• Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don’t need to be done.
  • I don’t like food that’s too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I’d buy a painting.
  • Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can’t help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, “How can he want me the way I look in the morning?” It’s because we can’t see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
  • Nothing in fine print is ever good news.
  • The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
  • If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.
  • Vegetarian – that’s an old Indian word meaning ‘lousy hunter’
  • The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books; how not to eat what you’ve just learned how to cook.
  • The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
  • The federal government has sponsored research that has produced a tomato that is perfect in every respect, except that you can’t eat it. We should make every effort to make sure this disease, often referred to as ‘progress’, doesn’t spread.
  • Don’t rule out working with your hands. It does not preclude using your head.
  • I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you.
  • Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece, I’ll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don’t think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don’t want to run, they can rest in the chair that’s hooked up to the generator.
  • My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, “Married!” and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it’s hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
  • You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there’s always like 18% that say “I don’t know.” It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they’re voting “I don’t know.” Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Says into phone) “I DON’T KNOW!” (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you’re not sure about.” This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, “I’m not in the mood.”
  • My wife’s from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like ‘Cripes’. ‘For Cripe’s sake.’ Who would that be — Jesus Cripe’s? The son of ‘Gosh’ of the church of ‘Holy Moly’? I’m not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in ‘Heck’?
  • My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, ‘Sexy Senior Citizen.’ You don’t want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
  • Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone’s answering machine? ” Hi , it’s a great day and I’m out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: “Share the love.” Beep. “Uh, yeah…this is the VD clinic calling….Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love.”

Andy Rooney Jokes