• I got spotted in Greggs the bakers. The girl went: ‘We never get anyone off the telly in here.’ Which was a lie. Half of f*****g Fat Club were by the pasties.
  • I got on the property ladder this year. It’s murder getting that deposit together. You start having dark thoughts, looking at your mum and dad thinking, ‘If only they had an accident…’.
  • I drink too much. Have you ever done that where you wake up and there’s someone in your bed and they’re a munter. Pulling back that sheet, it’s like Silent Witness ain’t it.
  • I had to have a brace because I had big teeth. If I’d gone to Africa I would have got poached.
  • What am I supposed to do if I go bald? Get a wig? Fat, goofy, gay, wig. I might as well get a piano and start an Elton John tribute act!
  • On house-hunting: They said it was split-level and open-plan, but then again so is an NCP car park.
  • On silly children’s names – ’The other day I was served by a girl in Boots called Mmmm… Danone’.
  • “People always name their kids famous names now don’t they? Well I was in Tesco the other day and the woman serving me was called ‘Umm.. Danon (8)'”
  • “When I was a kid I used to hate getting picked for team sports. It would be the fit and sporty guys over there. And me and the fat kids over here. Those kids were fat! One girl had to be cut out a hula hoop”
  • “I’ll just have a napkin and a breadstick” (eating out in restaurants before he was famous)
  • “I undercut her with a wet wipe” (the ‘orange girls’ in boots)
  • “I knocked a whole display over in poundland, £4 worth of damage” (wrestling a tramp in poundland)

Alan Carr (born 14 June 1976) is an English comedian and television personality. He was born in Weymouth in Dorset yet spent his childhood in Northampton before moving to Chorlton-cum-Hardy, Manchester in his early 20s where he began his comedy career. Carr’s breakthrough was in 2001, winning the City Life Best Newcomer of the Year and the BBC New Comedy Award.

Alan Carr Jokes