• If you’re a guy, you have absolutely no idea what’s going on at any time in the relationship, ever. Here’s what you know: you know when you’re getting laid, and you know when it’s all over. Those are the only two things you’re aware of.
  • That’s an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone… forever?
  • I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was I’ll never get to do that.
  • My feeling is this whole country is founded on the principle of “if you are not hurting anyone, and you’re not fucking with someone else’s shit, and you are paying your taxes, you should be able to just do what you want to do.” It’s the freedom and the independence.
  • I’m really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life. So, something that is potentially four months down the road is not just a mile down the road for me, it’s a million miles down the road.
  • Nature knew what she was doing when she figured out the penis and the cunt.
  • Figure out what to do, then take a nap.
  • I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and my sister, and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid.
  • I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don’t know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference or something.
  • All TV is, is really: “Don’t you want to be this, aren’t you glad you’re not that.” There’s nothing really in the middle.
  • I’d be at someone’s house or be up on the roof all day and I’d get lonely – stir crazy – and talk radio became this soothing voice in my life. But the idea that I was making $10 an hour and stacking drywall while these guys were making a few hundred thousand, and they were having a party, and there were Playmates and there were good times, I just couldn’t imagine it.
  • If you are tuning in just for the show, you’re going to be sorely disappointed.
  • Everyone keeps saying, “Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating.” It’s like saying, “How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she’s been with Brad Pitt?” I don’t care.
  • I urge all our listeners to masturbate. Right now. Because it takes the wind right out of the sex drive. We don’t want rapists going into society half-cocked and ready to go. If they masturbate, they’ll say, “Uhh… I think I’ll rape tomorrow instead.”
  • You shouldn’t be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.
  • Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!
  • When I am king, I will revise the sexual bases system so that getting to first base will include oral sex and sodomy!
  • When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.
  • You’re 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don’t have to kill yourself, you’re just waiting.
  • When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it’s about fudge packing and triple D’s at 13.