• What if God’s a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I’ll never know why!
  • If you look at a group of people that had faith, it’s got to be the Jews. They followed Moses through the desert for 40 years with no map. There had to be one guy in the back, like, ‘I don’t think he knows where he’s going.’
  • One day in the shower, you figure it out. It’s a special day in a man’s life. I was like, ‘Oh, I found me a hobby.’
  • I look to nature because I think the animals are smarter than we are. Animals mate; humans date. There’s no dating in the animal kingdom. No dinner, no movie — just a quick sniff, ‘Alright, let’s go.’
  • I don’t think I’ll ever meet the perfect woman. I might have to get me one of them mail order women. You can do that: you send away to the Philippines, and they send you a wife. The only thing is, once you’re on their mailing list, they keep sending you a relative a month whether you want it or not.
  • I know she’s just trying to make things nice, so I do my part. Now, when I get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, I turn on the light. I used to just go by sonar: just keep peeing ’til you hear water.
  • The biggest thing in my life right now is my girlfriend. I love this girl. I know I love her because she told me.
  • As soon as you lay down, that’s when the most bizarre things start coming out of her mouth. ‘Goodnight, baby.’ ‘Do you think we were together in a past life?’ ‘Yeah, and I died of sleep deprivation. Go to bed.’ ‘Don’t you feel like we’re soul…
  • Whenever she uses the phrase ‘I was thinking…,’ that means I either have to move, paint or buy something.
  • Being in a relationship is like being in A.A. My friends ask me, ‘How’s it going with that girl?’ ‘One day at a time, man.’
  • I am a Catholic. Basically, the Catholic religion is ‘If it feels good — stop.’
  • My favourite Catholic holiday is Easter. For those of you that don’t know, Easter is the day we celebrate Jesus rising from the grave and coming back to Earth as a rabbit that hides coloured eggs.
  • My fondest childhood memory is I made out with my babysitter, Cathy. She stops in the middle of everything: ‘We have to stop this. I feel like such a whore.’ ‘Why? I’m not paying you — my parents are! Come here!’
  • The girls are beautiful in Hollywood — and enough silicon to caulk a sink.
  • There were many reasons we broke up. There was a religious difference: I’m a Catholic, and she’s the devil.
  • I talk a lot about women in my act, ’cause let’s face it — if I was hungry, I would talk about food.
  • I don’t think it’s fair — you get married, you give your wife a wedding ring. I think you should give her a mood ring. Oh, it may sound crass, but just check the colour when you come home. ‘Hi honey. Infernal red? Oh boy, I ain’t getting laid, and I gotta cut the lawn, I know it.’
  • My father tried to give me the sex talk once, and he chickened out. He walked into my room and went, ‘Adam — uh, don’t kiss guys.’
  • I love that magazine, man — Victoria’s Secret — and it comes, like, every three hours.
  • The only marriage I’ve observed for any length of time is my parents — 35 years. I asked my pop, I go, ‘Pop, 35 years — what do you hope for?’ He’s like, ‘I hope you die first.’