• Don’t feel bad for me. I think I’m, like, so pretty.
  • We had to break up, though. We wanted different things — like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.
  • I’m so in love with my boyfriend right now. Everything is perfect, but we want totally different things in bed. Like, he’s always turning the lights on, you know what I’m saying? And I shut them off, and he turns them on, and the other day, he’s like, ‘Amy, why are you so shy? You know, you have a beautiful body.’ I was like, ‘Oh my god, you’re so cute. You think I don’t want you to see me?’
  • [On Her Best Friend’s Pregnancy] I’ll never forget how she told us. She took us all out to brunch, and she was like, ‘You guys, I’m keeping this one.’
  • The way that these girls keep themselves skinny is awful, isn’t it? By vomiting or using hard drugs — which I can’t afford.
  • I just went through a break up, actually. I’m not worried about meeting someone else or being lonely. I’m just worried about all the pictures. But my mom always told me, you know, ever since I was a little girl, ‘Never put your face in them.’
  • My mom’s always saying really smart things… like, you probably heard this one, ‘Why buy the cow when the milk has HPV?’ Wish I’d listened to that one.
  • I hate false advertising, like ‘Skittles: taste the rainbow.’ No one’s ever been like, ‘Rainbow, right you guys?’ Or what’s Reese’s? ‘There’s no wrong way to eat a Reese’s.’ Oh, really? Tell that to my uncle who used to put them in my underwear. Alright, maybe your uncles didn’t love you.
  • I made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea — he was really tan, he had no shoes on. I just thought it was, like, his thang, you know? I was like, ‘He’s probably in a band.’
  • Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I’ve never woken up and been like, ‘What is this Pilates mat doing out?’
  • I have an excuse, actually, why I’ve been drinking so much. I haven’t said this out loud yet — this is exciting — I’m drinking for two. Thank you, wow. I mean, just for now. Somebody’s being evicted.
  • It’s a weird age. They’re like, ‘Amy, I’m pregnant.’ And I still don’t know whether to be like, ‘Congratulations,’ or ‘Do you need a ride?’
  • There’s nothing more awkward than going to the first birthday party of a little girl when you told her mom to get rid of her — because the kid can tell.
  • [Baby Safety Ads] It says, ‘It’s safest to let them sleep alone, especially if you drink, use drugs or are overweight.’ Yeah, I thought that was weird, too. But if you think about it, if you’re drunk, stoned or really fat, in the middle of the night, that baby might look delicious. I’ve eaten weirder things.
  • You know what the worst part about my drinking is? When I’m drunk I slur. You know, like I say racial slurs. Wow, nobody likes that at a barbeque.
  • The kids didn’t call me Amy Schumer; they called me Amy Jewmer. One summer, I’ll never forget this, all the kids took turns throwing handfuls of pennies at me. I know, I was like, ‘Excuse me — this is awesome!’
  • I was actually on two reality shows, which is crazy. Just to think that, out there, there was some guy, like flipping through the channels, being like, ‘Hey, I 69’d her on a cruise ship.’
  • I feel like you know what you’re going to be good at when you’re older based on what you like when you’re younger. When I was younger my best friend was Tony, this kid Tony, and he loved rocks. He was always playing with rocks, counting them, and now he’s a crack head.
  • My friends all got really into that show ‘The Deadliest Catch.’ But I never watched it ’cause I always just assumed it was about AIDS. It’s about crabs. Don’t tune in looking for that ‘Big AIDS Hour.’
  • Very neat for a boy; always cleaned up his mess, no matter where he got it on me. He’s Hispanic, so he’s like, ‘Now who’s the wetback?’ I’m like, ‘Hey, still you. Get back in the kitchen, those dishes aren’t going to do themselves.’
  • Now every idiot from high school’s like, ‘I’m back!’ We weren’t supposed to meet again. Stop poking me and inviting me to your weird vampire parties. No, I don’t want to follow you on Twatter. Like, nobody’s interested in you. I don’t want to see you in real life, why would I want to follow you in the imaginary one?

Amy Schumer Jokes