musician, and actor. As well as his extensive stand-up work, Bailey is well known for his role in Black Books and his appearances on Never Mind the Buzzcocks, Have I Got News for You, and QI.

Bill Bailey jokes